shit

shit..i should have looked at my thinspo before i ate not after!

I did okay today though, im not fasting im not strong enough but im trying to eat less. Today i had 3x peice of toast, 2x carrot, bowl of soup and 2xbiscuits and 3x tea and 1x milo.

Not bad but i still feel like a fat failure. I can feel my love handles above my jeans. See my arms are fatty, my knees touch when i walk.

I washed my hair today, alot fell out. I knew it would but it still scared me.

Today at work i was there but i wasnt there. I kept asking customers the same questions twice, calling them wrong names. I almost cried once...and nothing was even wrong. Just an angry customer but everyone has to deal with that, its no reason to cry.

I wan to take a psych test. I want someone to tell me if its all in my head, or if i am actually fucked up. Do other people feel like this? But feel like what...whats wrong with me?

Besides my sudden onset of general unwellness.... nothing.
Would i be happy if i had a man to pay attention to me, distract me, a realationship to slowly ruin? To fixate on and obesse about?

Another notch on my failures belt?

Goals for 2010

stop stalkbooking my ex
Get down to 55kg by the end of the year
be happy
be stronger
be who i am

Better

First thing first - thank you to all the wonderful people that read and comment my blog...i appreciate your advice and thank you for taking the time to care about an insignificant troubled girl on the otherside of the world!

So i'm feeling a bit better these days. I still feel sad when i am doing nothing and nothing is distracting me from my hollow empty self.

But I'm not pregnant which is such a relief however my hair is still falling out ALOT. Im going to see a doctor on friday about it and hopefully they'll be able to work out why.

I just dont want to be sick and generally unwell anymore. I want to be healthy and happy...and skinny!

My ana mind is coming back, and i am happy. she comes and goes but i miss her when she's not around and she scares me when she is. I feel really fat these days but the scales lie and say im the same.

Ash day wednesday is on the 17th of this month. I'm giving up all sugary treats this includes but is not limited to all the bakey goods my flatmates bring home, ice cream, anything chocolate, sweet ceral, cookies, jam, soft drinks, even sugar in my tea etc! If its got sugar in it, im not eating it!

I cant keep a promise to myself but i can keep one to God. Im not very religious but im spiritual...in a religious way lol. So i do what i can in my own warped way which isnt perfect but it suits me and i feel not so alone when i pray. I know you're suppose to give up something meaningful and deep but i LOVE sugar and its going to be temptation for me everyday and it will aid in my fast track to being thin.

I started jogging again to. If only i could stop eating so much and not feel diZzy when i dont eat. My body isnt use to me starving it like i did today and i felt shit house came home and ate like a horse. Now i feel guilty...but tomorrow is another chance to fast.

ps im scared to wash my hair tomorrow because so much falls out...what is wrong with me?

Weirdo

Today i made a mental list of all the things i wouldnt have to worry about it i wasnt alive...and than i had a reality check and realised what i was doing. This isnt normal! People dont sit on the bus and on their way to work and think about how easy it would be if u were dead...do they?

Is it weird that i think about death almost every day. its not like im not plagued by it. Its just there in the back of my head like oh if i wasnt alive i wouldnt have to think about whether or not i was skinny enough or whether or not i had enough money to make it through the week or if im worthy of any mans attention or if im pretty enough or even what i should wear to work today.

Its so trivial the way i think about it. I dont want to take my life....i just think about it.

I dont want to die. I enjoy life and see beauty in it still...but i am sad underneath it all.

I dont want to stress out like i am. There isnt anything wrong with me but nothing is right. And just for something different my hair is starting to fall out. what.....the....fuck? Im 20 yr old girl, not a fucking 50 yr old man. why is my hair falling out, its stressing me hard!

And my ex is txting and talking to me all the time these days. Im scared because i like it so much. But i dont want to see him because im to fat, i put on weight again. I cant stop eating and now my hair is falling out u can see my scalp.

In short im fucked ladies..i have this cloud continuelly over my head, pressing on my shoulders. i feel hollow i feel empty and im never happy with what i am and what i have. Every day i say i wont eat as much, every day i say ill jog this afternoon and everyday i dont and everyday i feel like a failure.

A Murderous, Selfish Slut.

I dont like that last post. But i wont delete it - what's written is written.

I feel empty now a days. My bestfriend is seeing her boyfriend more and more. And i dont know how to tell her im bored. She wants to postpone the trip overseas. I just want to leave.

Im sick of my boring life. Im sick of thinking about my ex every fucking day and missing him than feeling like a loser.

Im sick of being FAT! Im sick of my job. Im sick of being so hopeless when it comes to men and relationships.

Im sick of complaining....do something about it!

I it weird that when ever i cross the road i think how if i walked a little slower or entered the road a little later would the car hit me? How much would it hurt if the car hit me? Would i die?

And im still late thats almost 2 weeks now... Im eating less though, if i am im killing it slowly.

A Murderous, Selfish Slut.

Welcome to my world.

slut

I've been so neglective of late. So much has happened and i just dont want to write it all down and seem so self involved and up myself...Even though i know i am.

So somehow without dieting and without exercising i dropped 3kg and kept it off...i blame the pill. Mother f*#ker makes me retain so much fluid. Everyone has been saying "lovelyme have you lost weight? geez you need to eat something!" Even my hated ex saw me all dolled up to the max out on the town one night. He said i looked cawaii, and that i'd lost alot of weight. I was like fuck yes bitch look what you missed out on ...bastard!

The crazy thing is i have been eating. Heaps...too much, and all the magical weight loss is starting to slow down! Or maybe its just all the alcahol ive been drinking lately. I drunk like 3 bottles of vodka over 4 days the other week...each bottle helped by another person....and a slab of beer with my girlfriend on australia day.

I eat at night than i feel guilty, i go have a shower and think about throwing up but i cant bring myself to do it, so i just sit in the bottom of the shower thinking about all the dirty fat going to my thighs, tummy, arms, cheeks, ass. It makes me so sad ive decided to cut down how much i eat. Im eating less and less again! Its making me so happy to deny myself food. Tomorrow i'll have no candy or sweets!

Other than that...im like a week and a half late. I took a test but it said i wasnt pregnant. Are those test always right? I dunno how can i be this late? The fucked up thing is ive fucked two different men with no protection this month...so if i am i dont know who the father is...oh lord im a fat fucking slut!

And all i want is my ex to call me and want me back. He calls me alright...but only so he knows im still there to fall back on when his stupid girlfriend goes back home overseas without him! HA mother fucker can go jump! I miss him like all hell...but im over him. sort of.

I dunno...i always want what i cant have!

Any way recent photos of me! As you may be able to see ive been able to loose weight around my arms and what not but my thighs are still too fat! fucking hate my body!

ps im kindda drunk as i write this...

As mini mouse at a dress up birthday party.

At Big Day Out...which is a massive festival in Australia

Thank you

Just wanna say thank you to the people that read my blog. It blows my mind that people actually take the time to sit there and read about my miserable life.

I cant imagine what it must look like from the outside looking in. Im a very fucked up person. More than i realise. More than i let on.

I think ive got some deep seated fear of being alone, not being worthy. I dont know where it came from. Im SOO clingy. And so insecure. Since i could remember. I use to cry myself into hysterics when my mum would drop me off at pre-school. In primary school i use to cry myself to sleep at night cause i wasnt in the in the "cool" group. And in high school i found out about boys and oh my did it all go down hill.

I constantly compare myself to unrealistic idols. Women airbrushed to the max, or people of a differnt race or body shape and wonder why am the way i am? And how much it'd cost to get lipo, or a boob job, or hair exstenions, or fake nails, or a fake tan, or a fake life...than would i be happy?

This insecure state of mind is what led me to my eating disorder. This insecure state of mind is what led me to men and finding my self worth in their opinion of me. Their approval.

Which i never get becuase i always choose men i shouldnt. Do i seek them out on purpose? Do i attach myself to men who i know will tread on me and push me down? Men who will cheat and make me feel worthless. Fat. Ugly. A waste of a fucking human being?

Or do i do it to myself. Do i turn these normal men into assholes? Do i push them away with my crazy paranoia? With my constant nagging? With my relentless need for love and affection? For approval? For acceptance?

Where does it end...where does it even fucking begin?

Im eating less and less. Throwing up more and more. At least this is always here. Always constant. Forever on my mind. At least this will never leave me....

The return of an old Friend

Mia has returned to me. And oh how ive missed her. And ana well she's here in the sense that when i look in the mirror i see disgusting fat empassing my thighs, calves, ass, arms, tummy, face ...the list goes on right down to my wrists! Yes my wrists are fat!

How might you ask did they return? Well they returned with my old friend sorrow.

Sorrow that my flatmate saw my ex walking down the street with his new girlfriend hand in hand.
Sorrow that i txted him the day before and he txted back straight away saying lets meet next week... maybe. And my heart literally skipped a beat.
Sorrow that i txted him the next night when his facebook said he cut up his face diving in a shallow pool and he never txt back...because he was with her.

Im sick of being fat. I want to waste away to nothing. I want to be hollow so my emotions have no home in me. Nothing to stick to. Nothing ...Nothing but emptiness and loneliness.

Where nothing can feed and nothing can fester. Nothing can dig in its claws and rip out my heart.

Every day i pass his fucking house on the bus. Every day i fucking hear something mentioned about his god forsaken country.

Every fucking day he is somewhere mentioned in my life.

Who am i? I do not know this person. I am not myself.

Every day i grow sader, ever day i grow heavier. When all i wantis to be light and fly away. I want the wind to take me far away. Travel across these lands to another place where i am not broken.

Where i am strong and i do not get my self worth from the men i attach myself to.

I hope they were dating when we fucked. I hope we fuck again so i can meet her by chance and ruin their relationship. I hope she screws him over so he feels like shit, like i do now. So he can feel this hatred that overwhelms my body that seeps into my every pore, my every being.

Im glad his 2010 has started so shit, karma is a bitch!

...At least she is ugly!

...but where does prettiness get you when you still dont get the man?