Friday, September 25, 2009

Heart & Stomach

Boy oh boy, i dunno what to do. My heart is so mixed up and its all cause of hot guy. He got really drunk a week or so back and sent me a text saying he loved me? WTF? He was really drunk though and said he'd got into a fight (this was at like 4am). So i called him and he was like "blar blar blar...i love you!" i was like omg omg omg omg ive just met this guy! The stupid stupid STUPID thing was ...i kindda liked it. I know i know im crazy but at least i played it cool. It did freak me out a little at the time so i was like "um...thank you?" than he was like "i know you dont love me but i love you. Lets make a relationship!" lol i was like whaaa!!!!??!?! "tell me this when you're sober!"

And bom bom boooooommm!!! He didnt say anything when he was sober! Stupid prick! But things were going alright, he was being really affectionate and nice to me for a week or so. But a couple days ago i stayed at his house and than the next day he didnt really txt me and i invited him over the next day and he text back saying maybe next time! ARSE HOLE! There are so many better ways to turn down an invite! Any way we didnt talk for a day or so and i just txt him than asking what he's up to and he just wrote back utter shit. Arrgh its not even worth the effort of writting down! It just plays with my heart. I shouldnt have let myself trust him! STUPID!

As for my stomach...its hungry! Yes today i ate less than i normally do! Im very proud of myself. Only two meals - cereal for breakfast and a salad wrap for dinner with some fruit and raw veg inbetween! I'll try again tomorrow for the same amount!

Hope everyone else is staying strong! Take care xxoo

Monday, September 21, 2009


A couple of nights ago i had this dream. I cant remember much about it except that i was sitting there looking at my leg and all the fat on it and for some reason i decided to take a big bite out of my thigh. The dream continued on and i forgot about it until i lifted up my skirt and saw the massive chunk missing in my leg. When i looked closer at it i could see inside my leg a distint layer of disgusting yellowy red fat ontop of like muscle and sinue. It was so depressing.

Lately ive been eating HEAPS! And not even caring. Im so incredibly fat at the moment. I feel so self concious. I dont even want to go out anymore.

Im trying hard to cut back what i eat and how much but i just love eating so much. I get so much enjoyment out of it until 10mins later when im like omg...i need to throw up why the fuck did i just eat that?

Err im so incredibly depressed at the moment, i just want to sleep all the time. Im in a rut. I Day dream about being skinny, and than get really excited about it and say im going to fast today yay! Soon i will be skinny! Than after about 2 hrs i get hungry and eat till i have a food baby! WTF?

I sit there and have arguments in my head with myself. Saying okay today i will only eat this apple and a sandwich. Half for morning tea half for afternoon tea and than nothing else! Than i suddenly think omg thats so much food, no way can i allow myself to eat that much carbs and crap! But than rational me comes in and says hello? Your only going to eat that? Thats not alot of food at all you can so eat more! Normal people eat more than that! Than im like wait no its not dont eat more...but its to late my awesome ana thinking has been ruined and i just end up eating like a horse!

I need to train myself better! cut short...flatmate just got home

stay strong! x

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Updates (long post)

Things have changed so much. I moved out of my old share house and now live with my best friend and a gay couple. They're really nice people and im glad i came here but its like a family...which is good but it just means they always eat together. Dinners are insane here, they're full on meals. Like big pasta's, or pizza or FAT. And i dont have the self disapline to say no. If the food is infront of me i have to eat it! And i cant stand their eyes watching me judging me for not eating.

Ive put weight back on. I reckon about 3 or 4kg. But ive taken up jogging again. And im enjoying it. I want to jog every second day. Because i work in a office all day and i am sitting for 6hrs im getting so fat. I need to excerise and eat less! I want to be skinny but i also want to be toned. Nice shapely legs, and im hoping that excerise will minimise my cellulite. Its pretty bad at the moment. Its very depressing!

Sometimes i look at my legs in photos and i can see where my thighs should stop, and than there is all this extra fat and cellulite hanging off it. It looks so weird. There is like a big line going down my leg. The indent of the bone i guess and than all the fat hangs off it. My legs are naturally quite spread apart at the top. Like my thighs go like this )( i cant really explain it but there is a big gap between them (when im skinny). I love it but at the moment the extra fat (and omg i have saddle bags now!!!) just hangs off like a melting blob - big drumstick legs. ERRR YUCK!

To make matters worse for me i have a new man in my life sort of. I dont know what it is about him, or why but i feel like i really like him. I cant know for sure but it feels like this time its genuine.


He's 6 yrs older than me and a different nationality and culture. Maybe because of that or maybe cause he's older than me or maybe cause im so crazy and clingy when i actually fall for a guy but he just seems so... like he doesnt care.
Im so conflicted. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I HATE it! And when im with this guy im not in control. Im a fucking mess. I thought i was past this kind of thing but im not. He sends me mixed messages. He cant be bothered waiting for me to meet up, or even make an effort to see me when we're both out. But he never doesnt txt back. Sometimes he takes a couple hours but he always txt back to me. But theyre always closed end questions or non-invational statments.

Fuck i hate this. It's really difficult because i met him through a guy i was fucking his name can be 'wasian' (he's white but is inlove with everything japanese and thinks he's gangsta ..err what was i thinking?).Any way i didnt realise how friendly wasian and hot guy are. wasian is at his house like every weekend, and wasians best friend is hot guys flatmate! I think wasian was pretty upset too when he found out hot guy and i were fucking and im pretty he's said bad things about me. Im worried they talk about me badly behind my back. ERRRRR!!! lovely me the village bicycle!

And the other night he slept over and i tried to talk to him about how i felt and i thought he'd back away or give really simple answers but he didnt. I asked him whether he liked me or just liked fucking me because i feel like a whore. He said he liked me but there was a pause!

Than i got really nervous and self concious and i couldnt talk. I have alot of trouble talking about those kind of emotions with men! Any way he really suprised me and hit back with all these really hard hitting questions like 'do you want me to be your boyfriend?' (in a negative tone) and 'what do you want me to say?' and other stuff. When i write it down and look at it it looks pretty lame but at the time i was speechless. He's first language isnt english and i thought he wouldnt really have the knowledge to comprehend in english what i was saying but he totally understood and just made me feel so insecure and confused.

But the thing is that hot guy is pretty toned, tan and has nice skin- all hard muscle, and im the complete oppisite. flabby, pale and pimplely! The other night when he slept over i was so concious of my self. He kept grabbing my love handles and saying 'love handles' and feeling my fat thighs and pinching my skin which is NOT advisable as i have sooo much cellulite. I felt so fat next to him. I can stand it when im fatter than the men im with. We were lying on the bed and i was wearing short shorts and i sort of half sat up twisting i dunno it was weird but i looked down and my thight and there was an area like 15cm by 15cm of orange peel disgusting cellulite. I was so embaressed i moved my leg really quickly but i reckon he saw.

The women of his nationality to are naturally petite and skinny. i must look like a whale to him. and orange peel whale :( :(

So its decided i will excerise more and eat less, eat better and hopefully just forget about hot guy. Its pretty sad but in the end id rather never see him again and just forget him than feel the way i feel now...

sorry for the long post guys, more interesting and better stuff has probably happen that would've been better to blog about but i had to get this off my chest.

stay strong, x