Overwhelming

Sometimes its a bit overwhelming...and i dont know where to turn.

Lately ive been getting depressed again. And i know thats not a good thing

But secretly i am happy for that means that im going to take loosing weight seriously.

I dont know what triggers it, but i cant hide this darkness...

thats plagued me since i started this blog.

And i dont want to write about misery's of what ive done and what ive been throw, cause im not the only one. And this is only the start, im not suicidal...i have a long life ahead of me

and i want to live a skinny life. A Beautiful life

I want people to say as i turn my back

"wow she's lost so much weight hasnt she?"

I want to be that girl that doesnt eat very much and people look at her funny.

The beautiful one...

Last night i throw up. I made food, ate it, and throw it up in a rage of guilt...

all within 40minutes. This morning my stomach as flat.

I am happy for this...

Im scared my depression will get worse...and im scared i cant hide it, and im happy i will be skinny, beautiful, thin...and people will want me

i will want me

This is a fantastic thinsipiration site...take a look

http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com/

Its been a while...

Its been a while since i wrote in here...and a lot of things have happened. Good and Bad. Im trying to keep a positive attitude towards life, but its always difficult to be the person you want to be when its so easy to be the negative lazy git that comes naturally.

Ive been pigging out lately. Im living and working in london now...which is just what i wanted 6 months ago. But its so cold over here that my body is going into hibernation and my mind is saying EAT EAT EAT! and so what have i done? eat eat eat!!!

I weigh about 64kg right now. Its disgusting. I cant fit some of my jeans from home, tights that were loose are tight, ive got cellulite out of control and im still so hungry for comfort food. And im putting a stop to it starting yesterday. My new eating routine is not going to be ana-ish. Ive got to start slow and if i try to not eat im just gonna go mental. So im eating a good breakfast. Weetbix and banana with a tiny bit of honey, or some muesli with skim milk. Than i might eat a boiled egg or apple during the day. Than at night im only going to eat soup. Im cutting out bread and pasta which ive been living on lately. And im going to cut down my sugar intake. Only allow myself a treat on the weekends. One small chocolate bar or cookie or something. Just so i dont go mental. And thats all i need.

Today ive done okay, just wondering how ill go with dinner tonight at my work. I know they'll serve up some disgusting pasta and ill be like nnnnnarrrrmmmmmyyyyy! Blah im so fat now a days. When i look back i almost want to cry. I need thinspiration constantly. I want skinny legs and a small cute bum! I want my arms to be thin and i want the fluid in my face to go away!

I know i can do this! I want to be 57kg...than we'll see if i can get skinnier but for the mean time id be happy just under 60!

Good luck girls, i hope you've been holding stronger than me

Xx

I wish i had legs like this

Just when i think its getting Better

Just when i think things are getting better they fall apart again. On the outside nothing changes. But on inside im constantly struggling with myself to be happy with who i am and what i represent. Im so stressed out about finding a job and a place to live. About feeling wanted and excepted. Feeling valued. Feeling sexy and fashionable. When i know those last two matter the least they're what i want the most. I ate so much over the last week. Today i ate four pieces of bacon and 6 pieces of toast, two bowls of muesli and a bowl of soup. I cant stop eating. Its just ridiculous. And i feel i am so fat, i feel ugly and undesirable. But the idea of starving myself is so depressing. Eating is the only thing that makes me happy at the moment. But its not making me happy in the long run. I need to do more exercise. I need to eat less. I need a job. I need money. I need a place to live. I need a life....But most of all i need to forgive myself for what i've done but i cant!

I am selfish. I am horrible human being. I should have just gone home and cut my holiday short when i found out i was pregnant and had my baby. It would have been a different life, but it would have been a life with my child. And ill never get that chance again. Oh god i just...i dont know... what have i done?

Moving on

Post deleted

Stupid

I got really fucked up with my manager( of one week) this past saturday. We got high as kites together in his room above our work which has cctv everywhere, kissed and just broke all the rules. Now i must find a new job, a new place to live. I cant go back there! Im so ashamed.

And im so fucking stupid...what is wrong with me? I feel so dirty and so down on myself.

Where are my brains to say no? This is wrong. I didnt want to kiss him, i felt like i had to. I could have said no and i did, but he got offended and if he kicked me out i was stuck in the middle of the city with no where to go. And he kept freaking out, cause he couldnt handle the high. He got so paranoid, kept twitching standing up sitting down running down the stairs running up the stairs...it was fucking weird! And because i was so high i told my manager of one week i murdered my chid and i use to be a druggie...wtf? No one knows this shit...no one. And now almost a complete stranger knows it...wtf was i thinking? How do i get myself in these situations? I feel so wrong, so slutty sooo stupid. We only kissed but im revolted by him and all men in general after what has happened. Im truly scared from my ex...im really fucking messed up in the head at the moment! Im not dealing with it well at all.

At least i didnt eat for over 24hrs...

Sad

As disgusting as it is...as i write this im dreaming of going into the kitchen and eating half a loaf of bread! Truly i do not have even the remotest form of an ED any more.

I wish i could be skinny, but i love eating so much. How unfortunate that i have to be one of those people who eat for comfort. I wish i was those lucky people who cant eat when they're depressed. But than im not really depressed...im just sad.

Sad that im so far from home. So far from everything i know and love - Lovelyme in a foreign country! Working, living...eating.

Sad that im fat and i dont care, sad that ive had to grow up so much over the last 3 months that i'll never have that innocence back.

Sad that before i left, i stupidly started a relationship with my ex again. Sad that we admitted we "loved" each other. Sad that its now finally and irreversible over. Sad that he couldnt be a real man and start a family with me. Sad that because of him i murdered our unborn child. Sad that he couldnt care less about it. Sad that he left me to go back to her. Sad that she is so beautiful and so skinny! Sad that he is with her now and doesn't break down in silent tears every time he sees a baby or a pregnant woman. Sad that he doesn't think about me everyday as i think of him. Sad that the only people i can tell are the on the otherside of a computer screen.

And sad that I cant forgive myself for what i've done ...and for still being hopelessly in love with him.