Stupid

I got really fucked up with my manager( of one week) this past saturday. We got high as kites together in his room above our work which has cctv everywhere, kissed and just broke all the rules. Now i must find a new job, a new place to live. I cant go back there! Im so ashamed.

And im so fucking stupid...what is wrong with me? I feel so dirty and so down on myself.

Where are my brains to say no? This is wrong. I didnt want to kiss him, i felt like i had to. I could have said no and i did, but he got offended and if he kicked me out i was stuck in the middle of the city with no where to go. And he kept freaking out, cause he couldnt handle the high. He got so paranoid, kept twitching standing up sitting down running down the stairs running up the stairs...it was fucking weird! And because i was so high i told my manager of one week i murdered my chid and i use to be a druggie...wtf? No one knows this shit...no one. And now almost a complete stranger knows it...wtf was i thinking? How do i get myself in these situations? I feel so wrong, so slutty sooo stupid. We only kissed but im revolted by him and all men in general after what has happened. Im truly scared from my ex...im really fucking messed up in the head at the moment! Im not dealing with it well at all.

At least i didnt eat for over 24hrs...

Sad

As disgusting as it is...as i write this im dreaming of going into the kitchen and eating half a loaf of bread! Truly i do not have even the remotest form of an ED any more.

I wish i could be skinny, but i love eating so much. How unfortunate that i have to be one of those people who eat for comfort. I wish i was those lucky people who cant eat when they're depressed. But than im not really depressed...im just sad.

Sad that im so far from home. So far from everything i know and love - Lovelyme in a foreign country! Working, living...eating.

Sad that im fat and i dont care, sad that ive had to grow up so much over the last 3 months that i'll never have that innocence back.

Sad that before i left, i stupidly started a relationship with my ex again. Sad that we admitted we "loved" each other. Sad that its now finally and irreversible over. Sad that he couldnt be a real man and start a family with me. Sad that because of him i murdered our unborn child. Sad that he couldnt care less about it. Sad that he left me to go back to her. Sad that she is so beautiful and so skinny! Sad that he is with her now and doesn't break down in silent tears every time he sees a baby or a pregnant woman. Sad that he doesn't think about me everyday as i think of him. Sad that the only people i can tell are the on the otherside of a computer screen.

And sad that I cant forgive myself for what i've done ...and for still being hopelessly in love with him.

Long Time

Hey i know its been a long time since i posted...but im still alive!

For a while there i gave up on being thin. I just didnt care any more too much stuff was going on with work, with my ex, with family i just didnt have time to think..."how thin am i?"

But lately i quit my HATED job, and have had at least 3 weeks off and im ready to accept the discipline of being thin back into my life. And the best thing is ive not been insatiably huunngry. And its winter where i am! The most time of year to eat and im like....nah not hungry at the moment. I know its different this time because before i couldnt leave anything on my plate, specially if i brought it. I was like "i paid for this food i MUST eat it!!!" but nowits like...eat slowly! Im not hungry! leave it! Dont eat it!

Its great, and i know im not there yet but its a start. Tonight i wanted to go get a big mac with bacon and i was like i dont need it! I can live without that, and i did. I just walked home. And im hungry now and there is food i could eat in the fridge not 1ometers away but i dont want it. I want to be painfully skinny. I want to be gorgeous,i want my clothes to fall off me! I want to be that girl that everyone is like "omg i wish i could be that skinny...how do you do it?"

And hopefully one day i will be her!

I'm going to south east asia in 4 days...we'll see how i go overseas with all that cheap yummy food! Bah bet i;ll put on a millon kilos but you know what i've heard? In thailand you dont need a script for valium or!!! get this!!! DIET PILLS!!! and they;re suppose to be real diet pills that you cant get here in australia! No half ass stuff its like speed in a capsul! Im gonna go hard...loose 10kg if i can, than go to the UK and try and keep it off. Do you reckon i can do it? Maybe 10 is pushing it but at least 5....AT LEAST FIVE!!

Hope you girls are doing better than i am. Im just getting back on the train and ive missed you ana ...deeply! Done to my bones.

I want to be Thin!
I want to be gorgeous!
I want to be skin and bones!

Xx

Its been a while

So its been a while, and ive been really lazy. So much shit has gone down i cant even begin to explain. Im sorry ive been so lazy with my posts. I've become a lazy fat bitch and i can feel it. Worse news is i put on like 3 or 4 kg. I can feeeeeeel it. In my face. And see it in my dirty cellulite legs..... ItS GROSS!

Other than that i fucked my ex! Thats right ladies and gentle men i fucked my ex! The man i am obessed with, the man i am completely and utterly addicted to. I fucked him not once not twice but three times in one night (and morning)! I know i know i can hear you now i shouldnt've done it but i couldnt help it he was being completely lovable! He was sending me txt messages saying he missed me, sending me messages saying oh i hope we can meet after work if only for two seconds i just wanna see your face. (VOMIT!)

I was so fooled. I was like oh his girlfriend went back to japan, he must really like me im not second best, im not taking sloppy seconds. Wow this is all i ever wanted (CHUCK VOMIT GROSS)

Than it all went down we went on a date than again than i met up with him and fucked him....Than he didnt contact or call me for a whole week! From txting like 5 times a day to zip. nuddah...nothing! I was so fucking cut!

So i wrote him an angry email and abused him in a very mature very im the bigger person than you way! I said we shouldnt talk or see each other again. He wrote back apoligizing profusely but it was to late. Than it was my 21st and who should fucking txt me right on 12 oclock 27th of april...fucking ex bf!

I hate him but i love him. I wanna tell him i love him. I wanna tell him i cheated on him too. I wanna tell him to leave her and come back to me. I wanna tell him lets get married lets have babies!

Oh im a such physco bitch. I Still havent contacted him since i wrote that email. Im letting it stew. I probably will contact him next week though. Hmm ....

On the other hand i met my rebounds gf tonight. Yes while i was away i met another man, a kiwi. Lets call him kiwi! So kiwi and i work together. And the man has the nicest smile in the whole wide world. Seriously melt at the knees smile. Handsome man. However kiwi has the smallest dick ive ever seen. And he cant use it for shit. Very dissappointing. Any way i am slightly intoxicated as i write this because last night i went out with people from my bar job and got drunk. Kiwi turned up with his stupid girlfriend and i turned on the charm. Instead of storming away i was incredibly nice to her. She has no idea of course that him and i were an item for a couple weeks. And i think it made kiwi very nevours! HA! good i hate men. Seriously ever guy i liked leaves me for another girl or just fucking ruins me!

I cant just put it on them. Its gotta be my fault. I cant have this bad luck with men! I think i do something. Do i give it up to easily? yes! Am i a physco bitch that wants attention 24/7? yes!

Oh lord help me. I am fat i am ugly i am so fucking disturbed. Im so fat seriously its digusting. Im in my ana state of mind. Hopefully i can stay there. Im sick of eating and eating and eating and eating!

Dirty fucking food in my mouth! Somebody take away this hole in my face. I dont need it

Oh lord i think i need to throw up...oh wait i already did....

Same shit different day.

I've been really slack lately! Not only with updating my blog but also with eating and drinking.

Im not so sad anymore, but things havent changed. Maybe the boys have changed maybe the people and the places have changed but its always still the same problems, same issues, same troubles.

Same shit different day.

3 quick things

hey this is just a quick post to say three things

1. i didnt go and see the doc yesterday. i had an appoitment all booked but i cancelled. I can deal with this myself im a big girl!

2. i saw my ex last night. after wanting so bad not to see him, i saw him ....with his Ex! And get this they were waiting at the same bus stop as me, they got on the same bus as me AND they fucking got off at the same bus stop as me! WTF!?

We pretended like we didnt know each other, but secretly i was happy. I looked pretty and skinny and im sure his gf would've scoped me outat least once. I wanna give her some jealousy, something to think about but in all honestly they probs just ignored me!

The thing is i dunno if im in shock, or i just dont care. Normally i would hope this makes him wanna call me blar blar blar but i dont, not this time. I hope he doesnt call me! I still hate him with every cell in my body, but i think im finally getting over him. At least thats the story im sticking to!

AND.....

3. The biggest and best news. All i ate yesteday was

- a peice of toast
- and one nectorean

Heck yes! And i was hungry and i wanted food and i was just like 'no lovely me' and i didnt! so proud of myself!



Im still sad, i still had a lil teary on my pillow last night for about 30seconds last night and to be honest the thought of taking my life did cross my mind breifly again but im keeping these thoughts at bay. I know they're still there lurking in the shadows. I know it'll rear its ugly head again soon, but for the moment im okay. ...and i like that.

No men in my life, no new clothes, i dont like my new haircut and im getting a dirty disgusting coldsore....but for the moment im okay....and i like that.

oops i did it again

oops, i did it again. i went 5 days without stalk booking my ex. I was actually starting to feel ok and forget him...starting...and than i clicked on a mutual friend and saw his pic and he hadnt been on fb for like a month (or so i thought) but of course he had, he just hadnt made any contact with me. He'd commented somone on tuesday so i looked at him and it all came flooding back..i'm so stupid! I undid all my hard work.

The fucked up thing is i dont miss him per say, i just miss "something". I dont know what it is, i cant put my finger on it.

My hair is still falling out in handfuls. But im going to see a doc about my sadness today. I gonna feel so stupid i know! But i cried at work again the other day, and again when i was walking home yesterday for no reason. im disinterested in everything work, clothes, friends, eating, going overseas.

This isnt normal, i need help but i feel like fake like if i was really depressed id be locked up. Are there different levels of sadness?

So ana is slowly slowly returning in the way that im eating less and less everyday and that i feel guilty eating anything now. Nothing taste good anymore probably cause im sad but mostly because i feel to guilty to enjoy it.

Yesterday i had once peice of toast for breakfast than a salad for lunch and no dinner. Ill do the same again today.

Im workin in my old job at the bar tonight. I hope i do well, and dont fuck up. I know what to do but its been almost a year, im gonna be a lil rusty and like its right next to were i met my ex - his old bar he worked at.

Hope things are okay tonight....hope i can be happy and skinny!