Sick & Tired

I'm sick and tired of moaning about how im not getting thinner, looking at my friends get skinner and still not doing anything about it!

I dont know where my will power has gone. In the last two weeks ive eaten SO much buttery fatty disgusting popcorn. This morning i had breakfast with toast, egg, bake beans and dirty deep fried hashbrown...what the heck is wrong with me?

Im going to try and make that the only thing i eat today besides maybe something SMALL cause ive gotta go to a friends house for dinner tonight.

This is the same shit i post up everyday...how fucking boring?! My heart isnt in this but i so desperately want to be skinny! I wish i LOVED exercising. I could go for a jog now...but i probably wont. Cause im a lazy fat c*nt!


However one victory i have managed is to train myself to look at the cookie jar at work as my fatty cellulite butt. Everytime i look at the cookie jar i only see my fat arse and orange peel skin. I dont eat those cookies anymore. I'm really suprised how well its worked. Like i literally see my fat arse when i look at the cookie jar. Its a small win but still a important one.

I went out clubbing with some girls last night. I wanted to have a messy night and i did lol we snooted so much ****** up our noses lol i was off my face. It was fan - fucking - tastic! And i met a VERY good looking man, i got his number and he got mine. Dunno if he was interested but he was leaning all over me on the seat and we'd just met...so thats good right? Im going to txt him next weekend and be like..."hey if you're out tonight wanna catch up for a drink?" see what comes of it. I swear this man looks just like jake gyllenhaal! STUNNING! But i think he's like one of those guys that is hard to get. I really have to play my cards right here...hmm a challenge i love it! Ha ha im a sick fuck, now a days i look at men only as a challenge. I spot someone i like, i give them the eye and smile, if they respond i sit down near we're they are and wait for them to come over to say hi. Once ive got that its normally in the bag. I love the thrill of the chase. LOL i dont know how many mens numbers i have in my phone, with the club that i met them in as their last names so i remember who they are...arrgh but they're always after one thing :( And so am i...but you've gotta prove youself first and most of them fail miserably!

Good news is the hot boss ive been day dreaming about on the bus...well i talked to him the other night and he was well keen for it. He's like "im gonna fuck you first week u get to london"...am i like "ooooh are you now?" Im Playing him along because the first time we met and worked together i was falling over myself to get ANY kind of attention from him. I made such a fool of myself! But i guess to my credit he still came after me...mmm yummy! My last note on men is the pansy man ive been "seeing" if thats what you can call it, cause we never do ANYTHING together(barely even talk anymore) came over my place last night to hang with me and my friends and was so stiff and insecure and fucking annoying! Telling stupid stories that you tell to make people think you're cool when you're in fucking yr 9 or something! He's twenty fucking three...grow some damn balls man! Im so hard on him though...and i do really feel bad because i think he likes me but im to wild for him, im to eratic, to crazy. And i have no patience for the man and his mama boy ways. im not even that attracted to him anymore! Errr gotta let him go softly but how to do it? hmmm..

Any way i should stop ramberling on about men, this blog is suppose to be about my fucking eating disorder which is pathetic at the moment!

Im not really writting anything interesting too id be suprised if anyone even reads this far down plus I dont want to make my posts to long cause i know i get bored reading other peoples long ass posts.

Sooooo ladies my only tip for the moment is if you have a vice something you just HAVE to eat when u see it, say chocolate peanut butter somethings, or hot chips or friggen that disgusting 1000calorie thing that you JUST HAVE TO EAT!!!! Try to imagine you most hated part about you and associate that food with it. So everytime you look at it you dont see the trigger food, you see your fat ass, or cellulite knees, or beer belly or fucking love handles!!!! BIG THIGHS!!!!!!!

It works trust me...good luck and stay true stay strong xoxo

My friends get skinnier as i get Fatter!

I have this slight obesession with one of my old friends.

Shes skinnier than me and more fashionable and currently in london!

mole!


Any way there is no more potent thinspiration than when u go on facebook only to see beautiful photo's of your friend looking insanely skinny!

I will loose weight. I will look like her starting from today im only eating breakfast - muesli
brunch - banana
lunch - nothing!!!
tea - apple
dinner - small bowl fat free soup or home made veggie soup

i will loose weight i have to set myself a goal!

any way here's a depressive thinspo shot of my beautiful friend...






Post Note: I tried today but failed. I ate two cookies at work and felt like a completely c*nt, than came home and ate my weight in veggie stew. Than my flatmate made cookies and i chowed down on 2 of them, felt so guilty had a shower and through them back up, along with most of my veggie stew dinner. Feeling much better now but still like a failure. Tomorrow will hopefully be better! By the end of this month i will weigh 57kg or less!!! xx

It's back!

Okay its back....and fuck its been long enough!

Im sick of being a fat bitch. Ive got a new job and its in telephone business centre or aka call centre. hahaha

Its the worst fucking job in the world seriously! I fucking hate it! I hate the poeple i work with, i hate the trainers! I hate the work!

AND OMFG!! YOU SHOULD SEE THE FUCKING OBESE FREAKS I WORK WITH!

Literally i throw up in my mouth every time i see these people walk past. And they're everywhere. Where i work is like a disease ridden fat fest! Everyone is fat...everyone! About 90% of the people i work with are over weight.

Im not joking. It's fucking disgusting!

Its so bad ive started jogging again. I refuse to get like those poeple. I would quit tomorrow except ill never get another job that pays as well as this one does and im planning to go overseas by the end of october.

Just fuck off overseas and not have to worry about any of this petty bullshit going on in my life! Maybe actually find a real man with a real dick who'll fuck me properly! eeehhhh this man im with at the moment my god...i think he's a closet gay!


Sorry im venting! I havent written on here in ages and ive just had all this pent up rage. I really dont knwo what it is. I get on the bus home after work and i just wanna fucking bunch someone out. I stand on the over crowded bus to work and dream about going to london and seeing my old boss and working for him again in some seedy awesome bar in old london town and fucking his brains out. I sit in this freezing cold room all day at work and fucking dream of what i want my current man to do to me. Dream of being anywhere but where i am now. Than i go home and wanna bunch someone out? What is this rage?

I fucking love it though! At least now i actually feel like im living!

I love these emotions these raw fucking out there emotions. No more dull nothing ness! Its all out there to feel to see to want and touch!

Im still fucking fat toooo fucking fat. But at least in the TBC i have thinspiration all around me. Everywhere i look there are fat fucking pigs! Disgusting seriously! My legs pressed together dont make one of your thighs!

EVEN YOUR FINGERS ARE FUCKING FAT!

DISGUSTING WORTHLESS FUCKING PIGS!

Errr thinking about it makes me want to throw up....blarrrrrr




Im starting off slow though, ive stopped eating sweets and cookies and what not. But im still eating to many carbs. This faggot of a man that i for some god forsaken reason like is a gym junkie and a personal trainer slash mega awesome bodied man who doesnt eat anything bad or drink!!!! So ive decided i have to get really thin so i dont look like a fat fucking cow next to him.

All my life is pointing towards getting skinny...i fucking love it!


Oh and lastly my drinking problem is getting worse and getting better. I dont get crazy rude obnoxious drunk anymore. I dont even get that bad a hang overs any more. But ive started drinking everyday. I have to have a drink after work now to calm down. Just one or two beers....or three sometimes. Everyday.

Its hard to go a day without a drink


I need to get thin


I need I want I must have


Thin Ana please come back??

up chuck

Tonight i throw up half my dinner and all my desert.

If i ever managed to have even the slightest of ana... ive lost her

I still throw up my food sometimes ...but mia isnt my friend

I weigh no more no less, but my life is changing all the time since i moved back to my home town.

Ive met a new man but im not sure about him...

My ex stayed over the other night. We got drunk and he slept in the same bed as me. We used together and i havent got high since august 2008.

He text me the next day saying he cant stop thinking about me...And before that i havent heard or seen him since he walked out on me over a year ago.

Ive got a new job, and its soooo intense! Mon - Fri 40hrs a week!

My share house i moved into is...so many things. Great and Horrible, fun and in your face yet awkward and fragile.


I just want some stability, something permanent in my life that i know wont change quickly. Something positive and permanent.


Im scared that nothing i have now will last and everything will come crashing down. Change is good but this much change is hard to handle.





...And im still to fat!





Current weight as of Saturday morning - 60.5kg

BIG FAT FAIL

I failed miserable at my fast today.


I just had breakfast - big bowl of muesli with low fat yogurht and skim milk.

But i got my period today and i feel mega sick...that counts doesnt it?




Im going to try and make this my only meal today, if i get hungry its diet coke and water!


fingers crossed i can do it!!

x

Fast & Booze

Well yesterday i tried to fast. But the girl im living with made me go out with her for lunch so i was forced to eat something.

But i was good. All i ate yesterday was half a salad. Unfortunitaly than i went out and got on the piss with an empty stomach. And of course knowing me i never know when enough is enough and i got completely shit faced and ended up calling the night to an end early, going back to my mates place and chucking my guts up. lovely...

Today i had a mega hang over so of course i ate like a horse. I really want more food but im going to try and not eat anything else. Ive already had two low fat cookies and more than a handful of doritos..err what was i thinking? I also had a tuna salad roll and 2x miso soup - blow out!

Tomorrow i will try and fast again. Im moving into my new place tomorrow and working so i should be able to keep my mind off food. I really dying to know how much i weigh and if all this alcahol is making me fat.

Ive got another date with handsome man on saturday. He seems really keen, but im to scared to trust him. I cant understand why such a gorgeous looking man would be interested in me? What do i have to give seriously?

Nothing is the answer. And he's full big on eating right and not drinking or doing drugs. So i feel so inadiquit around him! I have terrible eating issues! I binge hard out than some days dont eat anything at all...thats not healthy. He said he pigged out massively and he had 3 plates of sushi...wtf? And i LOVE drinking! Adore it! And use to be a dirty junkie. (well not really a junkie but ...well yes actually i cant deny it).

I dunno im just scared he's gonna look at me and say your not skinny or pretty enough to be my trophy girlfriend. Cause i swear to god he looks like he should date thoughs ano fashionable pretty girls i want to be :( Im scared im going to let myself like him and he'll fuck me over just as the last 6 guys have. Errr....


Must not eat!

Must be skinny & pretty!

New Town, Same Old Habits

Im sorry i havent writen in here in so long. I've moved up to my home town again (which isnt really a town its a massive city) and ive been heaps busy. To busy infact to put enough thought into my eating habits. So its a new town with the same old eat everything in site sort of behaviour.

I've been drinking like a fish as well and when i have a hang over well thats like having the munchies for me. Like i smoked six million bongs and ten jays all at once and i have this insatiable hunger that wont go away.

LOVE drinking....hate being hung over and eating myself out of house and home the next day!

I havent really lost any weight or put any on, but its hard to tell for sure because i dont have scales where im staying at the moment.

Im totally stressed out about trying to find a place to live aswell! House hunting is really wearing me down!

But on the plus side - im with all my friends again and they're really making me feel like i was missed.

And STOP THE PRESS!!!!

I went on a date the other day with an absolutely GORGEOUS man! :D

This is highly unlike me to be so happy! Sometimes i seriously think i have mild bi-polar (if there is such a thing). I get really fucking sad and depressed and than about a couple of weeks to a month later im happy again. Its fucked up!

And this happiness its making me eat and not care! No this has to stop. Im glad i came back on and checked my blog.

But Ive got no excuse to keep eating now. I'm sorry ive failed you guys so much! Im away from the watchful stare of my folks and im my own independant person again. I will loose some gosh damn fat! I will be that skinny girl others are jealous of!

And lastly, welcome to my new followers arrrgh i feel so special! And to the girls who comented my blog thank you so much! It means the world to me that you take the time to read my blog, because i always read yours even if i dont comment. And you guys are such an inspiration to me! And to jamie i wish i could comment you back but for some reason i cant access your site and im on a family friends computer so i dont want the history to be pulled up...that'd be so awkward! Ill try to check it out later this week!

Good luck ladies! xo