Sticking to the new diet regime is difficult. More difficult than i expected after the first week. Im getting hunger headaches and eating the cookies again.
But my eating amounts and habits are still much betterthan a fortnight ago and im eating less.
Its just hard to hide my hunger from my work collegues. My mouth is too loose and i always say things like 'im so hungry!' or just stare hard out at people eating food i would LOVE to binge on!
Ive been to scared to jump back on the scales to see if my weight has gone up. I was so proud of myself breaking into the 50s.
I saw my ex this weekend and used with him. I dont know if i loved it or hated it. I loved the feeling of just not being hungry at all! Of my stomach growling because i hadnt eaten anything all day but i jsut wanted hungry! And all that energy...but than it wore off and i just felt edgey sad and...weird. so tired!
Im not drinking as much though, but im living for the weekends when i can get pissed off my face.
Im waiting for a new challenge to come into my life. I want change. I scares the hell outta me but i love it...God my posts are boring!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
broke it
Just a quick post, i know ive written 3 consecutive posts this week and i must be filling up your dash board with lovelyme updates but....
I broke the 50 mark! i now weigh according to my dodgey scales 59.5kg!
I finally did it, it means my diet is working!!!
I feel healthier also and i stomach is heaps flat, i can finally see my abs again thank gosh!
Im going to keep going, and the best part is i ate less than i did yesterday. maybe as i go on i can keep cutting down my food intake.
I will be that skinny girl that turns everyones heads!
Makes you stop and stare as i go past!
I broke the 50 mark! i now weigh according to my dodgey scales 59.5kg!
I finally did it, it means my diet is working!!!
I feel healthier also and i stomach is heaps flat, i can finally see my abs again thank gosh!
Im going to keep going, and the best part is i ate less than i did yesterday. maybe as i go on i can keep cutting down my food intake.
I will be that skinny girl that turns everyones heads!
Makes you stop and stare as i go past!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
small win
Ive set myself an eating plan, and ive stuck to it for the last two days.
Im happy, its a small win. Im going to see how much weight i loose if i stick to this for 2 weeks. Im only eating muesli and yogurt breakfast, 3 peices of fruit for lunch and 99% fat free soup for dinner with rye bread. Roughly about 700 cals a day.
I really want to be under 60kg before i go overseas.
I really want to have smaller portion sizes and less meals. I want to be that girl that leaves over half the food on her plate, i want to be that girl that says no thank you to food.
When i go over seas i know im not gonna have alot of money to buy food and im worried all ill eat is 2min noodles and they're the worst thing u can eat. They make you so fat. I refuse to get fatter than i am, specially in another country while im on holidays taking a million photos!
My housemates cooked brownies today and i ate a little one. Im very dissappointed in myself for that but i REALLY want to go out there and hoe down on another one but i wont! so plus probably another 200cals for that one brownie :( :(
but yesterday and today i didnt touch the cookie jar, and some fat bitch offered me cake and i was like "no thanks!" damn proud!!! The poeple i work with are starting to get sus on me. They keep asking me if ive eaten today, one even said "Do you ever eat anything?". I think they're sus on me cause i always watch what they eat like a hawk. Because i soooooo want to eat that dirty pasta, or that big ol' cookie but i cant, i wont!
I can do this, i have this, i will be thin!
x
Im happy, its a small win. Im going to see how much weight i loose if i stick to this for 2 weeks. Im only eating muesli and yogurt breakfast, 3 peices of fruit for lunch and 99% fat free soup for dinner with rye bread. Roughly about 700 cals a day.
I really want to be under 60kg before i go overseas.
I really want to have smaller portion sizes and less meals. I want to be that girl that leaves over half the food on her plate, i want to be that girl that says no thank you to food.
When i go over seas i know im not gonna have alot of money to buy food and im worried all ill eat is 2min noodles and they're the worst thing u can eat. They make you so fat. I refuse to get fatter than i am, specially in another country while im on holidays taking a million photos!
My housemates cooked brownies today and i ate a little one. Im very dissappointed in myself for that but i REALLY want to go out there and hoe down on another one but i wont! so plus probably another 200cals for that one brownie :( :(
but yesterday and today i didnt touch the cookie jar, and some fat bitch offered me cake and i was like "no thanks!" damn proud!!! The poeple i work with are starting to get sus on me. They keep asking me if ive eaten today, one even said "Do you ever eat anything?". I think they're sus on me cause i always watch what they eat like a hawk. Because i soooooo want to eat that dirty pasta, or that big ol' cookie but i cant, i wont!
I can do this, i have this, i will be thin!
x
Monday, July 20, 2009
depressing weight
I havent had a scale since i moved from the 'big smoke' back to my 'home town'. I've been eating what ever i like and ive been to happy to really care.
The other night i saw my ex. He's only seen me about 3 times since 2 year ago, when i was at my worst/best weight...49kg. That was when i had a massive amphetamine habit.
I weigh over 10kg more than that now and he noticed. He said i was FAT! I wanted to go and throw up my dinner right there on the spot. He really stuck into me. Said he'd checked out my ghetto booty in the kitchen (while i was heating up a desert cake shame on me) and than he grabbed my thighs and wiggled my fat and asked 'omg does that go all the way down?'
i ...fucking.....hate .....myself!
Today i tried to eat really healthy but of course it didnt work. That fucking cookie jar! ? If i could i'd through it out the window of our 12 storey building!
So i had breakfast hoping it'd curve my hunger for the day, and i ate only fruit during the day (along with 3 of the devil cookies and 2 no fat milk coffees). When i got home i had 99% fat free soup and 2 peices of rye bread. I know this is ALOT and isnt great but im still in the process of saying no to myself. Than my flatmate came over and offered me two peices of wait for it.....garlic bread.
and i ate it :( :( :( :(
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?
I really want to try fasting for a day but im scared ill fail and im scared ill just binge the next day. I wish i had self control. I wish i could write a post in here that wasnt about failing. Its all i seem to do these days. My life consists of when is my next meal.
I weighed myself tonight aswell and im fairly sure the scales are out but i was high...way high... i hate myself.
i
hate
my
body
The other night i saw my ex. He's only seen me about 3 times since 2 year ago, when i was at my worst/best weight...49kg. That was when i had a massive amphetamine habit.
I weigh over 10kg more than that now and he noticed. He said i was FAT! I wanted to go and throw up my dinner right there on the spot. He really stuck into me. Said he'd checked out my ghetto booty in the kitchen (while i was heating up a desert cake shame on me) and than he grabbed my thighs and wiggled my fat and asked 'omg does that go all the way down?'
i ...fucking.....hate .....myself!
Today i tried to eat really healthy but of course it didnt work. That fucking cookie jar! ? If i could i'd through it out the window of our 12 storey building!
So i had breakfast hoping it'd curve my hunger for the day, and i ate only fruit during the day (along with 3 of the devil cookies and 2 no fat milk coffees). When i got home i had 99% fat free soup and 2 peices of rye bread. I know this is ALOT and isnt great but im still in the process of saying no to myself. Than my flatmate came over and offered me two peices of wait for it.....garlic bread.
and i ate it :( :( :( :(
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?
I really want to try fasting for a day but im scared ill fail and im scared ill just binge the next day. I wish i had self control. I wish i could write a post in here that wasnt about failing. Its all i seem to do these days. My life consists of when is my next meal.
I weighed myself tonight aswell and im fairly sure the scales are out but i was high...way high... i hate myself.
i
hate
my
body
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Muffin Temptation
I went to work today and was determined to eat well slash nothing. I had a healthy breakfast (muesli and fat free yogurht with skim milk). But low and behold what did the fat call centre people bring out for brunch? FUCKING MUFFINS! Little tiny cute adorable parsels of F-A-T!!! You could actually see the oil in these babies just dripping and being all disgusting and deliously fatty... blarrr!!!!
I ate two...im so ashamed!
But to my credit (although i dont deserve any) i stayed the fuck away from the cookie jar and if they'd been no muffin temptation i wouldnt have eaten sweets all day...which doesnt really count in the long run does it? Cause i still failed.
And even more so when i got home. I was starving and got into my flatmates terrible tuna pasta bake which was just aweful..it didnt even taste good. So i hoed into that, than i still wasnt satisfied so i had a small bowl of muesli thaaann i was still hungry so i cooked up chicken and veggies and doused it in bbq sauce. WTF
MAN I FELT SOOOOO GUILTY! So i went and had a shower and throw up all the chicken and veggies till i started seeing pasta in my upchuck. I stopped after that. I wanted to keep going but i always add over half a jar to chili flakes to every meal and it was burning my throat something chronic...
I know its bad, but im so glad i thru it up. Im glad that disgusting fat is out of my stomach! I just have to apply my cookie jar mind trip on other foods now.
Buuuuttt the fatties had little pancakes with jam and cream today in a meeting and i ate one and than i was like nooooooooooooooooo cellulite thighs fatty knees beer belly! And i stopped...so proud of myself!
Now i just gotta get that ana disapline back....hmm any tips??!!
This thinspo is pretty old and you've probably seen it before but i fucking love it so im reposting it...enjoy x
I ate two...im so ashamed!
But to my credit (although i dont deserve any) i stayed the fuck away from the cookie jar and if they'd been no muffin temptation i wouldnt have eaten sweets all day...which doesnt really count in the long run does it? Cause i still failed.
And even more so when i got home. I was starving and got into my flatmates terrible tuna pasta bake which was just aweful..it didnt even taste good. So i hoed into that, than i still wasnt satisfied so i had a small bowl of muesli thaaann i was still hungry so i cooked up chicken and veggies and doused it in bbq sauce. WTF
MAN I FELT SOOOOO GUILTY! So i went and had a shower and throw up all the chicken and veggies till i started seeing pasta in my upchuck. I stopped after that. I wanted to keep going but i always add over half a jar to chili flakes to every meal and it was burning my throat something chronic...
I know its bad, but im so glad i thru it up. Im glad that disgusting fat is out of my stomach! I just have to apply my cookie jar mind trip on other foods now.
Buuuuttt the fatties had little pancakes with jam and cream today in a meeting and i ate one and than i was like nooooooooooooooooo cellulite thighs fatty knees beer belly! And i stopped...so proud of myself!
Now i just gotta get that ana disapline back....hmm any tips??!!
This thinspo is pretty old and you've probably seen it before but i fucking love it so im reposting it...enjoy x
Friday, July 10, 2009
Sick & Tired
I'm sick and tired of moaning about how im not getting thinner, looking at my friends get skinner and still not doing anything about it!
I dont know where my will power has gone. In the last two weeks ive eaten SO much buttery fatty disgusting popcorn. This morning i had breakfast with toast, egg, bake beans and dirty deep fried hashbrown...what the heck is wrong with me?
Im going to try and make that the only thing i eat today besides maybe something SMALL cause ive gotta go to a friends house for dinner tonight.
This is the same shit i post up everyday...how fucking boring?! My heart isnt in this but i so desperately want to be skinny! I wish i LOVED exercising. I could go for a jog now...but i probably wont. Cause im a lazy fat c*nt!
However one victory i have managed is to train myself to look at the cookie jar at work as my fatty cellulite butt. Everytime i look at the cookie jar i only see my fat arse and orange peel skin. I dont eat those cookies anymore. I'm really suprised how well its worked. Like i literally see my fat arse when i look at the cookie jar. Its a small win but still a important one.
I went out clubbing with some girls last night. I wanted to have a messy night and i did lol we snooted so much ****** up our noses lol i was off my face. It was fan - fucking - tastic! And i met a VERY good looking man, i got his number and he got mine. Dunno if he was interested but he was leaning all over me on the seat and we'd just met...so thats good right? Im going to txt him next weekend and be like..."hey if you're out tonight wanna catch up for a drink?" see what comes of it. I swear this man looks just like jake gyllenhaal! STUNNING! But i think he's like one of those guys that is hard to get. I really have to play my cards right here...hmm a challenge i love it! Ha ha im a sick fuck, now a days i look at men only as a challenge. I spot someone i like, i give them the eye and smile, if they respond i sit down near we're they are and wait for them to come over to say hi. Once ive got that its normally in the bag. I love the thrill of the chase. LOL i dont know how many mens numbers i have in my phone, with the club that i met them in as their last names so i remember who they are...arrgh but they're always after one thing :( And so am i...but you've gotta prove youself first and most of them fail miserably!
Good news is the hot boss ive been day dreaming about on the bus...well i talked to him the other night and he was well keen for it. He's like "im gonna fuck you first week u get to london"...am i like "ooooh are you now?" Im Playing him along because the first time we met and worked together i was falling over myself to get ANY kind of attention from him. I made such a fool of myself! But i guess to my credit he still came after me...mmm yummy! My last note on men is the pansy man ive been "seeing" if thats what you can call it, cause we never do ANYTHING together(barely even talk anymore) came over my place last night to hang with me and my friends and was so stiff and insecure and fucking annoying! Telling stupid stories that you tell to make people think you're cool when you're in fucking yr 9 or something! He's twenty fucking three...grow some damn balls man! Im so hard on him though...and i do really feel bad because i think he likes me but im to wild for him, im to eratic, to crazy. And i have no patience for the man and his mama boy ways. im not even that attracted to him anymore! Errr gotta let him go softly but how to do it? hmmm..
Any way i should stop ramberling on about men, this blog is suppose to be about my fucking eating disorder which is pathetic at the moment!
Im not really writting anything interesting too id be suprised if anyone even reads this far down plus I dont want to make my posts to long cause i know i get bored reading other peoples long ass posts.
Sooooo ladies my only tip for the moment is if you have a vice something you just HAVE to eat when u see it, say chocolate peanut butter somethings, or hot chips or friggen that disgusting 1000calorie thing that you JUST HAVE TO EAT!!!! Try to imagine you most hated part about you and associate that food with it. So everytime you look at it you dont see the trigger food, you see your fat ass, or cellulite knees, or beer belly or fucking love handles!!!! BIG THIGHS!!!!!!!
It works trust me...good luck and stay true stay strong xoxo
I dont know where my will power has gone. In the last two weeks ive eaten SO much buttery fatty disgusting popcorn. This morning i had breakfast with toast, egg, bake beans and dirty deep fried hashbrown...what the heck is wrong with me?
Im going to try and make that the only thing i eat today besides maybe something SMALL cause ive gotta go to a friends house for dinner tonight.
This is the same shit i post up everyday...how fucking boring?! My heart isnt in this but i so desperately want to be skinny! I wish i LOVED exercising. I could go for a jog now...but i probably wont. Cause im a lazy fat c*nt!
However one victory i have managed is to train myself to look at the cookie jar at work as my fatty cellulite butt. Everytime i look at the cookie jar i only see my fat arse and orange peel skin. I dont eat those cookies anymore. I'm really suprised how well its worked. Like i literally see my fat arse when i look at the cookie jar. Its a small win but still a important one.
I went out clubbing with some girls last night. I wanted to have a messy night and i did lol we snooted so much ****** up our noses lol i was off my face. It was fan - fucking - tastic! And i met a VERY good looking man, i got his number and he got mine. Dunno if he was interested but he was leaning all over me on the seat and we'd just met...so thats good right? Im going to txt him next weekend and be like..."hey if you're out tonight wanna catch up for a drink?" see what comes of it. I swear this man looks just like jake gyllenhaal! STUNNING! But i think he's like one of those guys that is hard to get. I really have to play my cards right here...hmm a challenge i love it! Ha ha im a sick fuck, now a days i look at men only as a challenge. I spot someone i like, i give them the eye and smile, if they respond i sit down near we're they are and wait for them to come over to say hi. Once ive got that its normally in the bag. I love the thrill of the chase. LOL i dont know how many mens numbers i have in my phone, with the club that i met them in as their last names so i remember who they are...arrgh but they're always after one thing :( And so am i...but you've gotta prove youself first and most of them fail miserably!
Good news is the hot boss ive been day dreaming about on the bus...well i talked to him the other night and he was well keen for it. He's like "im gonna fuck you first week u get to london"...am i like "ooooh are you now?" Im Playing him along because the first time we met and worked together i was falling over myself to get ANY kind of attention from him. I made such a fool of myself! But i guess to my credit he still came after me...mmm yummy! My last note on men is the pansy man ive been "seeing" if thats what you can call it, cause we never do ANYTHING together(barely even talk anymore) came over my place last night to hang with me and my friends and was so stiff and insecure and fucking annoying! Telling stupid stories that you tell to make people think you're cool when you're in fucking yr 9 or something! He's twenty fucking three...grow some damn balls man! Im so hard on him though...and i do really feel bad because i think he likes me but im to wild for him, im to eratic, to crazy. And i have no patience for the man and his mama boy ways. im not even that attracted to him anymore! Errr gotta let him go softly but how to do it? hmmm..
Any way i should stop ramberling on about men, this blog is suppose to be about my fucking eating disorder which is pathetic at the moment!
Im not really writting anything interesting too id be suprised if anyone even reads this far down plus I dont want to make my posts to long cause i know i get bored reading other peoples long ass posts.
Sooooo ladies my only tip for the moment is if you have a vice something you just HAVE to eat when u see it, say chocolate peanut butter somethings, or hot chips or friggen that disgusting 1000calorie thing that you JUST HAVE TO EAT!!!! Try to imagine you most hated part about you and associate that food with it. So everytime you look at it you dont see the trigger food, you see your fat ass, or cellulite knees, or beer belly or fucking love handles!!!! BIG THIGHS!!!!!!!
It works trust me...good luck and stay true stay strong xoxo
Monday, July 6, 2009
My friends get skinnier as i get Fatter!
I have this slight obesession with one of my old friends.
Shes skinnier than me and more fashionable and currently in london!
mole!
Any way there is no more potent thinspiration than when u go on facebook only to see beautiful photo's of your friend looking insanely skinny!
I will loose weight. I will look like her starting from today im only eating breakfast - muesli
brunch - banana
lunch - nothing!!!
tea - apple
dinner - small bowl fat free soup or home made veggie soup
i will loose weight i have to set myself a goal!
any way here's a depressive thinspo shot of my beautiful friend...
Post Note: I tried today but failed. I ate two cookies at work and felt like a completely c*nt, than came home and ate my weight in veggie stew. Than my flatmate made cookies and i chowed down on 2 of them, felt so guilty had a shower and through them back up, along with most of my veggie stew dinner. Feeling much better now but still like a failure. Tomorrow will hopefully be better! By the end of this month i will weigh 57kg or less!!! xx
Shes skinnier than me and more fashionable and currently in london!
mole!
Any way there is no more potent thinspiration than when u go on facebook only to see beautiful photo's of your friend looking insanely skinny!
I will loose weight. I will look like her starting from today im only eating breakfast - muesli
brunch - banana
lunch - nothing!!!
tea - apple
dinner - small bowl fat free soup or home made veggie soup
i will loose weight i have to set myself a goal!
any way here's a depressive thinspo shot of my beautiful friend...
Post Note: I tried today but failed. I ate two cookies at work and felt like a completely c*nt, than came home and ate my weight in veggie stew. Than my flatmate made cookies and i chowed down on 2 of them, felt so guilty had a shower and through them back up, along with most of my veggie stew dinner. Feeling much better now but still like a failure. Tomorrow will hopefully be better! By the end of this month i will weigh 57kg or less!!! xx
Thursday, July 2, 2009
It's back!
Okay its back....and fuck its been long enough!
Im sick of being a fat bitch. Ive got a new job and its in telephone business centre or aka call centre. hahaha
Its the worst fucking job in the world seriously! I fucking hate it! I hate the poeple i work with, i hate the trainers! I hate the work!
AND OMFG!! YOU SHOULD SEE THE FUCKING OBESE FREAKS I WORK WITH!
Literally i throw up in my mouth every time i see these people walk past. And they're everywhere. Where i work is like a disease ridden fat fest! Everyone is fat...everyone! About 90% of the people i work with are over weight.
Im not joking. It's fucking disgusting!
Its so bad ive started jogging again. I refuse to get like those poeple. I would quit tomorrow except ill never get another job that pays as well as this one does and im planning to go overseas by the end of october.
Just fuck off overseas and not have to worry about any of this petty bullshit going on in my life! Maybe actually find a real man with a real dick who'll fuck me properly! eeehhhh this man im with at the moment my god...i think he's a closet gay!
Sorry im venting! I havent written on here in ages and ive just had all this pent up rage. I really dont knwo what it is. I get on the bus home after work and i just wanna fucking bunch someone out. I stand on the over crowded bus to work and dream about going to london and seeing my old boss and working for him again in some seedy awesome bar in old london town and fucking his brains out. I sit in this freezing cold room all day at work and fucking dream of what i want my current man to do to me. Dream of being anywhere but where i am now. Than i go home and wanna bunch someone out? What is this rage?
I fucking love it though! At least now i actually feel like im living!
I love these emotions these raw fucking out there emotions. No more dull nothing ness! Its all out there to feel to see to want and touch!
Im still fucking fat toooo fucking fat. But at least in the TBC i have thinspiration all around me. Everywhere i look there are fat fucking pigs! Disgusting seriously! My legs pressed together dont make one of your thighs!
EVEN YOUR FINGERS ARE FUCKING FAT!
DISGUSTING WORTHLESS FUCKING PIGS!
Errr thinking about it makes me want to throw up....blarrrrrr
Im starting off slow though, ive stopped eating sweets and cookies and what not. But im still eating to many carbs. This faggot of a man that i for some god forsaken reason like is a gym junkie and a personal trainer slash mega awesome bodied man who doesnt eat anything bad or drink!!!! So ive decided i have to get really thin so i dont look like a fat fucking cow next to him.
All my life is pointing towards getting skinny...i fucking love it!
Oh and lastly my drinking problem is getting worse and getting better. I dont get crazy rude obnoxious drunk anymore. I dont even get that bad a hang overs any more. But ive started drinking everyday. I have to have a drink after work now to calm down. Just one or two beers....or three sometimes. Everyday.
Its hard to go a day without a drink
I need to get thin
I need I want I must have
Thin Ana please come back??
Im sick of being a fat bitch. Ive got a new job and its in telephone business centre or aka call centre. hahaha
Its the worst fucking job in the world seriously! I fucking hate it! I hate the poeple i work with, i hate the trainers! I hate the work!
AND OMFG!! YOU SHOULD SEE THE FUCKING OBESE FREAKS I WORK WITH!
Literally i throw up in my mouth every time i see these people walk past. And they're everywhere. Where i work is like a disease ridden fat fest! Everyone is fat...everyone! About 90% of the people i work with are over weight.
Im not joking. It's fucking disgusting!
Its so bad ive started jogging again. I refuse to get like those poeple. I would quit tomorrow except ill never get another job that pays as well as this one does and im planning to go overseas by the end of october.
Just fuck off overseas and not have to worry about any of this petty bullshit going on in my life! Maybe actually find a real man with a real dick who'll fuck me properly! eeehhhh this man im with at the moment my god...i think he's a closet gay!
Sorry im venting! I havent written on here in ages and ive just had all this pent up rage. I really dont knwo what it is. I get on the bus home after work and i just wanna fucking bunch someone out. I stand on the over crowded bus to work and dream about going to london and seeing my old boss and working for him again in some seedy awesome bar in old london town and fucking his brains out. I sit in this freezing cold room all day at work and fucking dream of what i want my current man to do to me. Dream of being anywhere but where i am now. Than i go home and wanna bunch someone out? What is this rage?
I fucking love it though! At least now i actually feel like im living!
I love these emotions these raw fucking out there emotions. No more dull nothing ness! Its all out there to feel to see to want and touch!
Im still fucking fat toooo fucking fat. But at least in the TBC i have thinspiration all around me. Everywhere i look there are fat fucking pigs! Disgusting seriously! My legs pressed together dont make one of your thighs!
EVEN YOUR FINGERS ARE FUCKING FAT!
DISGUSTING WORTHLESS FUCKING PIGS!
Errr thinking about it makes me want to throw up....blarrrrrr
Im starting off slow though, ive stopped eating sweets and cookies and what not. But im still eating to many carbs. This faggot of a man that i for some god forsaken reason like is a gym junkie and a personal trainer slash mega awesome bodied man who doesnt eat anything bad or drink!!!! So ive decided i have to get really thin so i dont look like a fat fucking cow next to him.
All my life is pointing towards getting skinny...i fucking love it!
Oh and lastly my drinking problem is getting worse and getting better. I dont get crazy rude obnoxious drunk anymore. I dont even get that bad a hang overs any more. But ive started drinking everyday. I have to have a drink after work now to calm down. Just one or two beers....or three sometimes. Everyday.
Its hard to go a day without a drink
I need to get thin
I need I want I must have
Thin Ana please come back??
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