Sunday, May 24, 2009
I drink to much, i dont know when to stop and when i am drunk im completely out of control.
Im highly motivated by drinking. I love it, i adore it. I think i have a problem.
I dont know why this is. Yesterday i drunk almost 2 bottles of wine. I was at a party with heaps of people i didnt know. I got talking to the hosts brother, and ended up with him in his room, making out. We were going to have sex, i wanted to but i didnt. Im glad i didnt. I did give him head though...wtf? I do not give head specially not to someone i JUST met! What the hell was i thinking?
Before we hooked up his friends and him had invited me out the next day to hang out at the beach. They seemed really genuine but after i made a fool of myself they never called me. I didnt expect them to but still its another failure, its another stupid mark against my name. Im absolutely terrible at making friends, Im socially retarded! I can just see it now, he's probably thinks im a huge slut. I went from being that girl at the party who he was intersted in, to being just a stupid drunk bitch with no morals. Apparently my cousin had to call my bro to come pick me up and take me home because i was 'out of control'. How fucking embaressing. When i left no one was really talking to me, not even the guy who i made out with.
I dont know whats wrong with me, when i get drunk i just let go. Apparently im a princess, and i see in myself that im judging poeple and i often have to stop myself from saying hurtful things to poeple. Im stuck up.
I dont know why i get like this when i get drunk. No thats a lie, i do know. I have no confidence in myself. I think im fat, ugly and undesirable. I am unhappy.
My head isnt screwed on right at the moment. Im not myself. This is not who i am. And to make matters worse i ate all day today. Bread and cookies and noodles. Fuck!
Some beautiful thinspo i got from another blogger page.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Seriously, look at her her fucking ribs! Theyre well sticking out!
Fuck it...looking at her has inspired me not to eat any dinner. Ive been eating to much lately anyway. This will be good for me and tomorrow I'll go for a jog. Ive been jogging again lately and im really glad i started up again! I love the burn, it makes me feel like im actually murdering those calories my body forces me to eat!
Soon, when i move out of home ill try fasting again. And if anyone who reads my site is fasting and is in need of a good pick-me-up to get you through the day, in Australia they sell these weight loss pills (in priceline or any where) theyre called Xantrax. Theyre not the 'real' thing but they work well enough for me and theyre absolutely loaded with caffeine. I cant take them unless im doing something that day because its like taking speed i swear! But they give you a ton of energy so i reccomend trying it. Beware the next day but...
Sunday, May 17, 2009
"didnt eat your dinner again huh?"
wtf is that suppose to mean? it could just be harmless he's always poking fun at me but it was weird when i asked him what he ment he was just said something like
"oh no nothing im just making an observation"
I hope he's not on to me, i thought i'd been so secretive... but really who fucking cares im outta this place in 9 days! And i got so much dirt on that kid anyway. He cant say a word or ill tell my folks what extra curicular activities he gets up to every afternoon, the very same activities that sent him 'away'.
So I blew out last night, i went to a dinner party wth my parents. Drunk a whole bottle of wine to myself and needless to say i was well into the food. I guess i didnt massively pig out, but i still ate alot! Im worried the main reason i went to the party was because i knew my father would buy me a bottle of wine. And all i could think about was getting drunk and not caring about anything anymore...thats bad isnt it?
Today was just average to bad. Beakfast was muesli, lunch was an apple and nuts with dried fruit, and than just before i had a rather large bowl of home made veggie soup. Snacks included about 10 hot chips my father brought (i couldnt help myself - hot chips are my trigger food) and 1 less-than-one-gram-of-fat cookie.
Im not really in a happy place at the moment. I know no one even bothers to read my blog, i dont lead an exciting enough life to warrant attention. But im sick of being boring, im sick of being hollow. Im sick of feeling like ive got nothing in common with anyone and that im a fake. I feel like i dont have a personality. I cant do anything right and im never happy with what i have. Its always been like this for me, i felt like i never fit in at primary school, never in high school and now not in my young adult life. I have nothing exciting to say, im not one of those people you feel instantly comfortable with or one of those people you want to talk to because they're funny and 'cool'. Fuck i cant even get a boy to like me, i fuck up all my friendships.
I wonder is it the drugs that have killed me inside, or was i born like this? I want to ask my parents if my family has a history of depression but im too scared they'll wonder why im asking and things will get awkward.
Or maybe all i want is another pipe. Another hit, another round with my old friend...I cant believe its been since august 2008 since i got high and i still think about it everyday. Still want it, still feel that pull in my chest.
Man im a fuck up...maybe if i was thin everything would be better or at least it would on the outside.
Friday, May 15, 2009
I was looking at my thighs and my love handles, looking at my protruding tummy thinking isnt this enough? Doesnt this make you want to change the way you eat?
I cant get my head around the fact that this will be a massive effort and i have to start not at the start of the new week, not tomorrow morning but NOW!
Today i didnt snack but i still ate to much.
Breakfast - unsweetened muesli with 2 strawberries and low fat milk
Lunch - packet of nuts, banana and mandarin
Snack - about 5 homemade small sushi rolls and miso soup, 1x low fat yoghurt
This is all ill eat today! Tomorrow ill hopefully do better, and get my sorry arse into my jogging gear and go for a run...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
2. I have to start trying to fast again, or at least only eating one meal a day!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Ive eaten more in the last week than i have in ages....but i got on the scales and WTF i weighed what normally takes me two days of half arsed fasting to achieve! I dont get it at all. So i ended up binging a bit tonight. And of course i tried to purge but no luck. It wasnt coming back up!
Ive decided im going to take a new approach. I want to be hell skinny thats for sure. But i realise fasting isnt going to get me there, at the moment im just not cut out for it. But im not completely ruling it out.
Instead what im going to do is a controled eating plan. Im going to eat breakfast (something healthy), as i feel this is very important meal. And for lunch ill have something light like a peice of fruit or what not. Than for dinner will be early in the afternoon and it'll be something healthy say salad and tuna or salad and skinless chicken breast...and maybe a idaho patatoe if im feeling generous. This may seem like a lot of food but its similar to what i did in high school and that got me down to 54kg from 61 sooo its gotta work. I'll also try and exercise! I am not an exercise person i HATE it! But in the name of being thin...ill do anything.
We'll see how this goes, things might get a little more intense when i move out of home in 2 weeks ...cant wait !!!
Good luck with the weight loss ladies!!! xx
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I cant believe that the final inspiration that tipped me over the 'oh i want to fast and not eat alot' to actually doing it came from one of my pro ana blogs i always read. Check this out i recomend it to anyone who needs that final kick in the right direction!
Warning: its pretty intense dont read if your not sure your ready to embrace this kind of life.
Also i found this awesome site http://www.calorieking.com/. Its great! It works out the calories of everything you ate right down to the very gram! Im inlove...
Stay strong girls
So i woke up and didnt eat anything until my dad brought that same sandwich he had yesterday and insisted i eat some! So i had a bite damn! Any way i had an apple and a banana through out the day becasue i was just so friggen hungry! And than for my main meal i had sushi again with miso soup. Im not sure how bad miso soup is but i presume its not great in the calorie department.. :(
But im doing sooooo much better, im really happy with myself and im eating slower and with lots of water inbetween bites, i couldnt even finish my sushi (which wasnt much at all) and im sooooo full!
I really want to be under 60kg before i go back to my home town! I hate in photos when you see the fat around my face errr! And today i was wearing old trackpants and i saw my shadow against the wall - my arse looked ENORMOUS! It was digusting!
One more thing i have to mention is dont you fucking HATE it when you sit next to someone fat and you can hear them breathing heavy and pursing their lips and just errr its GROSS i hate it. And ive had to sit next to some FAT arse man every morning this week...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I did plan to fast today butttttt i decided not to, its a cop out and i do feel a bit like a failure however my father brought me sushi and i cant say no to sushi!!! I LOVE sushi!! And i was going to eat a banana tonight anyway ....
So thats all im going to eat today, well that and i had one bite of my dads sandwich (casue he wouldnt leave me alone about it) and like 5 grapes.Yay this is sooooo good for me. Tomorrow im going to do the same. Not eat until 6pm at night or something!
I weighted myself just before and i was down to 61.5 - thats what i was before i left for my hometown on my birthday. Im going to do this only eating one meal a day thing for as long as i can with maybe a whole day of fasting in there somewhere. Its just hard for my parents not to notice, they're so use to me being a bottomless pit. Err distgusting
I want to be 59 before i move back to my home town. I know i can do it and from there...its only down baby! I will be skinny, I will lose all the fat in my face, my arse, my thighs, my tummy will be flat!
ps i spoke to that girl who wanted to bash me on friday night and aplogized...it was weird but im glad i did it. But i honestly cant wait to get the fuck out of this city!
Monday, May 4, 2009
I dont remember being like that, but than i never remember anything when i get drunk. Apparently i pissed this one chick off so much she wanted to bash me and had to go away and sober up so she wouldnt hit me. I dont remember that at all, although i do remember my mentality being really angry and frustrated. I didnt want to be with them, but i didnt want to be home alone and i guess i just lost control. The big smoke is really getting to me i cant handle it down here with no friends, no job and nothing to do all day. I want to go back to my home town. Im tired of being a hermit! And im becoming really depressed...maybe there is a way of channeling this sorrow into weight loss?
Today I did better again. Im trying hard not to snack but its really hard, im like a cow i just graze!
Breakfast: Cereal with milk and strawberries
Lunch: Salad and tuna, 1/2 bake patatoe
Snacks: apple, grapes, 1x cookie, 1x cracker, carrot stick
I'll try my hardest not to eat anything else today and i also went for a 90min walk today so....
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs and bake beans
Lunch: chicken salad sandwich
Dinner: noodles with veggies (thrown up)
Snacks: 2x cookie and 3x crackers
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Last night I went out drinking and I met a fucking skinny ass chick. I was talking to her and I couldn't help but notice on her right hand, on her pointer and middle knuckles she had big red sores, like the sores I use to get on my knuckles when I tried sooooooo hard to throw up every ounce of disgusting food in my stomach. I just wanted to have her body shape so much! I wish I had fucking discipline. I wish my mother would say to me I need to start eating more.
She took a photo of this morning of me in my underwear while I was preparing my fucking breakfast, I laughed but when I looked at the photo my arse was fucking huge. I was so upset. WTF is wrong with me....JUST STOP EATING!
I want to learn how to count calories. But I don’t know the first thing about it! I want to exercise more...but I’m to fucking lazy. In short I’m my own worst enemy.
I just wish I could snap my fingers and weigh next to nothing. I wish all my clothes would be falling off me. I wish for hip bones and skinny mother fucking legs. I wish I wish I wish....
Midnight snack: chicken drumstick
Breakfast: half a piece of bread with peanut butter and 2x weatbix with banana and honey and milk
Lunch: popcorn and large diet soda (I went t the movies)
Dinner: Salad and salmon cake
Snacks: million x crackers, cookies and other crap!
God I’m not even trying. I should just quit and be a fucking fat slob! Why don’t I care? Why do I eat and eat and eat and then suddenly feel guilty...I'm fucking stuck in a circle of filth and I don’t care enough to get out of it but just enough to feel guilty. Every night I say ill start tomorrow, will cut back my intake, ill do this, ill do that...I never fucking do.
A complete failure that is me!