He is with her in turkey. Another overseas holiday. Another tick to my pathetic book of self torture. Why i facebook stalk him? Why i facebook stalk her? I know its unhealthy. I know i have this unhealthy obsession with all of my ex boyfriends. I can recognized it but i cant change it. Its disgusting. Im disgusted in myself, in my behavior. I want to stop it. But im addicted - like a drug addict. Its so bad for me but all i can think of is my next hit.
Its starting again. I wont let myself get to that stage again. I will be skinny. I will be beautiful. My face has started to puff. My legs have started to "tree trunk". I have the inspiration i need.
I need to slow down on my eating patterns. Im working a lot so im eating anything and everything i see. I first need to shrink my stomach. Than i can slowly reduce what i shove into my mouth. I want to be beautiful so desperately on the outside i think that its rotting the inside.... Lord help me be the best person i can. Because this half shell of a person isnt enough anymore and im so scared the darkness is creeping back, back inside of me.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Its a never ending circle. Im not sure when its suppose to get easier. When we find ourselves looking at our lives with happiness and satisfaction. When we stop being second and start being first. First in our jobs, in our friendships, in our relationships.
Im forever second. Second to be considered for a position, second friend to be called, second in love - Always second. Im never the girl they love, only the girl they have for seconds. How can i break this circle? How can i be their number one. His number one.
Why do i get myself into this mess. When will i be who i want to be. Skinny, beautiful, happy.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
It is this way. When we are most upset we have the most power to be thin. He is with her. On holiday. In mexico. He led me on for 6 months. I had to beg him to take me to the movies. He is with her for less than 2 months. He took her to a beach resort on another continent.
And so it is that im unhappy and un hungry. And i dont know which is worse? Fat and happy or skinny and desperately miserable. Can there be an in between?
Such are the colours of my life. He is not the first. And he will not be the last to shatter my heart.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Im not well. I know that. I dont have anorexia. But im not of sane mind when it comes to losing weight and how i see myself. I know this because i was looking at thinspo and i came upon this reversal.
Immediately i felt sick. Sad. Unhappy. Just looking at it makes me feel disgusting. I actually feel physically ill when i see this picture and I cannot believe that i will ever be like this! I dissected this picture in my head. The way her tummy fat rolls like a donut in the middle. The way her clothes dont fit her and pucker and pull along the waist band. The fact that she is wearing dreary, ugly gray clothes because she no longer feels sexy enough to wear fashion.
Than i saw this
Than i saw this
And immediately I felt better. This photo makes me happy. Is that wrong? Am i sick? I dont know. I dont wish these thoughts on anyone else. Because its not a happy state of mind im in. But i want this so bad it hurts. And i wont give up. I cant give up. Xx