Tuesday, June 16, 2009

up chuck

Tonight i throw up half my dinner and all my desert.

If i ever managed to have even the slightest of ana... ive lost her

I still throw up my food sometimes ...but mia isnt my friend

I weigh no more no less, but my life is changing all the time since i moved back to my home town.

Ive met a new man but im not sure about him...

My ex stayed over the other night. We got drunk and he slept in the same bed as me. We used together and i havent got high since august 2008.

He text me the next day saying he cant stop thinking about me...And before that i havent heard or seen him since he walked out on me over a year ago.

Ive got a new job, and its soooo intense! Mon - Fri 40hrs a week!

My share house i moved into is...so many things. Great and Horrible, fun and in your face yet awkward and fragile.

I just want some stability, something permanent in my life that i know wont change quickly. Something positive and permanent.

Im scared that nothing i have now will last and everything will come crashing down. Change is good but this much change is hard to handle.

...And im still to fat!

Current weight as of Saturday morning - 60.5kg

Thursday, June 4, 2009


I failed miserable at my fast today.

I just had breakfast - big bowl of muesli with low fat yogurht and skim milk.

But i got my period today and i feel mega sick...that counts doesnt it?

Im going to try and make this my only meal today, if i get hungry its diet coke and water!

fingers crossed i can do it!!


Fast & Booze

Well yesterday i tried to fast. But the girl im living with made me go out with her for lunch so i was forced to eat something.

But i was good. All i ate yesterday was half a salad. Unfortunitaly than i went out and got on the piss with an empty stomach. And of course knowing me i never know when enough is enough and i got completely shit faced and ended up calling the night to an end early, going back to my mates place and chucking my guts up. lovely...

Today i had a mega hang over so of course i ate like a horse. I really want more food but im going to try and not eat anything else. Ive already had two low fat cookies and more than a handful of doritos..err what was i thinking? I also had a tuna salad roll and 2x miso soup - blow out!

Tomorrow i will try and fast again. Im moving into my new place tomorrow and working so i should be able to keep my mind off food. I really dying to know how much i weigh and if all this alcahol is making me fat.

Ive got another date with handsome man on saturday. He seems really keen, but im to scared to trust him. I cant understand why such a gorgeous looking man would be interested in me? What do i have to give seriously?

Nothing is the answer. And he's full big on eating right and not drinking or doing drugs. So i feel so inadiquit around him! I have terrible eating issues! I binge hard out than some days dont eat anything at all...thats not healthy. He said he pigged out massively and he had 3 plates of sushi...wtf? And i LOVE drinking! Adore it! And use to be a dirty junkie. (well not really a junkie but ...well yes actually i cant deny it).

I dunno im just scared he's gonna look at me and say your not skinny or pretty enough to be my trophy girlfriend. Cause i swear to god he looks like he should date thoughs ano fashionable pretty girls i want to be :( Im scared im going to let myself like him and he'll fuck me over just as the last 6 guys have. Errr....

Must not eat!

Must be skinny & pretty!

Monday, June 1, 2009

New Town, Same Old Habits

Im sorry i havent writen in here in so long. I've moved up to my home town again (which isnt really a town its a massive city) and ive been heaps busy. To busy infact to put enough thought into my eating habits. So its a new town with the same old eat everything in site sort of behaviour.

I've been drinking like a fish as well and when i have a hang over well thats like having the munchies for me. Like i smoked six million bongs and ten jays all at once and i have this insatiable hunger that wont go away.

LOVE drinking....hate being hung over and eating myself out of house and home the next day!

I havent really lost any weight or put any on, but its hard to tell for sure because i dont have scales where im staying at the moment.

Im totally stressed out about trying to find a place to live aswell! House hunting is really wearing me down!

But on the plus side - im with all my friends again and they're really making me feel like i was missed.


I went on a date the other day with an absolutely GORGEOUS man! :D

This is highly unlike me to be so happy! Sometimes i seriously think i have mild bi-polar (if there is such a thing). I get really fucking sad and depressed and than about a couple of weeks to a month later im happy again. Its fucked up!

And this happiness its making me eat and not care! No this has to stop. Im glad i came back on and checked my blog.

But Ive got no excuse to keep eating now. I'm sorry ive failed you guys so much! Im away from the watchful stare of my folks and im my own independant person again. I will loose some gosh damn fat! I will be that skinny girl others are jealous of!

And lastly, welcome to my new followers arrrgh i feel so special! And to the girls who comented my blog thank you so much! It means the world to me that you take the time to read my blog, because i always read yours even if i dont comment. And you guys are such an inspiration to me! And to jamie i wish i could comment you back but for some reason i cant access your site and im on a family friends computer so i dont want the history to be pulled up...that'd be so awkward! Ill try to check it out later this week!

Good luck ladies! xo