Friday, June 22, 2012

Round & Round

He is with her in turkey. Another overseas holiday. Another tick to my pathetic book of self torture. Why i facebook stalk him? Why i facebook stalk her? I know its unhealthy. I know i have this unhealthy obsession with all of my ex boyfriends. I can recognized it but i cant change it. Its disgusting. Im disgusted in myself, in my behavior. I want to stop it. But im addicted - like a drug addict. Its so bad for me but all i can think of is my next hit. 

Its starting again. I wont let myself get to that stage again. I will be skinny. I will be beautiful. My face has started to puff. My legs have started to "tree trunk". I have the inspiration i need.

I need to slow down on my eating patterns. Im working a lot so im eating anything and everything i see. I first need to shrink my stomach. Than i can slowly reduce what i shove into my mouth. I want to be beautiful so desperately on the outside i think that its rotting the inside.... Lord help me be the best person i can. Because this half  shell of a person isnt enough anymore and im so scared the darkness is creeping back, back inside of me.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Never Ending Circle

Its a never ending circle. Im not sure when its suppose to get easier. When we find ourselves looking at our lives with happiness and satisfaction. When we stop being second and start being first. First in our jobs, in our friendships, in our relationships.

Im forever second. Second to be considered for a position, second friend to be called, second in love - Always second. Im never the girl they love, only the girl they have for seconds. How can i break this circle? How can i be their number one. His number one.

Why do i get myself into this mess. When will i be who i want to be. Skinny, beautiful, happy.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Colour and Life

It is this way. When we are most upset we have the most power to be thin. He is with her. On holiday. In mexico. He led me on for 6 months. I had to beg him to take me to the movies. He is with her for less than 2 months. He took her to a beach resort on another continent.

And so it is that im unhappy and un hungry. And i dont know which is worse? Fat and happy or skinny and desperately miserable. Can there be an in between?

Such are the colours of my life. He is not the first. And he will not be the last to shatter my heart.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


Im not well. I know that. I dont have anorexia. But im not of sane mind when it comes to losing weight and how i see myself. I know this because i was looking at thinspo and i came upon this reversal.

Immediately i felt sick. Sad. Unhappy. Just looking at it makes me feel disgusting. I actually feel physically ill when i see this picture and I cannot believe that i will ever be like this! I dissected this picture in my head. The way her tummy fat rolls like a donut in the middle. The way her clothes dont fit her and pucker and pull along the waist band. The fact that she is wearing dreary, ugly gray clothes because she no longer feels sexy enough to wear fashion.

Than i saw this

And immediately I felt better. This photo makes me happy. Is that wrong? Am i sick? I dont know. I dont wish these thoughts on anyone else. Because its not a happy state of mind im in. But i want this so bad it hurts. And i wont give up. I cant give up. Xx


This is Thinspiration. This is everything i desire. This is perfection!


I really like thinspo. But i love artistic thinspo. There are a lot of beautiful pictures on this girls blog. I thought id share it with you. Xx

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Legs Thinspo

My Legs are my biggest weakness so ive put these pictures up to inspire

This last picture is the pinicle of everything a woman should be.
Beauitul hair,
Beautiful skin,
Skinny legs,
small ass,
Small shoulder
tiny waist
Skinny arms

Fat Foto

I went to a house party last night. They took photos. I look so fat. My arms are ssoooo fat. My face is fat. Thank god my legs were covered under a skirt so you couldnt see how fat they were or i might have cried. Im suppose to be loosing weight but its not working. I dont understand why i cant stop eating, and im tired of saying the same thing over and over without making any kind of difference.

I need to do this, im just scared people will notice and get angry at me. But im scared to actually do the ana tactics so they dont notice becasue i dont want to go in that deep... or do i?

I need to make a choice. Do i want to be skinny or do i want to stay the fat tube of lard i am?
No i want to be skinny! I want people to say "wow look how much weight she's lost!" When i go back overseas. I want my ex to think i look stunning. So he wont make any more fat jokes. No more treating me like a second rate girl he just hangs out with then there is nothing else to do. I want him to want me. Desire me. I want to be skinny... I want this so bad. Why cant i just take it!!!!!!????

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Desire is to be thin,
Desire is to be skin and bone,
Desire will be happiness!
Dont eat, Don't love and it wont hurt!

Life is beautiful when seen through thin eyes.
Life is beautiful when detached from the world.
From yourself, From your loss.
From everything that has caused you pain.

Why relive it every day when you can be beautiful
You can be thin!
You can be everything you ever wanted all you need is not to eat.
And you can achieve it, you can find happiness.
Its there waiting for you to take it.

Come back ana
Come back mia
Come back lovely me

The unhappiness haunts me and im never rid of it...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Swing of It

I cant get into the swing of it. I cant stop over eating. I delude myself into thinking i havent eaten that much. But than i use to eat less than 300 cals a day. God knows how many i eat now.

Last night i through up because i ate to much, i havent lost any weight since i came back last year and im miserable when i see photos of my old self. I dont know what to do or how to fix myself.

Help me....

Saturday, January 14, 2012


I've lost.
And there is nothing i can do.
I could be skin and bone,
But i cant change my face.
Maybe if i was more beautiful he wouldnt have left me.
He would have waited.
Why do i care so much?
He's always been this way

He is with her, and nothing i do will change that
I hope he fucks it up with her like he fucked it up with me
Like he fucked it up with the girl he was with before me
Like he fucked up his life.

I barely ate today.
Im not hungry
I feel sick.
I wish for skin and bone.
I wish for happiness
I wish for him

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Im so completely unhappy i feel if i can make myself skinny, really skinny, than ill be happy. Ill look in the mirror and like what i see. I wont look at old photos and wish for the past. I will stop comparing myself to others happiness.
I will just be.
I will be skinny.
I will be happy.

How do i find the courage to succeed?
Have patients, work hard, dont cheat!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year

A New Year
A New Beginning
A New Me

62.5 kg