dream

A couple of nights ago i had this dream. I cant remember much about it except that i was sitting there looking at my leg and all the fat on it and for some reason i decided to take a big bite out of my thigh. The dream continued on and i forgot about it until i lifted up my skirt and saw the massive chunk missing in my leg. When i looked closer at it i could see inside my leg a distint layer of disgusting yellowy red fat ontop of like muscle and sinue. It was so depressing.

Lately ive been eating HEAPS! And not even caring. Im so incredibly fat at the moment. I feel so self concious. I dont even want to go out anymore.

Im trying hard to cut back what i eat and how much but i just love eating so much. I get so much enjoyment out of it until 10mins later when im like omg...i need to throw up why the fuck did i just eat that?

Err im so incredibly depressed at the moment, i just want to sleep all the time. Im in a rut. I Day dream about being skinny, and than get really excited about it and say im going to fast today yay! Soon i will be skinny! Than after about 2 hrs i get hungry and eat till i have a food baby! WTF?

I sit there and have arguments in my head with myself. Saying okay today i will only eat this apple and a sandwich. Half for morning tea half for afternoon tea and than nothing else! Than i suddenly think omg thats so much food, no way can i allow myself to eat that much carbs and crap! But than rational me comes in and says hello? Your only going to eat that? Thats not alot of food at all you can so eat more! Normal people eat more than that! Than im like wait no its not dont eat more...but its to late my awesome ana thinking has been ruined and i just end up eating like a horse!

I need to train myself better!

...post cut short...flatmate just got home

stay strong! x