Friday, September 24, 2010

I wish i had legs like this

Just when i think its getting Better

Just when i think things are getting better they fall apart again. On the outside nothing changes. But on inside im constantly struggling with myself to be happy with who i am and what i represent. Im so stressed out about finding a job and a place to live. About feeling wanted and excepted. Feeling valued. Feeling sexy and fashionable. When i know those last two matter the least they're what i want the most. I ate so much over the last week. Today i ate four pieces of bacon and 6 pieces of toast, two bowls of muesli and a bowl of soup. I cant stop eating. Its just ridiculous. And i feel i am so fat, i feel ugly and undesirable. But the idea of starving myself is so depressing. Eating is the only thing that makes me happy at the moment. But its not making me happy in the long run. I need to do more exercise. I need to eat less. I need a job. I need money. I need a place to live. I need a life....But most of all i need to forgive myself for what i've done but i cant!

I am selfish. I am horrible human being. I should have just gone home and cut my holiday short when i found out i was pregnant and had my baby. It would have been a different life, but it would have been a life with my child. And ill never get that chance again. Oh god i just...i dont know... what have i done?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Monday, September 13, 2010


I got really fucked up with my manager( of one week) this past saturday. We got high as kites together in his room above our work which has cctv everywhere, kissed and just broke all the rules. Now i must find a new job, a new place to live. I cant go back there! Im so ashamed.

And im so fucking stupid...what is wrong with me? I feel so dirty and so down on myself.

Where are my brains to say no? This is wrong. I didnt want to kiss him, i felt like i had to. I could have said no and i did, but he got offended and if he kicked me out i was stuck in the middle of the city with no where to go. And he kept freaking out, cause he couldnt handle the high. He got so paranoid, kept twitching standing up sitting down running down the stairs running up the was fucking weird! And because i was so high i told my manager of one week i murdered my chid and i use to be a No one knows this one. And now almost a complete stranger knows was i thinking? How do i get myself in these situations? I feel so wrong, so slutty sooo stupid. We only kissed but im revolted by him and all men in general after what has happened. Im truly scared from my really fucking messed up in the head at the moment! Im not dealing with it well at all.

At least i didnt eat for over 24hrs...

Thursday, September 9, 2010


As disgusting as it i write this im dreaming of going into the kitchen and eating half a loaf of bread! Truly i do not have even the remotest form of an ED any more.

I wish i could be skinny, but i love eating so much. How unfortunate that i have to be one of those people who eat for comfort. I wish i was those lucky people who cant eat when they're depressed. But than im not really just sad.

Sad that im so far from home. So far from everything i know and love - Lovelyme in a foreign country! Working, living...eating.

Sad that im fat and i dont care, sad that ive had to grow up so much over the last 3 months that i'll never have that innocence back.

Sad that before i left, i stupidly started a relationship with my ex again. Sad that we admitted we "loved" each other. Sad that its now finally and irreversible over. Sad that he couldnt be a real man and start a family with me. Sad that because of him i murdered our unborn child. Sad that he couldnt care less about it. Sad that he left me to go back to her. Sad that she is so beautiful and so skinny! Sad that he is with her now and doesn't break down in silent tears every time he sees a baby or a pregnant woman. Sad that he doesn't think about me everyday as i think of him. Sad that the only people i can tell are the on the otherside of a computer screen.

And sad that I cant forgive myself for what i've done ...and for still being hopelessly in love with him.