So today wasnt so bad.
I havent been able to stick to my diet becasue ive been so broke since i got back i dont even have enough money to buy muesli and apples and banana's lol. Its pretty depressing but on the other hand its good becuase ive not been eating as much casue literally cant afford it. Today i had a peice of toast with avocardo on it, and a cup or tea, one cup of coffee and one biscuit (i know horrible!!!! dumb cookie jar at work!). That was gonna be it but my flatmate rung me up and was like "i feel like viet noodle soup!" And its been raining and miserable here and it was the best weather to eat soup and she's like" ill shout you"
So i ate the friggen soup but all in all its less than i was eating last week. And its rice noodles so its not so bad right? right? right?....okay i know im a failure. I'll try harder tomorrow! Breakfast will be cereal with banana and blue berries. Lunch apple and banana. Dinner hopefully nothing! If im strong enough!
Just a quick update nothing really exciting to say....except my ex commented me on facebook! I couldnt believe it. My heart skipped a beat when i read his message. I wrote "i really wanna see avatar" as my status update (secretly hoping he would see it. We'd organised to watch it together last week but couldnt cause it was sold out and i said id call him to organise another night but i didnt cause i thought i shouldnt chase him) And he commented back "we should use the free tickets!"
I know i shouldnt read to much into it cause he just wants to see this movie alot and i do have free tickets and he knows that. So he could be using me but ....im so stupid i dont care. Im going to reply tomorrow that we should see it next week.
God im so weak! And yet im insanely happy he wants to see it with me. And in my fucked up stalker head i knew this was his day off so i couldnt stop thinking he was out courting that girl who's in all his pictures. My overly active imagintation does my head in seriously! My stalker ways actually scare me sometimes. But him writting on my status update means his not out and he probably just spent his day off at home resting...unless....maybe...she and him....NO! I WILL NOT BE SUCH A PSYCHO!!
But In my stupid insecure mind i cant stop these thoughts and to me this represents another chance to make him want me again. Another chance to wear fashionable clothes, have great hair and pretty makeup. (as long as it doesnt storm!) LOOK SKINNY and be interesting and make him fall for me again.
Make him want me.
Oh girls im so so bad at ana and im so so bad at self respect... seriously i havent lost any weight and i havent moved on from my ex at all!
But i cant complain cause i know deep down if i wanted to deny myself that cookie i could. If i didnt want to eat noodle soup i didnt have to. If i never wanted to hear from or see my ex again...all i need to do is delete him from my life.
I have the power its within my grasp...but i just wont seize it. I make excuses, find other reasons, procrastinate. And the life i want to lead lingers just behind the line i refuse to cross. Hidden in the shadows i so fondly and self destructively chase.
I am weak
I am a failure
I am nothing
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Okay so the update is the crash diet isnt working a 100% mainly because im to weak to stick to it.
But i have been halving my food and today my mum made dips with biscuits cheese olives carrot sticks and stuff and i started chowing into it forgetting my voe. I felt so guilty i went and throw most of it back up.
My father took us out for thai tonight as well. I had one small bowl and no wine or desert.
Proud of myself for implementing the 50% less rule.
I haven't started jogging yet ive been heaps lazy cause im on holidays here and i didnt bring and jogging clothes. I fly back to my city tomorrow night so ill start the next day.
Im going on a diet. Its decided. I cant just not eat because i binge.
Next 4 days
Breakfast - muesli with fresh fruit & milk
Lunch - Apple & Banana
Snack - Diet coke
Dinner - 99% fat free soup (NO bread)
Jog everyday - 30mins
I did this about about 3 or 4 months ago for a week and lost like 2kg. I need to have a good breakfast so i don't get hungry till late in the day. I'm so not a real ana.... disgraceful!
On another note my i fucking hate facebook. All it does is upset you...seriously! My ex is tagged in so many photos with skinny cute girls. This one girl in particular keeps popping up in them and they're always really close in them. A normal person wouldn't notice it but because im a psycho who's still in-like with him i notice it. I wouldn't be surprised if she's the reason he stopped liking me. Fucking bitch... guess this is what it feels like not to be the other girl. To be the girlfriend who's bf was stolen away.
Im always the other girl, stealing men from their girlfriends. I never thought about it till now. It hurts. ....But if they dont respect they're relationship why should i? You know its not like i hold men down and make them kiss me and etc. They willingly do it.
But fuck him, the moment she started appearing in photos was the moment our relationship started to die. Its been like almost two months and i still cant get over him. Is it my addictive fucked up clingy scared to be alone personality...or did i just actually fall for him?
The other week i called him because i was missing him so much. He was so nice to me on the phone and offered to hang out. I couldnt believe it i was deliriously happy. When the day came everything went wrong. First it stormed and all the power went off so i couldnt do my hair or makeup for like 2hrs. Than he didnt get my txt saying i would be late. Than when i arrived he pretty much ignored me for 2mins when i came through the door as he played a stupid game on his iphone. Thats a really long time to ignore a person when they walk into your home and stand infront of you. And the storm had made my makeup run and my hair frizzy and curly.
When we started talking (which he loathes!) he basically said he didnt like me anymore. Something had changed and he didnt know what. I was so upset i started crying silently and he held me and we fell asleep. We woke up in the middle of the night and had sex. Only it wasnt like the way we use to have sex. This was just fucking. This was just pleasure for him- plain and simple. He didnt hold me after like he use to. I dont feel used cause i intiated it but it just reinforced the fact that its over for him.
Why cant it be over for me to? He even said it himself "Why do you like me i never txt or call you" And i was like "i dont know". Like I text him merry Christmas the other day and he didn't reply. He is so cold to me and i bet he wants me to stop talking to him but i cant. I have no self respect for myself i chase shadows all the time. I chase the past that is never coming back. I never let go until there is nothing left holding on to. Until i burn all the bridges.
I really want to call him when i get home. REALLY REALLY REALLY... i don't know if he'll answer he did last time but... can i do this to myself again?
Sorry for the rant on my ex. I left my journal at home and i haven't had a medium to get down any thoughts for a few days.
...i guess ill go now
ps thank you to the girls that replied to my post. It means a lot to me to know someone else is starting again too or that your there thinking of me if only for two seconds.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Okay guys, ive been gone for a little while but im back now!
Ive got the right mentality to make this shit work.
Ive got the "hunger" to be thin.
And its starting today- not new years not tomorrow not in an hours time...
Im gonna start eating 50% less and jogging every second day.
Whats on my plate, im going to halve.
I dont care how hungry i am, i dont care who sees and gives me that disapproving eye.
I don't wanna say if i was skinny he wouldn't have left me, cause i know there was more to it than that... but i still think it. I see skinny girls and im like if i was that petite, if my hair and make up were that good he would definitely have thought twice!
Okay so any way i want to be 54kg...but my first goal is 57kg.
I'm at 60kg now resting weight. (however i have been eating lately like a fucking Ethiopian
family at a free banquet on Christmas) so that might actually be a bit higher this very moment.
Its NYE in 5 days, if i crush diet i reckon i can loose a bit of weight between now and than. How
many kilos you reckon without my mum getting worried? Im staying with my folks for 4 days so ill have to borrow her shoes and start jogging down here. Hmmm 2 kg? 3 kg? I love intense short term goals...i might even fast today. Yeah that sounds like a great idea to start off my weight loss. Just hope dad doesnt say....LETS ALL GO OUT FOR LUNCH~ In that case ill impliment my 50% less rule and ill go for the lest fatty lest sugary option.
Now to my fellow readers if your even out there...some ana tricks please? I know most of you have insane will power and just say no when your starving but im not there yet. What trick do u have? Do you drink diet coke? Chew gum? How do you get people off your back and make it look like you ate more food?
I really want to do this...i was looking at old photos of me and i use to be SOOOOO skinny in high school like crazy skinny. I was wearing size 8 shorts...thats size 2 for my american followers. Thats pretty good for a girl who's like 5'8''. And than i was skinny for a year out of school than it all went to shit.
So if nothing for nye all want is my upper thighs to get skinnier. They're doing the drumstick thing. Its gross and my arse tightens all my clothes! NO love handles either!
Girls i will get skinny....Believe me i can do this. I will be 57kg by NYE!
Some photos of want to look like -