I got really fucked up with my manager( of one week) this past saturday. We got high as kites together in his room above our work which has cctv everywhere, kissed and just broke all the rules. Now i must find a new job, a new place to live. I cant go back there! Im so ashamed.
And im so fucking stupid...what is wrong with me? I feel so dirty and so down on myself.
Where are my brains to say no? This is wrong. I didnt want to kiss him, i felt like i had to. I could have said no and i did, but he got offended and if he kicked me out i was stuck in the middle of the city with no where to go. And he kept freaking out, cause he couldnt handle the high. He got so paranoid, kept twitching standing up sitting down running down the stairs running up the stairs...it was fucking weird! And because i was so high i told my manager of one week i murdered my chid and i use to be a druggie...wtf? No one knows this shit...no one. And now almost a complete stranger knows it...wtf was i thinking? How do i get myself in these situations? I feel so wrong, so slutty sooo stupid. We only kissed but im revolted by him and all men in general after what has happened. Im truly scared from my ex...im really fucking messed up in the head at the moment! Im not dealing with it well at all.
At least i didnt eat for over 24hrs...
My Thinspiration for the Moment 15/12/2011
About Me
- lovelyme
- I love music, friends, boys and I’m obsessed with losing weight! I made this blog to keep a record of what I ate and to vent my feelings, but it’s so fucking hard to write what I’m feeling or understand it. I often feel like I don’t even know myself, but than I wonder do I really want to? My life’s not particularly hard and I know I’m blessed so sometimes I wonder why I feel like this? I use to have an ED in highschool and than went on to develope a pretty bad drug habit, they both still haunt me...
2 comments:
He took advantage of the situation and cornered you into kissing him.
The problem you have is with boundaries. Lot's of us with eating disorders have this issue. It is because we weren't taught good boundaries growing up, and now lack them as adults. Picture is as an invisible wall that goes up and allows you to avoid or halt situations that will make you uncomfortable. There are some great books on boundaries out there.
Your apt manager doesn't have the power to evict you over kissing/not kissing. If you signed a lease, there is NOTHING he can do, and if you didn't, you could still report him to the fair housing agencies in you city. You could also call the building owner- remember, he is just the manager.
As long as you have paid rent there is nothing he can do. It is extremely tricky to evict anyone, very complicated and I am SURE he won't try to. He could lose his job if the truth came out.
My advice? Ignore him, and put up a huge boundary around yourself, and he will go away. Or confront him and tell him you have a new boyfriend, girlfriend, your in a murderous rage, are having an affair with the twelve dwarfs, whatever. Just be straightforward that you want nothing more to do with him.
I can't tell you how many times I have slept with or kissed a guy I was not into out of a boundary issue, and how bad I felt later. It happens, it isn't your fault. That guy is just a goober.
And don't worry about what you told him. It isn't your fault.
Don't move out over this, it isn't worth it.
oh dear, we all make mistakes.
You need to calm down, you dont need to make any rash decisions, it'll all be okay.
I hope you're alright lovely, x.
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