A couple of nights ago i had this dream. I cant remember much about it except that i was sitting there looking at my leg and all the fat on it and for some reason i decided to take a big bite out of my thigh. The dream continued on and i forgot about it until i lifted up my skirt and saw the massive chunk missing in my leg. When i looked closer at it i could see inside my leg a distint layer of disgusting yellowy red fat ontop of like muscle and sinue. It was so depressing.
Lately ive been eating HEAPS! And not even caring. Im so incredibly fat at the moment. I feel so self concious. I dont even want to go out anymore.
Im trying hard to cut back what i eat and how much but i just love eating so much. I get so much enjoyment out of it until 10mins later when im like omg...i need to throw up why the fuck did i just eat that?
Err im so incredibly depressed at the moment, i just want to sleep all the time. Im in a rut. I Day dream about being skinny, and than get really excited about it and say im going to fast today yay! Soon i will be skinny! Than after about 2 hrs i get hungry and eat till i have a food baby! WTF?
I sit there and have arguments in my head with myself. Saying okay today i will only eat this apple and a sandwich. Half for morning tea half for afternoon tea and than nothing else! Than i suddenly think omg thats so much food, no way can i allow myself to eat that much carbs and crap! But than rational me comes in and says hello? Your only going to eat that? Thats not alot of food at all you can so eat more! Normal people eat more than that! Than im like wait no its not dont eat more...but its to late my awesome ana thinking has been ruined and i just end up eating like a horse!
I need to train myself better!
...post cut short...flatmate just got home
stay strong! x
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Updates (long post)
Things have changed so much. I moved out of my old share house and now live with my best friend and a gay couple. They're really nice people and im glad i came here but its like a family...which is good but it just means they always eat together. Dinners are insane here, they're full on meals. Like big pasta's, or pizza or FAT. And i dont have the self disapline to say no. If the food is infront of me i have to eat it! And i cant stand their eyes watching me judging me for not eating.
Ive put weight back on. I reckon about 3 or 4kg. But ive taken up jogging again. And im enjoying it. I want to jog every second day. Because i work in a office all day and i am sitting for 6hrs im getting so fat. I need to excerise and eat less! I want to be skinny but i also want to be toned. Nice shapely legs, and im hoping that excerise will minimise my cellulite. Its pretty bad at the moment. Its very depressing!
Sometimes i look at my legs in photos and i can see where my thighs should stop, and than there is all this extra fat and cellulite hanging off it. It looks so weird. There is like a big line going down my leg. The indent of the bone i guess and than all the fat hangs off it. My legs are naturally quite spread apart at the top. Like my thighs go like this )( i cant really explain it but there is a big gap between them (when im skinny). I love it but at the moment the extra fat (and omg i have saddle bags now!!!) just hangs off like a melting blob - big drumstick legs. ERRR YUCK!
To make matters worse for me i have a new man in my life sort of. I dont know what it is about him, or why but i feel like i really like him. I cant know for sure but it feels like this time its genuine.
IM TERRIFIED!
He's 6 yrs older than me and a different nationality and culture. Maybe because of that or maybe cause he's older than me or maybe cause im so crazy and clingy when i actually fall for a guy but he just seems so... like he doesnt care.
Im so conflicted. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I HATE it! And when im with this guy im not in control. Im a fucking mess. I thought i was past this kind of thing but im not. He sends me mixed messages. He cant be bothered waiting for me to meet up, or even make an effort to see me when we're both out. But he never doesnt txt back. Sometimes he takes a couple hours but he always txt back to me. But theyre always closed end questions or non-invational statments.
Fuck i hate this. It's really difficult because i met him through a guy i was fucking his name can be 'wasian' (he's white but is inlove with everything japanese and thinks he's gangsta ..err what was i thinking?).Any way i didnt realise how friendly wasian and hot guy are. wasian is at his house like every weekend, and wasians best friend is hot guys flatmate! I think wasian was pretty upset too when he found out hot guy and i were fucking and im pretty he's said bad things about me. Im worried they talk about me badly behind my back. ERRRRR!!! lovely me the village bicycle!
And the other night he slept over and i tried to talk to him about how i felt and i thought he'd back away or give really simple answers but he didnt. I asked him whether he liked me or just liked fucking me because i feel like a whore. He said he liked me but there was a pause!
Than i got really nervous and self concious and i couldnt talk. I have alot of trouble talking about those kind of emotions with men! Any way he really suprised me and hit back with all these really hard hitting questions like 'do you want me to be your boyfriend?' (in a negative tone) and 'what do you want me to say?' and other stuff. When i write it down and look at it it looks pretty lame but at the time i was speechless. He's first language isnt english and i thought he wouldnt really have the knowledge to comprehend in english what i was saying but he totally understood and just made me feel so insecure and confused.
But the thing is that hot guy is pretty toned, tan and has nice skin- all hard muscle, and im the complete oppisite. flabby, pale and pimplely! The other night when he slept over i was so concious of my self. He kept grabbing my love handles and saying 'love handles' and feeling my fat thighs and pinching my skin which is NOT advisable as i have sooo much cellulite. I felt so fat next to him. I can stand it when im fatter than the men im with. We were lying on the bed and i was wearing short shorts and i sort of half sat up twisting i dunno it was weird but i looked down and my thight and there was an area like 15cm by 15cm of orange peel disgusting cellulite. I was so embaressed i moved my leg really quickly but i reckon he saw.
The women of his nationality to are naturally petite and skinny. i must look like a whale to him. and orange peel whale :( :(
So its decided i will excerise more and eat less, eat better and hopefully just forget about hot guy. Its pretty sad but in the end id rather never see him again and just forget him than feel the way i feel now...
sorry for the long post guys, more interesting and better stuff has probably happen that would've been better to blog about but i had to get this off my chest.
stay strong, x
Ive put weight back on. I reckon about 3 or 4kg. But ive taken up jogging again. And im enjoying it. I want to jog every second day. Because i work in a office all day and i am sitting for 6hrs im getting so fat. I need to excerise and eat less! I want to be skinny but i also want to be toned. Nice shapely legs, and im hoping that excerise will minimise my cellulite. Its pretty bad at the moment. Its very depressing!
Sometimes i look at my legs in photos and i can see where my thighs should stop, and than there is all this extra fat and cellulite hanging off it. It looks so weird. There is like a big line going down my leg. The indent of the bone i guess and than all the fat hangs off it. My legs are naturally quite spread apart at the top. Like my thighs go like this )( i cant really explain it but there is a big gap between them (when im skinny). I love it but at the moment the extra fat (and omg i have saddle bags now!!!) just hangs off like a melting blob - big drumstick legs. ERRR YUCK!
To make matters worse for me i have a new man in my life sort of. I dont know what it is about him, or why but i feel like i really like him. I cant know for sure but it feels like this time its genuine.
IM TERRIFIED!
He's 6 yrs older than me and a different nationality and culture. Maybe because of that or maybe cause he's older than me or maybe cause im so crazy and clingy when i actually fall for a guy but he just seems so... like he doesnt care.
Im so conflicted. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I HATE it! And when im with this guy im not in control. Im a fucking mess. I thought i was past this kind of thing but im not. He sends me mixed messages. He cant be bothered waiting for me to meet up, or even make an effort to see me when we're both out. But he never doesnt txt back. Sometimes he takes a couple hours but he always txt back to me. But theyre always closed end questions or non-invational statments.
Fuck i hate this. It's really difficult because i met him through a guy i was fucking his name can be 'wasian' (he's white but is inlove with everything japanese and thinks he's gangsta ..err what was i thinking?).Any way i didnt realise how friendly wasian and hot guy are. wasian is at his house like every weekend, and wasians best friend is hot guys flatmate! I think wasian was pretty upset too when he found out hot guy and i were fucking and im pretty he's said bad things about me. Im worried they talk about me badly behind my back. ERRRRR!!! lovely me the village bicycle!
And the other night he slept over and i tried to talk to him about how i felt and i thought he'd back away or give really simple answers but he didnt. I asked him whether he liked me or just liked fucking me because i feel like a whore. He said he liked me but there was a pause!
Than i got really nervous and self concious and i couldnt talk. I have alot of trouble talking about those kind of emotions with men! Any way he really suprised me and hit back with all these really hard hitting questions like 'do you want me to be your boyfriend?' (in a negative tone) and 'what do you want me to say?' and other stuff. When i write it down and look at it it looks pretty lame but at the time i was speechless. He's first language isnt english and i thought he wouldnt really have the knowledge to comprehend in english what i was saying but he totally understood and just made me feel so insecure and confused.
But the thing is that hot guy is pretty toned, tan and has nice skin- all hard muscle, and im the complete oppisite. flabby, pale and pimplely! The other night when he slept over i was so concious of my self. He kept grabbing my love handles and saying 'love handles' and feeling my fat thighs and pinching my skin which is NOT advisable as i have sooo much cellulite. I felt so fat next to him. I can stand it when im fatter than the men im with. We were lying on the bed and i was wearing short shorts and i sort of half sat up twisting i dunno it was weird but i looked down and my thight and there was an area like 15cm by 15cm of orange peel disgusting cellulite. I was so embaressed i moved my leg really quickly but i reckon he saw.
The women of his nationality to are naturally petite and skinny. i must look like a whale to him. and orange peel whale :( :(
So its decided i will excerise more and eat less, eat better and hopefully just forget about hot guy. Its pretty sad but in the end id rather never see him again and just forget him than feel the way i feel now...
sorry for the long post guys, more interesting and better stuff has probably happen that would've been better to blog about but i had to get this off my chest.
stay strong, x
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Changes
Sticking to the new diet regime is difficult. More difficult than i expected after the first week. Im getting hunger headaches and eating the cookies again.
But my eating amounts and habits are still much betterthan a fortnight ago and im eating less.
Its just hard to hide my hunger from my work collegues. My mouth is too loose and i always say things like 'im so hungry!' or just stare hard out at people eating food i would LOVE to binge on!
Ive been to scared to jump back on the scales to see if my weight has gone up. I was so proud of myself breaking into the 50s.
I saw my ex this weekend and used with him. I dont know if i loved it or hated it. I loved the feeling of just not being hungry at all! Of my stomach growling because i hadnt eaten anything all day but i jsut wanted hungry! And all that energy...but than it wore off and i just felt edgey sad and...weird. so tired!
Im not drinking as much though, but im living for the weekends when i can get pissed off my face.
Im waiting for a new challenge to come into my life. I want change. I scares the hell outta me but i love it...God my posts are boring!
But my eating amounts and habits are still much betterthan a fortnight ago and im eating less.
Its just hard to hide my hunger from my work collegues. My mouth is too loose and i always say things like 'im so hungry!' or just stare hard out at people eating food i would LOVE to binge on!
Ive been to scared to jump back on the scales to see if my weight has gone up. I was so proud of myself breaking into the 50s.
I saw my ex this weekend and used with him. I dont know if i loved it or hated it. I loved the feeling of just not being hungry at all! Of my stomach growling because i hadnt eaten anything all day but i jsut wanted hungry! And all that energy...but than it wore off and i just felt edgey sad and...weird. so tired!
Im not drinking as much though, but im living for the weekends when i can get pissed off my face.
Im waiting for a new challenge to come into my life. I want change. I scares the hell outta me but i love it...God my posts are boring!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
broke it
Just a quick post, i know ive written 3 consecutive posts this week and i must be filling up your dash board with lovelyme updates but....
I broke the 50 mark! i now weigh according to my dodgey scales 59.5kg!
I finally did it, it means my diet is working!!!
I feel healthier also and i stomach is heaps flat, i can finally see my abs again thank gosh!
Im going to keep going, and the best part is i ate less than i did yesterday. maybe as i go on i can keep cutting down my food intake.
I will be that skinny girl that turns everyones heads!
Makes you stop and stare as i go past!
I broke the 50 mark! i now weigh according to my dodgey scales 59.5kg!
I finally did it, it means my diet is working!!!
I feel healthier also and i stomach is heaps flat, i can finally see my abs again thank gosh!
Im going to keep going, and the best part is i ate less than i did yesterday. maybe as i go on i can keep cutting down my food intake.
I will be that skinny girl that turns everyones heads!
Makes you stop and stare as i go past!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
small win
Ive set myself an eating plan, and ive stuck to it for the last two days.
Im happy, its a small win. Im going to see how much weight i loose if i stick to this for 2 weeks. Im only eating muesli and yogurt breakfast, 3 peices of fruit for lunch and 99% fat free soup for dinner with rye bread. Roughly about 700 cals a day.
I really want to be under 60kg before i go overseas.
I really want to have smaller portion sizes and less meals. I want to be that girl that leaves over half the food on her plate, i want to be that girl that says no thank you to food.
When i go over seas i know im not gonna have alot of money to buy food and im worried all ill eat is 2min noodles and they're the worst thing u can eat. They make you so fat. I refuse to get fatter than i am, specially in another country while im on holidays taking a million photos!
My housemates cooked brownies today and i ate a little one. Im very dissappointed in myself for that but i REALLY want to go out there and hoe down on another one but i wont! so plus probably another 200cals for that one brownie :( :(
but yesterday and today i didnt touch the cookie jar, and some fat bitch offered me cake and i was like "no thanks!" damn proud!!! The poeple i work with are starting to get sus on me. They keep asking me if ive eaten today, one even said "Do you ever eat anything?". I think they're sus on me cause i always watch what they eat like a hawk. Because i soooooo want to eat that dirty pasta, or that big ol' cookie but i cant, i wont!
I can do this, i have this, i will be thin!
x
Im happy, its a small win. Im going to see how much weight i loose if i stick to this for 2 weeks. Im only eating muesli and yogurt breakfast, 3 peices of fruit for lunch and 99% fat free soup for dinner with rye bread. Roughly about 700 cals a day.
I really want to be under 60kg before i go overseas.
I really want to have smaller portion sizes and less meals. I want to be that girl that leaves over half the food on her plate, i want to be that girl that says no thank you to food.
When i go over seas i know im not gonna have alot of money to buy food and im worried all ill eat is 2min noodles and they're the worst thing u can eat. They make you so fat. I refuse to get fatter than i am, specially in another country while im on holidays taking a million photos!
My housemates cooked brownies today and i ate a little one. Im very dissappointed in myself for that but i REALLY want to go out there and hoe down on another one but i wont! so plus probably another 200cals for that one brownie :( :(
but yesterday and today i didnt touch the cookie jar, and some fat bitch offered me cake and i was like "no thanks!" damn proud!!! The poeple i work with are starting to get sus on me. They keep asking me if ive eaten today, one even said "Do you ever eat anything?". I think they're sus on me cause i always watch what they eat like a hawk. Because i soooooo want to eat that dirty pasta, or that big ol' cookie but i cant, i wont!
I can do this, i have this, i will be thin!
x
Monday, July 20, 2009
depressing weight
I havent had a scale since i moved from the 'big smoke' back to my 'home town'. I've been eating what ever i like and ive been to happy to really care.
The other night i saw my ex. He's only seen me about 3 times since 2 year ago, when i was at my worst/best weight...49kg. That was when i had a massive amphetamine habit.
I weigh over 10kg more than that now and he noticed. He said i was FAT! I wanted to go and throw up my dinner right there on the spot. He really stuck into me. Said he'd checked out my ghetto booty in the kitchen (while i was heating up a desert cake shame on me) and than he grabbed my thighs and wiggled my fat and asked 'omg does that go all the way down?'
i ...fucking.....hate .....myself!
Today i tried to eat really healthy but of course it didnt work. That fucking cookie jar! ? If i could i'd through it out the window of our 12 storey building!
So i had breakfast hoping it'd curve my hunger for the day, and i ate only fruit during the day (along with 3 of the devil cookies and 2 no fat milk coffees). When i got home i had 99% fat free soup and 2 peices of rye bread. I know this is ALOT and isnt great but im still in the process of saying no to myself. Than my flatmate came over and offered me two peices of wait for it.....garlic bread.
and i ate it :( :( :( :(
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?
I really want to try fasting for a day but im scared ill fail and im scared ill just binge the next day. I wish i had self control. I wish i could write a post in here that wasnt about failing. Its all i seem to do these days. My life consists of when is my next meal.
I weighed myself tonight aswell and im fairly sure the scales are out but i was high...way high... i hate myself.
i
hate
my
body
The other night i saw my ex. He's only seen me about 3 times since 2 year ago, when i was at my worst/best weight...49kg. That was when i had a massive amphetamine habit.
I weigh over 10kg more than that now and he noticed. He said i was FAT! I wanted to go and throw up my dinner right there on the spot. He really stuck into me. Said he'd checked out my ghetto booty in the kitchen (while i was heating up a desert cake shame on me) and than he grabbed my thighs and wiggled my fat and asked 'omg does that go all the way down?'
i ...fucking.....hate .....myself!
Today i tried to eat really healthy but of course it didnt work. That fucking cookie jar! ? If i could i'd through it out the window of our 12 storey building!
So i had breakfast hoping it'd curve my hunger for the day, and i ate only fruit during the day (along with 3 of the devil cookies and 2 no fat milk coffees). When i got home i had 99% fat free soup and 2 peices of rye bread. I know this is ALOT and isnt great but im still in the process of saying no to myself. Than my flatmate came over and offered me two peices of wait for it.....garlic bread.
and i ate it :( :( :( :(
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?
I really want to try fasting for a day but im scared ill fail and im scared ill just binge the next day. I wish i had self control. I wish i could write a post in here that wasnt about failing. Its all i seem to do these days. My life consists of when is my next meal.
I weighed myself tonight aswell and im fairly sure the scales are out but i was high...way high... i hate myself.
i
hate
my
body
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Muffin Temptation
I went to work today and was determined to eat well slash nothing. I had a healthy breakfast (muesli and fat free yogurht with skim milk). But low and behold what did the fat call centre people bring out for brunch? FUCKING MUFFINS! Little tiny cute adorable parsels of F-A-T!!! You could actually see the oil in these babies just dripping and being all disgusting and deliously fatty... blarrr!!!!
I ate two...im so ashamed!
But to my credit (although i dont deserve any) i stayed the fuck away from the cookie jar and if they'd been no muffin temptation i wouldnt have eaten sweets all day...which doesnt really count in the long run does it? Cause i still failed.
And even more so when i got home. I was starving and got into my flatmates terrible tuna pasta bake which was just aweful..it didnt even taste good. So i hoed into that, than i still wasnt satisfied so i had a small bowl of muesli thaaann i was still hungry so i cooked up chicken and veggies and doused it in bbq sauce. WTF
MAN I FELT SOOOOO GUILTY! So i went and had a shower and throw up all the chicken and veggies till i started seeing pasta in my upchuck. I stopped after that. I wanted to keep going but i always add over half a jar to chili flakes to every meal and it was burning my throat something chronic...
I know its bad, but im so glad i thru it up. Im glad that disgusting fat is out of my stomach! I just have to apply my cookie jar mind trip on other foods now.
Buuuuttt the fatties had little pancakes with jam and cream today in a meeting and i ate one and than i was like nooooooooooooooooo cellulite thighs fatty knees beer belly! And i stopped...so proud of myself!
Now i just gotta get that ana disapline back....hmm any tips??!!
This thinspo is pretty old and you've probably seen it before but i fucking love it so im reposting it...enjoy x
I ate two...im so ashamed!
But to my credit (although i dont deserve any) i stayed the fuck away from the cookie jar and if they'd been no muffin temptation i wouldnt have eaten sweets all day...which doesnt really count in the long run does it? Cause i still failed.
And even more so when i got home. I was starving and got into my flatmates terrible tuna pasta bake which was just aweful..it didnt even taste good. So i hoed into that, than i still wasnt satisfied so i had a small bowl of muesli thaaann i was still hungry so i cooked up chicken and veggies and doused it in bbq sauce. WTF
MAN I FELT SOOOOO GUILTY! So i went and had a shower and throw up all the chicken and veggies till i started seeing pasta in my upchuck. I stopped after that. I wanted to keep going but i always add over half a jar to chili flakes to every meal and it was burning my throat something chronic...
I know its bad, but im so glad i thru it up. Im glad that disgusting fat is out of my stomach! I just have to apply my cookie jar mind trip on other foods now.
Buuuuttt the fatties had little pancakes with jam and cream today in a meeting and i ate one and than i was like nooooooooooooooooo cellulite thighs fatty knees beer belly! And i stopped...so proud of myself!
Now i just gotta get that ana disapline back....hmm any tips??!!
This thinspo is pretty old and you've probably seen it before but i fucking love it so im reposting it...enjoy x
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