Thursday, January 7, 2010

Thank you

Just wanna say thank you to the people that read my blog. It blows my mind that people actually take the time to sit there and read about my miserable life.

I cant imagine what it must look like from the outside looking in. Im a very fucked up person. More than i realise. More than i let on.

I think ive got some deep seated fear of being alone, not being worthy. I dont know where it came from. Im SOO clingy. And so insecure. Since i could remember. I use to cry myself into hysterics when my mum would drop me off at pre-school. In primary school i use to cry myself to sleep at night cause i wasnt in the in the "cool" group. And in high school i found out about boys and oh my did it all go down hill.

I constantly compare myself to unrealistic idols. Women airbrushed to the max, or people of a differnt race or body shape and wonder why am the way i am? And how much it'd cost to get lipo, or a boob job, or hair exstenions, or fake nails, or a fake tan, or a fake life...than would i be happy?

This insecure state of mind is what led me to my eating disorder. This insecure state of mind is what led me to men and finding my self worth in their opinion of me. Their approval.

Which i never get becuase i always choose men i shouldnt. Do i seek them out on purpose? Do i attach myself to men who i know will tread on me and push me down? Men who will cheat and make me feel worthless. Fat. Ugly. A waste of a fucking human being?

Or do i do it to myself. Do i turn these normal men into assholes? Do i push them away with my crazy paranoia? With my constant nagging? With my relentless need for love and affection? For approval? For acceptance?

Where does it end...where does it even fucking begin?

Im eating less and less. Throwing up more and more. At least this is always here. Always constant. Forever on my mind. At least this will never leave me....

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The return of an old Friend

Mia has returned to me. And oh how ive missed her. And ana well she's here in the sense that when i look in the mirror i see disgusting fat empassing my thighs, calves, ass, arms, tummy, face ...the list goes on right down to my wrists! Yes my wrists are fat!

How might you ask did they return? Well they returned with my old friend sorrow.

Sorrow that my flatmate saw my ex walking down the street with his new girlfriend hand in hand.
Sorrow that i txted him the day before and he txted back straight away saying lets meet next week... maybe. And my heart literally skipped a beat.
Sorrow that i txted him the next night when his facebook said he cut up his face diving in a shallow pool and he never txt back...because he was with her.

Im sick of being fat. I want to waste away to nothing. I want to be hollow so my emotions have no home in me. Nothing to stick to. Nothing ...Nothing but emptiness and loneliness.

Where nothing can feed and nothing can fester. Nothing can dig in its claws and rip out my heart.

Every day i pass his fucking house on the bus. Every day i fucking hear something mentioned about his god forsaken country.

Every fucking day he is somewhere mentioned in my life.

Who am i? I do not know this person. I am not myself.

Every day i grow sader, ever day i grow heavier. When all i wantis to be light and fly away. I want the wind to take me far away. Travel across these lands to another place where i am not broken.

Where i am strong and i do not get my self worth from the men i attach myself to.

I hope they were dating when we fucked. I hope we fuck again so i can meet her by chance and ruin their relationship. I hope she screws him over so he feels like shit, like i do now. So he can feel this hatred that overwhelms my body that seeps into my every pore, my every being.

Im glad his 2010 has started so shit, karma is a bitch!

...At least she is ugly!

...but where does prettiness get you when you still dont get the man?