Thursday, September 9, 2010


As disgusting as it i write this im dreaming of going into the kitchen and eating half a loaf of bread! Truly i do not have even the remotest form of an ED any more.

I wish i could be skinny, but i love eating so much. How unfortunate that i have to be one of those people who eat for comfort. I wish i was those lucky people who cant eat when they're depressed. But than im not really just sad.

Sad that im so far from home. So far from everything i know and love - Lovelyme in a foreign country! Working, living...eating.

Sad that im fat and i dont care, sad that ive had to grow up so much over the last 3 months that i'll never have that innocence back.

Sad that before i left, i stupidly started a relationship with my ex again. Sad that we admitted we "loved" each other. Sad that its now finally and irreversible over. Sad that he couldnt be a real man and start a family with me. Sad that because of him i murdered our unborn child. Sad that he couldnt care less about it. Sad that he left me to go back to her. Sad that she is so beautiful and so skinny! Sad that he is with her now and doesn't break down in silent tears every time he sees a baby or a pregnant woman. Sad that he doesn't think about me everyday as i think of him. Sad that the only people i can tell are the on the otherside of a computer screen.

And sad that I cant forgive myself for what i've done ...and for still being hopelessly in love with him.


zette said...

i can't eat when i'm upset. it's actually frustrating at times. cheer up, darling. i'm sure it'll straighten out soon. hang in there.


Claire said...

I have been thinking about your post ever since I read it yesterday. The issues in your life are very intense, I am not sure what consolation I can offer, except to say that I understand how you feel.

Eating is a very theraputic thing, and I also tend to eat when I am upset. You have a lot of pain to deal with right now. The space the boyfriend and pregnancy left is a huge whole to fill. I know how a loaf of bread might make you feel some escape, at least for a time.

Food comfort is fleeting, however. Other forms of self-care can be more fuffiling. I donlt know what those are for you- we each have to discover them for ourselves. For me, I feel better when I write my feelings out here, when I photograph to make a statement, when I shop, when I get a massage, when I go to the ocean, when I swim.

Pain unreleased can fester into a greater chasm within you. It is good that you are allowing yourself to feel the pain of these harsh events.

Men will come in and out of your life. If this guy chose not to be a father, in his own time he will have to deal with the regret of that decision. He will surely do the same selfish acts to the new girl he is with.

Having a baby is a life changing experience. (I know!) Once you are a mother you lose your freedom, your free will, and your young life. I know that nothing will heal the pain of a decision as difficult as the one you made, but I believe that all things happen when they are meant to. That baby wasn't meant to come into your life right now, with that man as the father. One day you will get another chance, with a man that makes you feel like flying and who will be the best father a man can be.
Enjoy your freedom and youth. The baby will come again, one day.

My thoughts are with you.