Round & Round

He is with her in turkey. Another overseas holiday. Another tick to my pathetic book of self torture. Why i facebook stalk him? Why i facebook stalk her? I know its unhealthy. I know i have this unhealthy obsession with all of my ex boyfriends. I can recognized it but i cant change it. Its disgusting. Im disgusted in myself, in my behavior. I want to stop it. But im addicted - like a drug addict. Its so bad for me but all i can think of is my next hit. 

Its starting again. I wont let myself get to that stage again. I will be skinny. I will be beautiful. My face has started to puff. My legs have started to "tree trunk". I have the inspiration i need.

I need to slow down on my eating patterns. Im working a lot so im eating anything and everything i see. I first need to shrink my stomach. Than i can slowly reduce what i shove into my mouth. I want to be beautiful so desperately on the outside i think that its rotting the inside.... Lord help me be the best person i can. Because this half  shell of a person isnt enough anymore and im so scared the darkness is creeping back, back inside of me.

Never Ending Circle

Its a never ending circle. Im not sure when its suppose to get easier. When we find ourselves looking at our lives with happiness and satisfaction. When we stop being second and start being first. First in our jobs, in our friendships, in our relationships.

Im forever second. Second to be considered for a position, second friend to be called, second in love - Always second. Im never the girl they love, only the girl they have for seconds. How can i break this circle? How can i be their number one. His number one.

Why do i get myself into this mess. When will i be who i want to be. Skinny, beautiful, happy.

Colour and Life

It is this way. When we are most upset we have the most power to be thin. He is with her. On holiday. In mexico. He led me on for 6 months. I had to beg him to take me to the movies. He is with her for less than 2 months. He took her to a beach resort on another continent.

And so it is that im unhappy and un hungry. And i dont know which is worse? Fat and happy or skinny and desperately miserable. Can there be an in between?

Such are the colours of my life. He is not the first. And he will not be the last to shatter my heart.

Condition

Im not well. I know that. I dont have anorexia. But im not of sane mind when it comes to losing weight and how i see myself. I know this because i was looking at thinspo and i came upon this reversal.

Immediately i felt sick. Sad. Unhappy. Just looking at it makes me feel disgusting. I actually feel physically ill when i see this picture and I cannot believe that i will ever be like this! I dissected this picture in my head. The way her tummy fat rolls like a donut in the middle. The way her clothes dont fit her and pucker and pull along the waist band. The fact that she is wearing dreary, ugly gray clothes because she no longer feels sexy enough to wear fashion.

Than i saw this

And immediately I felt better. This photo makes me happy. Is that wrong? Am i sick? I dont know. I dont wish these thoughts on anyone else. Because its not a happy state of mind im in. But i want this so bad it hurts. And i wont give up. I cant give up. Xx

Thinspiration

This is Thinspiration. This is everything i desire. This is perfection!

Artistic

I really like thinspo. But i love artistic thinspo. There are a lot of beautiful pictures on this girls blog. I thought id share it with you. Xx

http://mytinybody.tumblr.com/

Legs Thinspo

My Legs are my biggest weakness so ive put these pictures up to inspire

This last picture is the pinicle of everything a woman should be.

Beauitul hair,

Beautiful skin,

Skinny legs,

small ass,

Small shoulder

tiny waist

Skinny arms

Beautiful

Perfect

Fat Foto

I went to a house party last night. They took photos. I look so fat. My arms are ssoooo fat. My face is fat. Thank god my legs were covered under a skirt so you couldnt see how fat they were or i might have cried. Im suppose to be loosing weight but its not working. I dont understand why i cant stop eating, and im tired of saying the same thing over and over without making any kind of difference.

I need to do this, im just scared people will notice and get angry at me. But im scared to actually do the ana tactics so they dont notice becasue i dont want to go in that deep... or do i?

I need to make a choice. Do i want to be skinny or do i want to stay the fat tube of lard i am?

No i want to be skinny! I want people to say "wow look how much weight she's lost!" When i go back overseas. I want my ex to think i look stunning. So he wont make any more fat jokes. No more treating me like a second rate girl he just hangs out with then there is nothing else to do. I want him to want me. Desire me. I want to be skinny... I want this so bad. Why cant i just take it!!!!!!????

Desire

Desire is to be thin,

Desire is to be skin and bone,

Desire will be happiness!

Dont eat, Don't love and it wont hurt!

Life is beautiful when seen through thin eyes.

Life is beautiful when detached from the world.

From yourself, From your loss.
From everything that has caused you pain.

Why relive it every day when you can be beautiful

You can be thin!

You can be everything you ever wanted all you need is not to eat.

And you can achieve it, you can find happiness.

Its there waiting for you to take it.

Come back ana

Come back mia

Come back lovely me

The unhappiness haunts me and im never rid of it...

Swing of It

I cant get into the swing of it. I cant stop over eating. I delude myself into thinking i havent eaten that much. But than i use to eat less than 300 cals a day. God knows how many i eat now.

Last night i through up because i ate to much, i havent lost any weight since i came back last year and im miserable when i see photos of my old self. I dont know what to do or how to fix myself.

Help me....

Lost

I've lost.

And there is nothing i can do.

I could be skin and bone,

But i cant change my face.

Maybe if i was more beautiful he wouldnt have left me.

He would have waited.

Why do i care so much?

He's always been this way

cruel.

He is with her, and nothing i do will change that

I hope he fucks it up with her like he fucked it up with me

Like he fucked it up with the girl he was with before me

Like he fucked up his life.

I barely ate today.

Im not hungry

I feel sick.

I wish for skin and bone.

I wish for happiness

I wish for him

Unhappiness

Im so completely unhappy i feel if i can make myself skinny, really skinny, than ill be happy. Ill look in the mirror and like what i see. I wont look at old photos and wish for the past. I will stop comparing myself to others happiness.

I will just be.

I will be skinny.

I will be happy.

How do i find the courage to succeed?

Have patients, work hard, dont cheat!

A New Year

A New Year
A New Beginning

A New Me

62.5 kg

XxX

Merry Fucking Christmas

Its christmas and i've ballooned to a disgusting 65kg. I dont know whats wrong with me i just cant stop eating. I ate all day today and i know its christmas so its suppose to be okay but its not really and i feel fat and disgusting. I use to get drunk and look in the mirror and think "jesus lovely me... you're really skinny" cause i couldnt see it when i was sober. Now i get drunk, look in the mirror and think "jesus lovely me.... you're really fucking fat!" Cause now i think my body weight is okay when im sober.

Its pathetic, and the worst thing is im ridiculously jealous of girls who use to be really fat, than get painfully skinny... and have no cellulite! WTF? . My fat ugly tree trunk legs and cellulite legs are a disgrace!

I have to get skinny, i have to loose weight before i go back to England. I dont want the guy i like to see me and think oh she looks the same. I want him to see me and think..... "fuuuuck she's lost weight". I want him to pick me up and swing me around and say i look amazing. I want to be 57kg. I want liposuction to reshape my bum, i want cellulite treatment. I want skinny sexy legs and a cute bum. i want tight abs and sticky outty hips, with jutting clavicles. I want cheek bones and skinny little arms. I want i want i want.... and what will i do to get it...??

Im starting my exercise again tomorrow. Jogging everyday, cutting down my intake of food (which will be so hard!) I can do this, i will do this. I will loose 7 kg!!! I have to loose 7kg. Xx

It Starts Today

It starts today, and oh how i've missed it.

Missed the bones, missed the hunger, Missed the beauty.

I will be skinny again.
xXx

End of a Year

So much has happened this year. I feel that ive grown a lot as a person. I was so young, so naive - specially when it came to men. Men seemed to be my existence for living. What does that say about myself? How i see myself? How i love myself?

I feel subtle changes. I still obsess about weight, although the way i go about is different (for now anyway). Im eating healthy and exercising everyday. I have cellulite. It wont disappear from not eating. I need to exercise. I need to move the blood around my body, drink water, cut out salt alcohol and smoking. When i run now i encourage myself. I say this is for you, this is for a more beautiful more happy you. You can do it. Instead of "you fat fucking bitch, keep running. You're the one who ate that cookie, slice of cake, pizza etc. You did this to yourself, disgusting!"How awful i was to myself. How much i hated myself? Why? Because a boy didnt like me...Please? Lovely me get a grip. Men will come and go, but you are the only thing that will stay.

I cant say that im perfect and tomorrow i might be fall a little into my black hole, but not so far. Not so deep. I can climb out now...for now.

Current weight: 63g
Goal Weight: 59kg

Lost 3 kg

<3 Ive got a big thing for skinny thighs at the moment and sharp hip bones. <3

Okay so it is the morning and its true i havent eaten anything yet. But now i weigh 62kg. Im very pleased but its not enough. I need to loose more. Today im going to go for a jog. And continue my soup diet. I put my favourite fake tan on so immediately i feel like i lost 2 kg but i gotta be smart and know as soon as my pale skin comes back ill feel fat and ugly. I know i can be strong and stick to my diet. I want to be below 60kg before i got back to my home town in aus where all my friends live. I want to impress when i get back to england. I want to be desired. I want to be ano thin. I want this so bad. I can do it.

I posted it before but this thinspiration is nothing less than amazing! http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com/

The old Me

This is the old me...look how skinny i am. My dress is falling off me. I will be like this again. I will be skinny. Look at my arms. There like little sticks. No fat on my face. I want to be like this again. Now i weigh 65kg, Thats disgusting. Im on holiday in australia at the moment for 3 weeks. By the time i go home i will be under 60kg...aiming for 57. I can do it right? Believe in yourself lovely me. And stick to your soup diet. We can be beautiful and Thin...we can do this...x

Roma and Life beyond

So i went to Roma Italy...for free! I had an amazing time. Ate lots of pasta and pizza and cheese and wine. And chocolate. It was not a good food conscious holiday. But it was amazing. I went with this man i never even really spoke to. He just up and invited me to go with him. A local in my pub who works near us. Call him Mr. Italian. He's gorgeous naturally but a bit short. Any way we spend a wonderful 6 days together. Living in each others pockets. And he goes from being his man i was completely not interested in to being madly in love with. Not Good. We get back to london and we text and talk but of course he doesnt want to live in my pocket anymore. I get insecure. Start calling him and texting him to much. Stop being chased and start chasing. I invite myself over. Half drunk. Had a mini fight, but was okay. We start fucking and i freak out and start crying about 'What happened' 5 months ago. Of course he doesnt understand. So i tell him for some stupid reason. ....FUCK! Its ruined. I ruined a perfectly good relationship....again!

What is wrong with me? Im so clingy and needy. I destroy men. I turn good men into arseholes. I know there is something wrong with me, but i only remember once its to late.

Im eating less. And ive stopped weighing myself. I made a promise to myself not to eat chocolate for the month of january and so far so good. Ive been looking at thinspo and i really want to fast. Ive been doing the only eat two meals a day. Make sure you dont starve...if you're hungry eat an apple or banana. I Eat half the portions of dinner i normally would. But i just want to skip dinner all together. I always eat breakfast but i want to be painfully skinny. Summer is coming and i want to wear little shorts and skirts. I want to show off my flat tummy and my sharp hip bones. Pencil legs. I want to be beautiful. I will be beautiful...eventually. Xx

Overwhelming

Sometimes its a bit overwhelming...and i dont know where to turn.

Lately ive been getting depressed again. And i know thats not a good thing

But secretly i am happy for that means that im going to take loosing weight seriously.

I dont know what triggers it, but i cant hide this darkness...

thats plagued me since i started this blog.

And i dont want to write about misery's of what ive done and what ive been throw, cause im not the only one. And this is only the start, im not suicidal...i have a long life ahead of me

and i want to live a skinny life. A Beautiful life

I want people to say as i turn my back

"wow she's lost so much weight hasnt she?"

I want to be that girl that doesnt eat very much and people look at her funny.

The beautiful one...

Last night i throw up. I made food, ate it, and throw it up in a rage of guilt...

all within 40minutes. This morning my stomach as flat.

I am happy for this...

Im scared my depression will get worse...and im scared i cant hide it, and im happy i will be skinny, beautiful, thin...and people will want me

i will want me

This is a fantastic thinsipiration site...take a look

http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com/