Friday, September 24, 2010

Just when i think its getting Better

Just when i think things are getting better they fall apart again. On the outside nothing changes. But on inside im constantly struggling with myself to be happy with who i am and what i represent. Im so stressed out about finding a job and a place to live. About feeling wanted and excepted. Feeling valued. Feeling sexy and fashionable. When i know those last two matter the least they're what i want the most. I ate so much over the last week. Today i ate four pieces of bacon and 6 pieces of toast, two bowls of muesli and a bowl of soup. I cant stop eating. Its just ridiculous. And i feel i am so fat, i feel ugly and undesirable. But the idea of starving myself is so depressing. Eating is the only thing that makes me happy at the moment. But its not making me happy in the long run. I need to do more exercise. I need to eat less. I need a job. I need money. I need a place to live. I need a life....But most of all i need to forgive myself for what i've done but i cant!

I am selfish. I am horrible human being. I should have just gone home and cut my holiday short when i found out i was pregnant and had my baby. It would have been a different life, but it would have been a life with my child. And ill never get that chance again. Oh god i just...i dont know... what have i done?


Jamie said...

what happened to your baby?

lovelyme said...

i ...i ...i just thought i couldn't keep it. The father left me for another woman and said he wasnt ready, said we should get rid of it. I was confused, i shouldn't have listened to him. I should have followed my heart. And now my heart is so empty as my womb :'(