Never Ending Circle

Its a never ending circle. Im not sure when its suppose to get easier. When we find ourselves looking at our lives with happiness and satisfaction. When we stop being second and start being first. First in our jobs, in our friendships, in our relationships.

Im forever second. Second to be considered for a position, second friend to be called, second in love - Always second. Im never the girl they love, only the girl they have for seconds. How can i break this circle? How can i be their number one. His number one.

Why do i get myself into this mess. When will i be who i want to be. Skinny, beautiful, happy.

Colour and Life

It is this way. When we are most upset we have the most power to be thin. He is with her. On holiday. In mexico. He led me on for 6 months. I had to beg him to take me to the movies. He is with her for less than 2 months. He took her to a beach resort on another continent.

And so it is that im unhappy and un hungry. And i dont know which is worse? Fat and happy or skinny and desperately miserable. Can there be an in between?

Such are the colours of my life. He is not the first. And he will not be the last to shatter my heart.

Condition

Im not well. I know that. I dont have anorexia. But im not of sane mind when it comes to losing weight and how i see myself. I know this because i was looking at thinspo and i came upon this reversal.

Immediately i felt sick. Sad. Unhappy. Just looking at it makes me feel disgusting. I actually feel physically ill when i see this picture and I cannot believe that i will ever be like this! I dissected this picture in my head. The way her tummy fat rolls like a donut in the middle. The way her clothes dont fit her and pucker and pull along the waist band. The fact that she is wearing dreary, ugly gray clothes because she no longer feels sexy enough to wear fashion.

Than i saw this

And immediately I felt better. This photo makes me happy. Is that wrong? Am i sick? I dont know. I dont wish these thoughts on anyone else. Because its not a happy state of mind im in. But i want this so bad it hurts. And i wont give up. I cant give up. Xx

Thinspiration

This is Thinspiration. This is everything i desire. This is perfection!

Artistic

I really like thinspo. But i love artistic thinspo. There are a lot of beautiful pictures on this girls blog. I thought id share it with you. Xx

http://mytinybody.tumblr.com/

Legs Thinspo

My Legs are my biggest weakness so ive put these pictures up to inspire

This last picture is the pinicle of everything a woman should be.

Beauitul hair,

Beautiful skin,

Skinny legs,

small ass,

Small shoulder

tiny waist

Skinny arms

Beautiful

Perfect

Fat Foto

I went to a house party last night. They took photos. I look so fat. My arms are ssoooo fat. My face is fat. Thank god my legs were covered under a skirt so you couldnt see how fat they were or i might have cried. Im suppose to be loosing weight but its not working. I dont understand why i cant stop eating, and im tired of saying the same thing over and over without making any kind of difference.

I need to do this, im just scared people will notice and get angry at me. But im scared to actually do the ana tactics so they dont notice becasue i dont want to go in that deep... or do i?

I need to make a choice. Do i want to be skinny or do i want to stay the fat tube of lard i am?

No i want to be skinny! I want people to say "wow look how much weight she's lost!" When i go back overseas. I want my ex to think i look stunning. So he wont make any more fat jokes. No more treating me like a second rate girl he just hangs out with then there is nothing else to do. I want him to want me. Desire me. I want to be skinny... I want this so bad. Why cant i just take it!!!!!!????