Roma and Life beyond

So i went to Roma Italy...for free! I had an amazing time. Ate lots of pasta and pizza and cheese and wine. And chocolate. It was not a good food conscious holiday. But it was amazing. I went with this man i never even really spoke to. He just up and invited me to go with him. A local in my pub who works near us. Call him Mr. Italian. He's gorgeous naturally but a bit short. Any way we spend a wonderful 6 days together. Living in each others pockets. And he goes from being his man i was completely not interested in to being madly in love with. Not Good. We get back to london and we text and talk but of course he doesnt want to live in my pocket anymore. I get insecure. Start calling him and texting him to much. Stop being chased and start chasing. I invite myself over. Half drunk. Had a mini fight, but was okay. We start fucking and i freak out and start crying about 'What happened' 5 months ago. Of course he doesnt understand. So i tell him for some stupid reason. ....FUCK! Its ruined. I ruined a perfectly good relationship....again!

What is wrong with me? Im so clingy and needy. I destroy men. I turn good men into arseholes. I know there is something wrong with me, but i only remember once its to late.

Im eating less. And ive stopped weighing myself. I made a promise to myself not to eat chocolate for the month of january and so far so good. Ive been looking at thinspo and i really want to fast. Ive been doing the only eat two meals a day. Make sure you dont starve...if you're hungry eat an apple or banana. I Eat half the portions of dinner i normally would. But i just want to skip dinner all together. I always eat breakfast but i want to be painfully skinny. Summer is coming and i want to wear little shorts and skirts. I want to show off my flat tummy and my sharp hip bones. Pencil legs. I want to be beautiful. I will be beautiful...eventually. Xx