oops i did it again

oops, i did it again. i went 5 days without stalk booking my ex. I was actually starting to feel ok and forget him...starting...and than i clicked on a mutual friend and saw his pic and he hadnt been on fb for like a month (or so i thought) but of course he had, he just hadnt made any contact with me. He'd commented somone on tuesday so i looked at him and it all came flooding back..i'm so stupid! I undid all my hard work.

The fucked up thing is i dont miss him per say, i just miss "something". I dont know what it is, i cant put my finger on it.

My hair is still falling out in handfuls. But im going to see a doc about my sadness today. I gonna feel so stupid i know! But i cried at work again the other day, and again when i was walking home yesterday for no reason. im disinterested in everything work, clothes, friends, eating, going overseas.

This isnt normal, i need help but i feel like fake like if i was really depressed id be locked up. Are there different levels of sadness?

So ana is slowly slowly returning in the way that im eating less and less everyday and that i feel guilty eating anything now. Nothing taste good anymore probably cause im sad but mostly because i feel to guilty to enjoy it.

Yesterday i had once peice of toast for breakfast than a salad for lunch and no dinner. Ill do the same again today.

Im workin in my old job at the bar tonight. I hope i do well, and dont fuck up. I know what to do but its been almost a year, im gonna be a lil rusty and like its right next to were i met my ex - his old bar he worked at.

Hope things are okay tonight....hope i can be happy and skinny!