depressing weight

I havent had a scale since i moved from the 'big smoke' back to my 'home town'. I've been eating what ever i like and ive been to happy to really care.

The other night i saw my ex. He's only seen me about 3 times since 2 year ago, when i was at my worst/best weight...49kg. That was when i had a massive amphetamine habit.

I weigh over 10kg more than that now and he noticed. He said i was FAT! I wanted to go and throw up my dinner right there on the spot. He really stuck into me. Said he'd checked out my ghetto booty in the kitchen (while i was heating up a desert cake shame on me) and than he grabbed my thighs and wiggled my fat and asked 'omg does that go all the way down?'

i ...fucking.....hate .....myself!

Today i tried to eat really healthy but of course it didnt work. That fucking cookie jar! ? If i could i'd through it out the window of our 12 storey building!

So i had breakfast hoping it'd curve my hunger for the day, and i ate only fruit during the day (along with 3 of the devil cookies and 2 no fat milk coffees). When i got home i had 99% fat free soup and 2 peices of rye bread. I know this is ALOT and isnt great but im still in the process of saying no to myself. Than my flatmate came over and offered me two peices of wait for it.....garlic bread.

and i ate it :( :( :( :(

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?

I really want to try fasting for a day but im scared ill fail and im scared ill just binge the next day. I wish i had self control. I wish i could write a post in here that wasnt about failing. Its all i seem to do these days. My life consists of when is my next meal.

I weighed myself tonight aswell and im fairly sure the scales are out but i was high...way high... i hate myself.

i
hate
my
body