Hotdog Trigger

It’s so hard to get back into that mind frame. I’m snacking all the time and eating so much bullshit it’s not even funny. Today and yesterday I had a hotdog...wtf? Am I even serious about losing the weight? Seriously am I? I don’t even fucking know anymore. More than anything I want to be skinny but I just eat soooo much all the time! And today I can’t believe myself. I wasn’t even hungry but my mega trigger food is sausages especially hotdogs! I LOVE hotdogs although I don’t eat red meat I do eat chicken so my father cooked chicken hotdogs and I said I wasn’t hungry but he knows I love them so he cooked me one anyway. So he comes in with it and I couldn’t help myself. I just lost myself in it, totally devoured it! Than half way through I felt really guilty and I should have stopped! But I didn’t, I went and took a big drink of water and kept eating thinking 'I'll just have a shower and throw it up!’ Well of course as always when I got in the shower and tried to throw up nothing would come up! I was sooooo pissed off, I felt like such a failure I couldn’t believe I had a chance to stop eating the pure fat and I didn’t! I started actually crying in the shower because I couldn’t get the disgusting dirty food out of my tummy! In the end I decided I wouldn’t eat again today but of course I did. I snacked on this that and the other. However I am proud my mother cooked an awesome spaghetti tonight and I was so tempted to eat it! But I didn’t! I only ended up eating some of the sauce. But I saved myself from all those empty carbs! Man I’m so glad I didn’t eat it!!!! And I’ve learnt a lesson from this – I will never again eat something thinking I’ll just go thru it up because I know I might not be able to!

I’ve got a plan now; I’m down to desperate measures to lose weight. I’m going to do the cabbage soup diet. I’m going to start on Monday, I even told my mother that I want to do it and she's going to help me. So I’ll let you all know how it goes...I should lose at least 2kg in a week. I’m going to try and exercise at least 30mins a day as well, if only to go for a walk.

On the social side of life tomorrow I have an old friend from primary school and her friend coming over to stay Friday and Saturday night. I don’t have much to do with her anymore, but when I bump into her I’m polite and we hug and make small talk. I know she's using me for my house because she wants to stay down here in the big smoke for free. And I don’t mind I mean, she was once a good friend no? And it’s not like I’m going to be doing anything tomorrow and Saturday. She's invited me out on Friday night and I would never let anyone know but I went out and brought a sexy new black dress just so I’d have something stylish to wear. She's a fashion whore; she wears the fashion I only dream I could work. Only thing is she's about as skinny as me, maybe a kg or two skinner at most. So, I know this is really bad, but I’m not completely threatened by her. I know that’s so weird but it (gosh I can’t believe I’m opening up my heart on here) but myself worth is sooo low I constantly compare myself to skinnier prettier more fashionable girls. And if I’m not wearing the most up to date clothes, or my makeup isn’t perfect or I feel F-A-T, I just can’t stand to be around anyone or do anything. That’s pretty bad hey? They say anorexics feel they'll only be happy when they're thin, and they're never thin enough. That is me down to a T. I guess I just don’t have the self control to put it into practice. But any way I’m rambling, she's coming down and I feel awkward already. It could be fun, it should be fun, I hope its fun! Oh please let it be fun! It’s weird though she invited me out Friday night but not Saturday night and she'll be staying over Saturday night with her friend. I don’t expect them to invite me just because they're staying at my house but it’s going to be awkward when they're getting ready to go out and I’m just wondering about the house aimlessly and stuff. Err I am dreading that part. How friggen awkward!!!!

Other than that S still hasn’t contacted so who knows at this point. I’m so lost with it all, I’m just going to text him tomorrow and be like 'yo what the fuck is wrong with you dude? Act all keen and when I don’t have sleep with you, you just snob me?' but probably in different way lol. Any way I’m so depressed about my weight I can’t be bothered trying to jazz up my writing or even write anything else. Errrr....why me?

Breakfast: 2 ½ x weatbix, ½ x banana, milk and honey
Lunch: 1x hotdog, 2x hot chips (tried to thru this up but didn’t really work)
Snacks: Fucking everything under the sun!!! Million x crackers with hummus, banana, spoonfuls of spaghetti sauce, bread bread bread, chocolate, roasted chicken drumstick.... countless other things I randomly laid my greedy little fat fingers on!
Drinks: tea, water, milk

Weight: I didn’t get to weigh myself tonight but at about 4pm I was 62.7kg

Title Change

Hey I've decided to change the title of my blog. I noticed that someone else had Starving for Perfection, and I haven't seen anyone with Ana, Mia and Me. And it just means more to me because although its not original, I did make it up out of my head and I didnt with my previous title. Plus it has more significane to me because although im not hardcore about it yet - ana and mia will be my best and worst friends... x

Hard to Handle

I love this photo, its such a contrast.

It looks like the same girl in two different extremes.

Its an inspiration for me!

I'm really trying to get back to my old ways, but it’s very difficult and the hunger is so hard to handle! I'm eating like a horse, 3 meals a day or something like that, that’s disgusting! It’s like when I see the food I lose myself in it, and I just have to eat it all. And then afterwards about 5mins later I feel really full and sick. Like the food inside me is poison and it’s infecting my body with dirty fat! I feel like my stomach is saying "damn girl did you see how much you just ate? This shit is coming back up!" and I swear to god I subconsciously give myself reflux. It sucks balls!

Today I went shopping with my parents for my birthday. I brought some jeans that I like but they're totally my fat jeans. The jeans I will wear now that I can’t fit into my 5 other pairs (that are like size 8s and 9s) because I can’t fucking stop eating! Damn I feel so fat! My fake tan is wearing off so I’m seeing big blobby pale bits about me especially when I wear jeans and a midriff top! Err...That boy (I’ll call him S cause his name starts with s) still hasn’t text me or facebooked me or anything! I know I’m obsessing I always do but like he was soooo keen. He would text me and contact me soo much, everyday! And now nothing, all done and gone! I’m so disappointed! I swear I’m cursed when it comes to men. I’m so glad I didn’t sleep with him though! They always seem so nice and so keen and interested and then something happens and BAM they just up and leave me standing there asking what happened? It has to be me, it keeps happening. I know I use to be clingy and what not but I’m NOT like that anymore. I know I’m not, but it’s fucking with my head. It’s sending me back into my dark place. I fucking hate games of the heart...

Breakfast: 2x weatbix, 3x strawberry, honey and milkLunch: Fucking hell fatty teriyaki salmon and riceAfternoon tea: Chicken salad sandwichDrinks: coke, milk, water, teaSnacks: banana, 2 x crackers

WHAT A FAT BITCH I AM!
Tomorrow I’m going to be really good and only eat breakfast and something small for afternoon tea. I want to lose this 3kg again. I know I can! And then once there is only a very small amount of food going into my body every day, my body will start to burn the fat for energy right? Right? I’ve got roughly 2 or so weeks till I move back to my hometown. I WILL be under 60 by that time!

Weight pm: 63.7...how embarrassing!

Binge Weekend

Well I failed hard core over the weekend just passed. It was a great weekend but being away from all my thinspiration and the blogs I constantly read I completely lost my self control and binged! Plus I was really hung over most of the time and so I was eating like a horse. I’m too scared to weigh myself and way to embarrassed to write down what I ate. Even today, I’ve lost my control and I’m eating heaps. So subsequently I’ve been throwing up heaps! I threw up last night’s dinner and tonights. I’m not sure if it all came up though so I’m worried. Also it’s my birthday today! And I ate massive amounts of birthday cake err what a fucking fatty! I know as soon as my fake tan scrubs off I’ll be depressed as all hell, because I’ll look heaps fat. But I did do really well when I said I’d fast for the rest of Thursday! I didn’t eat till night time and then not much!But I’m kind of disappointed. I met that guy on Thursday and I got my hair coloured and it looked great! So I was full keen to meet up with him and when I did it was good...I guess. it was just so weird with him, I think he thought I was weird because he kept trying to feed me and offer me things but I was being good and I was like no no, no thank you really it’s okay I’m not hungry and he kept offering so in the end I just gave up and ate something to make him happy. But I was so awkward and shy around him, I’m not really a funny person. I’m more the person who laughs easily at other people’s jokes and so I think I really bored him, like our personalities just didn’t mix. I mean I think he's great, he didn’t try anything on me I didn’t want him to, I think he's funny and there is something about him I find soooooooooooo attractive but...I dunno something is missing and I think he realises it to, and all of a sudden from constantly texting me and talking to me on msn he's suddenly not responding or texting me at all. He didn’t even wish me happy birthday! I guess he doesn’t like me, and I shouldn’t be that upset right it’s not like I knew him for long. I guess I’m just really disappointed because it’s another failed relationship and I think it’s my fault again. I’m just having nothing to offer except a pretty face and a chubby body. I often feel like I have absolutely no personality. I always fail at relationships and its making me really sad. I haven’t been with anyone emotionally for a year now. I mean sure I’ve slept with heaps of guys but it doesn’t mean anything and it just made me feel used and dirty. I want someone to be with me, someone to look after me, to hold me and just well love me (even though lately I don’t really believe I can be loved). I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like I can’t do anything right in building a relationship. Err it’s so depressing! But other than that, I had heaps of fun with my friends and I went clubbing and I met another guy. A personal trainer and dude he had a hot six pack nice smile and he brought my friend and I a bajillion drinks. we made out all night (mainly cause I wanted to prove to myself I didn’t care about the other guy which I so do) and I thought he was just drunk but the next day he texted me and said we should hang out so...I dunno? AND THAN...my ex called me! Today on my birthday my ex called me. The one who completely and utterly fucked up my life. The one i haven’t spoken to in just over a year. The one who pretty much introduced and funded my drug habit, the one with the child and long term (now) girlfriend...WTF is all I can say! He called me twice to in one day and what I’m most scared about is I felt the easiest and the calmest talking to him than I have with any man since we broke up! It’s just not right I’m so scared; I don’t know what to do about it.

But I can see my old problems rising again. I am completely and utter consumed by the way men interact within my life. I lose myself in a guy...in a friggen month! It scares me to death that I latch onto someone that fast, and it scares me even more that 4 days away from my house and I pigged out hard core and put on all the weight I lost. You should see my fucking stomach it’s bloated and monstrous! I’m so ashamed. I’m gonna go straight back to my dieting ways, I just have to keep up with the inspiration to be thin and beautiful. Have to get that mind frame back that food is disgusting and unnecessary! I don’t know what to do about my man issues. I honestly bring them on myself but it’s just made me sooo depressed because its dragged up something I was trying to leave hidden in the shadows – my lack of emotional control and absolute and utter lack of any personality what so ever. I feel like a blank on the inside. Like nothing is inside me, I’m like a diseased apple - pretty on the outside but rotten on the inside. Like a Bright and colourful piece of paper but turn it over and all you find is a very forgettable dull white. Hollow, bland, boring, nothing...that’s me! I wish I could be funny, make jokes, have witty comebacks, and do something other than just laugh. But that’s all I do. When I meet a new person I hope to god they’re a talker because I have nothing to talk about myself. People ask what’s exciting about you and there is nothing to say! What do you talk about when you are so hollow on the inside? One time at uni we had to introduce ourselves to the person next to us and then present to the class what we learnt about them. I let the girl talk so much and barely said anything about me that when it came time for her to talk about me she realised she had nothing. There is nothing special about me, sure I have a pretty face (sometimes when I cake myself in fake tan and makeup) but who am I really? I don’t know...and I haven’t for 20 years...

Bad Dream

Hey this is just a quick post to say im totally going to try and not eat anything besides breakfast today! I know i wont be able to do it, positive mind but...thats what they say right? Plus im flying up to my home town today so i should be able to keep my mind off food!

And i also wanted to record this fucking crazy arse dream i had! Dont worry i wont make it long and involved, it was just a quick dream anyway but what do you reckon it means? It scared the fuck out of me while i was dreaming it and after i woke up.

So anyway im in a bathroom with these girls that i just met a couple weeks ago for one day, and they're like let us do your makeup? And i was like okay but not too much, i really want to look natural today. Anyway they put all this foundation on me. Its totally the wrong colour when i look in the mirror and on my forhead there is a big orange smudge in the shape of a cross which reachs a little down my nose. so i start to rub it and it starts turning black and now there is this massive black cross smudged on my forhead! Suddenly its like looking into a screen and the background of the cross turns blood orange and black bats start flying out of the black cross ON MY FRIGEN FORHEAD. Needless to say im completely freaked out and the girl behind me starts screaming and i full into the bathtub behind me. The girl starts calling my name and i want to answer her and i feel normal but something is inside me is pulling my soul about, and all i can answer back is this demonic crazy growl and she freaks out and runs out and inside of my body i conciously say to myself 'god protect me, god look after me, god keep all the evil away from me and anything scary, god save me!' and i wake up in my bed!

If thats not the scariest fucking dream in the world i dunno what is! And thats not the first dream ive had like that, its just the first one in a long time...errr i hate this shit!

Getting better...or getting worse?

Well tonight I ran out of luck. I had to have dinner with my parents, it was a sit down dinner as well, at the table with my mum and dad, but thankfully my parents aren’t clued on to me at all, I mean I’ve not even noticeably lost any weight yet anyway so they've got no idea. It was steamed carrots, bok choy and mushrooms with fried rice and chicken. Unfortunately I couldn’t go have a shower and throw up my dinner afterwards because id just put fake tan all over me and it'd all wash off if I went into the shower that soon, so I had to keep it all down. I felt like such a fat failure eating it! I would have been completely happy to not eat anything till tomorrow but I bet my mother would have been all like suspicious. It’s weird though because I wasn’t hungry at all, and looking at the meal I didn’t see food, all I saw was calories and filthy fatting food! And it scared me; I’ve never really looked at normal food before and felt that. I mean sure I’ve looked at cookies and ice cream and chippies and totally agonised over whether or not to eat it, but never vegies and stuff. It was weird and I don’t know if it’s better or worse this way? I know it means I’m slowly changing my view on food from something pleasurable to something disgusting and wrong. And is that really good? At the moment I’m going to go with yes because I want to get thinner and these are the kind of thoughts that are going to get me there.

Besides that, because I have put my fake tan on and because I have lost 2kg I’m really happy at the moment annnd the best news is I got the job I really really wanted up in my home town. This means I’m moving back there! I’m so excited because it’s where all my friends are and I’ll be able to live by myself again, and its where that guy is! It’s going to be hard I will miss my parents but I’m so keen to live out of home again. I swear I feel thirteen yr old girl again living back here! And I guess I’ll be able to throw up and what not without them knowing but...I know I’m going to be tempted to eat bad food more when I’m out of home because I won’t be able to pay for fresh fruit and salad all the time. Err it’s like a trade off but I hope I’ve learnt enough self restraint to be able to do it. Also when I move back there I'll be able to try and fast for a day. I really want to see if I can do it, and how hungry I'll be the next day. Hmm I saw some thinspo the other day of a before and after shot and I swear before the girl was mega mega fat like size 12 or something gross and than a month and a half later it had a shot of her and I swear she was like heaps heaps skinnier...not skinny enough but if she can do that than I totally can! Any way I’m getting my hair coloured tomorrow and seeing that guy and staying at his house. I REALLY hope this long weekend goes well for me being back home!

Breakfast - small bowl of muesli, 1x strawberry, milk

Lunch - salad with olives, feta, capsicum, avocado, mushroom, corn, tuna, baked potato, light sour cream, light dressing

Dinner - steamed carrots, steamed bok choy, lightly cooked mushroom, half a piece of very small chicken breast, a few mouthfuls of rice

Drinks - tea, water, milk
Snacks - half a piece peanut butter bread, 1 x cracker, 1x apple

weight pm : 61.9 (eeer thats totally because i didnt get to throw up!)

Here's some thinspo i completely just stole from perfect thinspo...i just love it though!

It's back baby!

Its back baby and I couldn't have picked a better night for it! So today I had the munchies I don’t know what it was perhaps it was because I didn’t go out or do anything, maybe it was because I was just hungry but I woke up and had my normal breakfast than I was sooo tempted to keep eating but I tried my hardest not to because I knew that my father was taking the family out for dinner tonight, to wait for it...Indian!! I know right how fatty? And I was snacking of course like I always do. Cracker here, apple there but I didn’t have another meal because I knew I’d chow down on that crap tonight like that fat bitch I am and I did. However blessing in disguise well not really because it was a major upset but my bro and my dad kicked up a big fuss and had this massive fight with each other and my mum gets up and walks out of the restaurant. I sit there a while longer but in the end I’m so embarrassed by my family I get up and leave as well. When I get home I feel mega mega guilty I had two massive portions of mango chicken curry with rice and nann bread! Sooo I say I’m going to have a shower and wallaping wallabang I got my groove back! I throw up hard styles and everything came up, the nann bread the curry and the rice and the red wine! I was so happy it all came up! And now I’m not even hungry...heck yeah only I’m a little scared to weigh myself. Even though it all came up I still feel like a fat heifer.

Besides all this I fly back to my home town on Thursday mid day, I’m a bit nervous! I’m getting my hair done and than I’m meeting that guy and staying at his house that night! I really don’t want to do anything stupid like sleep with him! I know the past me would totally do that and probably end up silently crying myself to sleep in a strangers bed, but I’m not the old me! I’m the new me soon to be skinny me and I won’t do anything stupid...I hope! Any way I could keep writing a novel here but I won’t. No one wants to hear my insecurities and problems right? Just as I don’t want to hear theirs...

Breakfast - muesli, 3x strawberries, milk

snacks - 2x cracker, 1x apple, 1x banana, 1x handful grapes, 1x peanut butter on bread

dinner - mango chicken curry and rice*

drinks - tea, milk, water, red wine*

* Throw that shit up!!!!

weight pm - 61.5

Research

I've been doing some research lately about e.d's and I think I’m in denial. I’ve never really thought I had an eating disorder not even when I was in high school and I lost like 7kg from not eating and throwing my dinner up every night in the shower. Damn I wish I had that discipline again! It feels like it happened over night but I know it didn’t! It happened over about 2 or 3 months. And I had a really big goal as well, the formal. And I’d just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 yrs so I was all fat and gross from not caring! Err I hate it when people get like that. I will never ever allow myself to get like that ever again even if I get another boyfriend of 3 years that’s disgusting! Well I’m older now and I weigh 61.5 when I weighed myself! I’m quite happy with my progress (a loss of 2kg) at least I know something is working! I’m exercising but probably not enough and I am eating which makes me think I’m not ana or mia! I mean it’s not like I throw up everything I eat! I only throw up when I feel really guilty about what I’ve eaten, which is normally if I have dinner. I’ve been really lucky lately though, and my parents haven’t been focusing on me and I haven’t eaten dinner in about 3 or 4 nights - I’m so pleased with myself although last night I was incredibly hungry!

So back to the research I think there is something wrong with me, I don’t know what it is or when it started but I look in the mirror and I’m FAT. I really don’t like a lot of the things about my body and I look to the mirror a lot to get my confidence. If what’s staring back at me isn’t perfect I’m miserable for the whole day! Sometimes it’s so bad I won’t even go out clubbing and make excuses not to see my friends or do things! One of my biggest draw backs is I compare myself to other girls and it upsets me no end when I see fashionable skinny girls that I want to be like or fat girls who don’t have any fucking cellulite!?! WTF?!?! It’s like your disgusting filthy fat bitch, look at you chow down on that burger don’t you see its making you dirty from the inside out? But where the heck is your damn cellulite? Why do I have cellulite? It’s fucking unfair! I think my bad cellulite might have something to do with the fact that my weight over the last 3 years or so has gone up and down. I know in the start of 2007 I was heaps fat than I started throwing up all my meals and not eating and I lost 7kg than after I graduated high school I became addicted to amphetamines and I lost a further 5 kg, I was sooo skinny! I loved it; I was 49kgs and 5ft 8. OMG it was beautiful I use to sway my body slightly to the side and my ribs would stick out to the max...I can’t explain the absolute and total satisfaction of putting on jeans that were really tight and now hang off you like a giant sack. The way other girls look at you and are envious! The way you feel when they say 'omg you're so skinny!' The weird thing was I never really felt that skinny when I was 49kg. Gosh how stupid I was! I’d give anything to be that weight now! I’m like 12kg heavier than that now! Pfft but then I gave up my drug use and slowly gained weight. Let me tell you something anyone who reads this don’t ever turn to amphetamines to loose weight because once you quit (and it’s VERY difficult) you eat more and weigh more than you've ever weighed in your life! It’s because you forgot how to eat, your body is so fucked up its just like FOOD FOOD FOOD, and you eat until you feel like you’re going to burst. I was fucking stupid though and thought oh ill never gain the weight back I’m fine! So I ate whatever I wanted and fucking hell I went up to 65kg I reckon or maybe even more! Thinking about that makes me sick! Physically sick! What a fat cow I was - still am! But I’m seriously doing something about it now! And I’m loosing the pounds if only very very slowly! There is a boy on the scene now as well, and I can't imagine him touching my fatty cellulite areas omg it makes me shiver to imagine him with me. Oh gosh I need to loose so much weight. There is nothing more confidence boosting than lying in bed and having your hip bones reaching out for the sky or having your man wrap his arms around you and make you feel so small and protected. I want those cheek bones back...I’m gonna get them, I am! But I’m just a little scared of you ana - I’m scared if I truly embrace you, I’ll never come back...

Breakfast - muesli 3x strawberries, milk
Afternoon tea - chicken curry with rice
Snacks - 1x apple, 1x cracker
drinks - water, milk, tea

Weight am - 61.5
pm - 62.0

Thanks to...

I'd just like to make a quick mention of thanks to Perfect Thinspiration.

Check it out, its a beautiful site and its where i get most of my thinspo...

http://everythingforthinspo.blogspot.com/

Fake it

Well I think I've been doing pretty well, although I don’t like to give myself praise cause then I’m like 'oh I’ve done well I can eat that bit of chocolate or that pasta' when actually NO I can’t!!! But since coming down to live with my folks I haven’t put on any weight and I think at least that’s a positive sign. I’m a bit cranky though because lately it’s like I’ve forgotten my technique and now I can’t throw up my dinner. It’s REALLY pissing me off! I don’t know what I’m doing wrong - whether I’m not drinking enough water during each mouthful of food or if my fingers just aren’t hitting the right place but its making me sad because I think about all that fatty food in my tummy being transferred down to my butt, thighs and knees. I dunno about you guys, but my knees are disgusting! They're so fat and cellutlitey and to make matters worse I just scrubbed off all my fake tan the other day and now I’m ghostly white! I can’t believe I am so pale. It looks like I’ve never seen the sun in my life but its like hello? I’m not albino! But yeah anyway I scrubbed it all off because I’m going back up to my home town to be with my friends for my birthday and I want to put on the fake tan with even skin tone underneath, no dirty crap around my knees or elbows!

Decides all this today I did wellish. Breakfast - toasted muesli with fresh fruit, natural yoghurt and honey
Afternoon tea - chicken (with skin) salad sandwich
Snacks - apple and banana
Drink - lots of water

So that’s fairly good right? Plus I went for a jog this afternoon. If only I could eat healthy like this every day! Although the muesli did have a lot of sugar in it, it kept me full for ages! Arr anyway here is some leg thinspo because I’m obsessed with knees!

See how the tops of her knee's dont have any cellulite? Grr i wish mine looked like that!

Sooooo beautiful skinny but still shapely...bitch!

Weight p.m : 62.2

Hung Over

I’m so angry at myself. Today I ate so much food! Last night I went to a house party and got absolutely wasted and in the alcohol alone there would have been enough sugar and calories but for me, when I'm hung over I’m always soooooo hungry the next day- ravenous! And I crave carbs and oily food. So I woke up and had popcorn because I was at someone else’s house and I was like what the hell (I’m so stupid) than I came home and at Korean instant noodles which I know for a fat a loaded with fat and of course they're carbs, than I had tuna on Jatz than omg that's not all I than had spaghetti and Neapolitan sauce with cheese. I can’t believe how much of a fatty I was today sooooo I decided that the spaghetti had to come back up and it just wouldn’t budge! I was so angry at myself for not being able to throw it back up...arr so annoying! And I’m still fricken hungry even now...but I’m just drinking tea, hoping it will curve my hunger.


Oh and I ate chocolate today for the first time since ash day Wednesday. Lent is over so I don’t have anything holding me back from eating it again...I’m scared ill balloon up, I have no self control! Shit....

Weight: 62.7

My Favourite

Well im hungry and searching the cupboards for something to eat but everything is too fatty or sugary or just ggrr! And to make matters worse all my brothers friends ordered delivery pizza, so i had to go to my and look up some thinspo and i decided to post some of my favourites on here. Im really picky about my thinspo and i like certain things - skinny arms, skinny legs but still shapely! long torsos and the likes. I also prefer Fashion Photography of skinny girls rather than home taken shots, but some of these girls are just to beautiful to not post! So any way here are a few of my favourites... Enjoy!

Oh and my tip of the week - When you're hungry and you dont want to eat anything make a large cup of tea and if you have sugar try to cut it back alot! If you're still hungry make another one!

Xx

Weight p.m : 63.6

Lonely Lonely that is Me

Well i havent thrown up for about 2 days now. Although ive been eating alot less than i normally would. Today i woke up and had scrabbled eggs with buttered toast and bake beans. I had a bannana but than didnt eat again until about an hour ago. I had a home made indian curry with rice. Ive kept it down and im hungry again but im not going to eat anything else cause i know ill just feel like throwing it up. Yesterday i didnt eat any dinner either so low and behold i didnt have to throw up. If i can help it i dont want to throw up because the more i do it the more my family could find out!

On Another note my parents went away for easter and my bro invited his mates over. Im sitting out there trying to have a good time, looking skinny because i put my fake tan on! Any way i go away and when i come back my bro is chopping. I cant believe that he'd start smoking again...and infront of me? Doesn't he know how fucked up i am that he went to jail for this? Fucking jail...and he's just doing it straight infront of me. Well i didnt even sit down i just walked away. He came to find me in my room and i told him my mind. He didnt like it. But fuck him, im so dissappointed in him. And im so ashamed of what he did. How the fuck can he be like that?

I feel so alone...

My First

So i've decided to start blogging about my weight loss and how im going with it. I figure if i keep a proper account of what i eat and how i try to loose the weight ill be more likely to stay on track.

Well today i woke up and had two and a half weatbix with half a banana and honey. The honey probably was a bad idea and it was alot of carbs but i always feel its important to eat breakfast.

Than of course i snacked and had little things like hommus on crackers and the likes. Than i had a salad with olives and danish feta which is not good but i just love it so much and smoked tuna from the can. So it wasnt to bad not like eating maccas or something shocking like that but still after that i baked cookies. I must have eaten so much cookie dough i felt so guilty so i went and had a shower and throw it up until i was throwing up salad than i stopped. After that i didnt eat till tonight when my family had over my cousins. I had marinated chicken drumsticks and salad. I didnt eat any patatoe or sausages or steak. I only had salad and chicken but i of course over did the sizing and ate to much than i had a shocking sweet tooth, so i nuked a Betty crockers apricot pie and ate half of it before i felt mega mega guilty and had another shower and thru pretty much all of my dinner up...and the pie! Gosh im so bad!

I havent done any exercise in ages either. Ive got to do something soon!

Weight a.m : 63.1