Friday, June 22, 2012

Round & Round

He is with her in turkey. Another overseas holiday. Another tick to my pathetic book of self torture. Why i facebook stalk him? Why i facebook stalk her? I know its unhealthy. I know i have this unhealthy obsession with all of my ex boyfriends. I can recognized it but i cant change it. Its disgusting. Im disgusted in myself, in my behavior. I want to stop it. But im addicted - like a drug addict. Its so bad for me but all i can think of is my next hit. 

Its starting again. I wont let myself get to that stage again. I will be skinny. I will be beautiful. My face has started to puff. My legs have started to "tree trunk". I have the inspiration i need.

I need to slow down on my eating patterns. Im working a lot so im eating anything and everything i see. I first need to shrink my stomach. Than i can slowly reduce what i shove into my mouth. I want to be beautiful so desperately on the outside i think that its rotting the inside.... Lord help me be the best person i can. Because this half  shell of a person isnt enough anymore and im so scared the darkness is creeping back, back inside of me.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Never Ending Circle

Its a never ending circle. Im not sure when its suppose to get easier. When we find ourselves looking at our lives with happiness and satisfaction. When we stop being second and start being first. First in our jobs, in our friendships, in our relationships.

Im forever second. Second to be considered for a position, second friend to be called, second in love - Always second. Im never the girl they love, only the girl they have for seconds. How can i break this circle? How can i be their number one. His number one.

Why do i get myself into this mess. When will i be who i want to be. Skinny, beautiful, happy.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Colour and Life

It is this way. When we are most upset we have the most power to be thin. He is with her. On holiday. In mexico. He led me on for 6 months. I had to beg him to take me to the movies. He is with her for less than 2 months. He took her to a beach resort on another continent.

And so it is that im unhappy and un hungry. And i dont know which is worse? Fat and happy or skinny and desperately miserable. Can there be an in between?

Such are the colours of my life. He is not the first. And he will not be the last to shatter my heart.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


Im not well. I know that. I dont have anorexia. But im not of sane mind when it comes to losing weight and how i see myself. I know this because i was looking at thinspo and i came upon this reversal.

Immediately i felt sick. Sad. Unhappy. Just looking at it makes me feel disgusting. I actually feel physically ill when i see this picture and I cannot believe that i will ever be like this! I dissected this picture in my head. The way her tummy fat rolls like a donut in the middle. The way her clothes dont fit her and pucker and pull along the waist band. The fact that she is wearing dreary, ugly gray clothes because she no longer feels sexy enough to wear fashion.

Than i saw this

And immediately I felt better. This photo makes me happy. Is that wrong? Am i sick? I dont know. I dont wish these thoughts on anyone else. Because its not a happy state of mind im in. But i want this so bad it hurts. And i wont give up. I cant give up. Xx


This is Thinspiration. This is everything i desire. This is perfection!


I really like thinspo. But i love artistic thinspo. There are a lot of beautiful pictures on this girls blog. I thought id share it with you. Xx

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Legs Thinspo

My Legs are my biggest weakness so ive put these pictures up to inspire

This last picture is the pinicle of everything a woman should be.
Beauitul hair,
Beautiful skin,
Skinny legs,
small ass,
Small shoulder
tiny waist
Skinny arms