Round & Round

He is with her in turkey. Another overseas holiday. Another tick to my pathetic book of self torture. Why i facebook stalk him? Why i facebook stalk her? I know its unhealthy. I know i have this unhealthy obsession with all of my ex boyfriends. I can recognized it but i cant change it. Its disgusting. Im disgusted in myself, in my behavior. I want to stop it. But im addicted - like a drug addict. Its so bad for me but all i can think of is my next hit. 

Its starting again. I wont let myself get to that stage again. I will be skinny. I will be beautiful. My face has started to puff. My legs have started to "tree trunk". I have the inspiration i need.

I need to slow down on my eating patterns. Im working a lot so im eating anything and everything i see. I first need to shrink my stomach. Than i can slowly reduce what i shove into my mouth. I want to be beautiful so desperately on the outside i think that its rotting the inside.... Lord help me be the best person i can. Because this half  shell of a person isnt enough anymore and im so scared the darkness is creeping back, back inside of me.