Binge Weekend

Well I failed hard core over the weekend just passed. It was a great weekend but being away from all my thinspiration and the blogs I constantly read I completely lost my self control and binged! Plus I was really hung over most of the time and so I was eating like a horse. I’m too scared to weigh myself and way to embarrassed to write down what I ate. Even today, I’ve lost my control and I’m eating heaps. So subsequently I’ve been throwing up heaps! I threw up last night’s dinner and tonights. I’m not sure if it all came up though so I’m worried. Also it’s my birthday today! And I ate massive amounts of birthday cake err what a fucking fatty! I know as soon as my fake tan scrubs off I’ll be depressed as all hell, because I’ll look heaps fat. But I did do really well when I said I’d fast for the rest of Thursday! I didn’t eat till night time and then not much!But I’m kind of disappointed. I met that guy on Thursday and I got my hair coloured and it looked great! So I was full keen to meet up with him and when I did it was good...I guess. it was just so weird with him, I think he thought I was weird because he kept trying to feed me and offer me things but I was being good and I was like no no, no thank you really it’s okay I’m not hungry and he kept offering so in the end I just gave up and ate something to make him happy. But I was so awkward and shy around him, I’m not really a funny person. I’m more the person who laughs easily at other people’s jokes and so I think I really bored him, like our personalities just didn’t mix. I mean I think he's great, he didn’t try anything on me I didn’t want him to, I think he's funny and there is something about him I find soooooooooooo attractive but...I dunno something is missing and I think he realises it to, and all of a sudden from constantly texting me and talking to me on msn he's suddenly not responding or texting me at all. He didn’t even wish me happy birthday! I guess he doesn’t like me, and I shouldn’t be that upset right it’s not like I knew him for long. I guess I’m just really disappointed because it’s another failed relationship and I think it’s my fault again. I’m just having nothing to offer except a pretty face and a chubby body. I often feel like I have absolutely no personality. I always fail at relationships and its making me really sad. I haven’t been with anyone emotionally for a year now. I mean sure I’ve slept with heaps of guys but it doesn’t mean anything and it just made me feel used and dirty. I want someone to be with me, someone to look after me, to hold me and just well love me (even though lately I don’t really believe I can be loved). I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like I can’t do anything right in building a relationship. Err it’s so depressing! But other than that, I had heaps of fun with my friends and I went clubbing and I met another guy. A personal trainer and dude he had a hot six pack nice smile and he brought my friend and I a bajillion drinks. we made out all night (mainly cause I wanted to prove to myself I didn’t care about the other guy which I so do) and I thought he was just drunk but the next day he texted me and said we should hang out so...I dunno? AND THAN...my ex called me! Today on my birthday my ex called me. The one who completely and utterly fucked up my life. The one i haven’t spoken to in just over a year. The one who pretty much introduced and funded my drug habit, the one with the child and long term (now) girlfriend...WTF is all I can say! He called me twice to in one day and what I’m most scared about is I felt the easiest and the calmest talking to him than I have with any man since we broke up! It’s just not right I’m so scared; I don’t know what to do about it.

But I can see my old problems rising again. I am completely and utter consumed by the way men interact within my life. I lose myself in a guy...in a friggen month! It scares me to death that I latch onto someone that fast, and it scares me even more that 4 days away from my house and I pigged out hard core and put on all the weight I lost. You should see my fucking stomach it’s bloated and monstrous! I’m so ashamed. I’m gonna go straight back to my dieting ways, I just have to keep up with the inspiration to be thin and beautiful. Have to get that mind frame back that food is disgusting and unnecessary! I don’t know what to do about my man issues. I honestly bring them on myself but it’s just made me sooo depressed because its dragged up something I was trying to leave hidden in the shadows – my lack of emotional control and absolute and utter lack of any personality what so ever. I feel like a blank on the inside. Like nothing is inside me, I’m like a diseased apple - pretty on the outside but rotten on the inside. Like a Bright and colourful piece of paper but turn it over and all you find is a very forgettable dull white. Hollow, bland, boring, nothing...that’s me! I wish I could be funny, make jokes, have witty comebacks, and do something other than just laugh. But that’s all I do. When I meet a new person I hope to god they’re a talker because I have nothing to talk about myself. People ask what’s exciting about you and there is nothing to say! What do you talk about when you are so hollow on the inside? One time at uni we had to introduce ourselves to the person next to us and then present to the class what we learnt about them. I let the girl talk so much and barely said anything about me that when it came time for her to talk about me she realised she had nothing. There is nothing special about me, sure I have a pretty face (sometimes when I cake myself in fake tan and makeup) but who am I really? I don’t know...and I haven’t for 20 years...