Thursday, December 16, 2010


Sometimes its a bit overwhelming...and i dont know where to turn.
Lately ive been getting depressed again. And i know thats not a good thing
But secretly i am happy for that means that im going to take loosing weight seriously.
I dont know what triggers it, but i cant hide this darkness...
thats plagued me since i started this blog.
And i dont want to write about misery's of what ive done and what ive been throw, cause im not the only one. And this is only the start, im not suicidal...i have a long life ahead of me
and i want to live a skinny life. A Beautiful life
I want people to say as i turn my back
"wow she's lost so much weight hasnt she?"
I want to be that girl that doesnt eat very much and people look at her funny.
The beautiful one...

Last night i throw up. I made food, ate it, and throw it up in a rage of guilt...
all within 40minutes. This morning my stomach as flat.
I am happy for this...

Im scared my depression will get worse...and im scared i cant hide it, and im happy i will be skinny, beautiful, thin...and people will want me
i will want me

This is a fantastic thinsipiration site...take a look

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Its been a while...

Its been a while since i wrote in here...and a lot of things have happened. Good and Bad. Im trying to keep a positive attitude towards life, but its always difficult to be the person you want to be when its so easy to be the negative lazy git that comes naturally.

Ive been pigging out lately. Im living and working in london now...which is just what i wanted 6 months ago. But its so cold over here that my body is going into hibernation and my mind is saying EAT EAT EAT! and so what have i done? eat eat eat!!!

I weigh about 64kg right now. Its disgusting. I cant fit some of my jeans from home, tights that were loose are tight, ive got cellulite out of control and im still so hungry for comfort food. And im putting a stop to it starting yesterday. My new eating routine is not going to be ana-ish. Ive got to start slow and if i try to not eat im just gonna go mental. So im eating a good breakfast. Weetbix and banana with a tiny bit of honey, or some muesli with skim milk. Than i might eat a boiled egg or apple during the day. Than at night im only going to eat soup. Im cutting out bread and pasta which ive been living on lately. And im going to cut down my sugar intake. Only allow myself a treat on the weekends. One small chocolate bar or cookie or something. Just so i dont go mental. And thats all i need.

Today ive done okay, just wondering how ill go with dinner tonight at my work. I know they'll serve up some disgusting pasta and ill be like nnnnnarrrrmmmmmyyyyy! Blah im so fat now a days. When i look back i almost want to cry. I need thinspiration constantly. I want skinny legs and a small cute bum! I want my arms to be thin and i want the fluid in my face to go away!

I know i can do this! I want to be 57kg...than we'll see if i can get skinnier but for the mean time id be happy just under 60!

Good luck girls, i hope you've been holding stronger than me