Overwhelming

Sometimes its a bit overwhelming...and i dont know where to turn.

Lately ive been getting depressed again. And i know thats not a good thing

But secretly i am happy for that means that im going to take loosing weight seriously.

I dont know what triggers it, but i cant hide this darkness...

thats plagued me since i started this blog.

And i dont want to write about misery's of what ive done and what ive been throw, cause im not the only one. And this is only the start, im not suicidal...i have a long life ahead of me

and i want to live a skinny life. A Beautiful life

I want people to say as i turn my back

"wow she's lost so much weight hasnt she?"

I want to be that girl that doesnt eat very much and people look at her funny.

The beautiful one...

Last night i throw up. I made food, ate it, and throw it up in a rage of guilt...

all within 40minutes. This morning my stomach as flat.

I am happy for this...

Im scared my depression will get worse...and im scared i cant hide it, and im happy i will be skinny, beautiful, thin...and people will want me

i will want me

This is a fantastic thinsipiration site...take a look

http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com/

Its been a while...

Its been a while since i wrote in here...and a lot of things have happened. Good and Bad. Im trying to keep a positive attitude towards life, but its always difficult to be the person you want to be when its so easy to be the negative lazy git that comes naturally.

Ive been pigging out lately. Im living and working in london now...which is just what i wanted 6 months ago. But its so cold over here that my body is going into hibernation and my mind is saying EAT EAT EAT! and so what have i done? eat eat eat!!!

I weigh about 64kg right now. Its disgusting. I cant fit some of my jeans from home, tights that were loose are tight, ive got cellulite out of control and im still so hungry for comfort food. And im putting a stop to it starting yesterday. My new eating routine is not going to be ana-ish. Ive got to start slow and if i try to not eat im just gonna go mental. So im eating a good breakfast. Weetbix and banana with a tiny bit of honey, or some muesli with skim milk. Than i might eat a boiled egg or apple during the day. Than at night im only going to eat soup. Im cutting out bread and pasta which ive been living on lately. And im going to cut down my sugar intake. Only allow myself a treat on the weekends. One small chocolate bar or cookie or something. Just so i dont go mental. And thats all i need.

Today ive done okay, just wondering how ill go with dinner tonight at my work. I know they'll serve up some disgusting pasta and ill be like nnnnnarrrrmmmmmyyyyy! Blah im so fat now a days. When i look back i almost want to cry. I need thinspiration constantly. I want skinny legs and a small cute bum! I want my arms to be thin and i want the fluid in my face to go away!

I know i can do this! I want to be 57kg...than we'll see if i can get skinnier but for the mean time id be happy just under 60!

Good luck girls, i hope you've been holding stronger than me

Xx

I wish i had legs like this

Just when i think its getting Better

Just when i think things are getting better they fall apart again. On the outside nothing changes. But on inside im constantly struggling with myself to be happy with who i am and what i represent. Im so stressed out about finding a job and a place to live. About feeling wanted and excepted. Feeling valued. Feeling sexy and fashionable. When i know those last two matter the least they're what i want the most. I ate so much over the last week. Today i ate four pieces of bacon and 6 pieces of toast, two bowls of muesli and a bowl of soup. I cant stop eating. Its just ridiculous. And i feel i am so fat, i feel ugly and undesirable. But the idea of starving myself is so depressing. Eating is the only thing that makes me happy at the moment. But its not making me happy in the long run. I need to do more exercise. I need to eat less. I need a job. I need money. I need a place to live. I need a life....But most of all i need to forgive myself for what i've done but i cant!

I am selfish. I am horrible human being. I should have just gone home and cut my holiday short when i found out i was pregnant and had my baby. It would have been a different life, but it would have been a life with my child. And ill never get that chance again. Oh god i just...i dont know... what have i done?

Moving on

Post deleted

Stupid

I got really fucked up with my manager( of one week) this past saturday. We got high as kites together in his room above our work which has cctv everywhere, kissed and just broke all the rules. Now i must find a new job, a new place to live. I cant go back there! Im so ashamed.

And im so fucking stupid...what is wrong with me? I feel so dirty and so down on myself.

Where are my brains to say no? This is wrong. I didnt want to kiss him, i felt like i had to. I could have said no and i did, but he got offended and if he kicked me out i was stuck in the middle of the city with no where to go. And he kept freaking out, cause he couldnt handle the high. He got so paranoid, kept twitching standing up sitting down running down the stairs running up the stairs...it was fucking weird! And because i was so high i told my manager of one week i murdered my chid and i use to be a druggie...wtf? No one knows this shit...no one. And now almost a complete stranger knows it...wtf was i thinking? How do i get myself in these situations? I feel so wrong, so slutty sooo stupid. We only kissed but im revolted by him and all men in general after what has happened. Im truly scared from my ex...im really fucking messed up in the head at the moment! Im not dealing with it well at all.

At least i didnt eat for over 24hrs...

Sad

As disgusting as it is...as i write this im dreaming of going into the kitchen and eating half a loaf of bread! Truly i do not have even the remotest form of an ED any more.

I wish i could be skinny, but i love eating so much. How unfortunate that i have to be one of those people who eat for comfort. I wish i was those lucky people who cant eat when they're depressed. But than im not really depressed...im just sad.

Sad that im so far from home. So far from everything i know and love - Lovelyme in a foreign country! Working, living...eating.

Sad that im fat and i dont care, sad that ive had to grow up so much over the last 3 months that i'll never have that innocence back.

Sad that before i left, i stupidly started a relationship with my ex again. Sad that we admitted we "loved" each other. Sad that its now finally and irreversible over. Sad that he couldnt be a real man and start a family with me. Sad that because of him i murdered our unborn child. Sad that he couldnt care less about it. Sad that he left me to go back to her. Sad that she is so beautiful and so skinny! Sad that he is with her now and doesn't break down in silent tears every time he sees a baby or a pregnant woman. Sad that he doesn't think about me everyday as i think of him. Sad that the only people i can tell are the on the otherside of a computer screen.

And sad that I cant forgive myself for what i've done ...and for still being hopelessly in love with him.

Long Time

Hey i know its been a long time since i posted...but im still alive!

For a while there i gave up on being thin. I just didnt care any more too much stuff was going on with work, with my ex, with family i just didnt have time to think..."how thin am i?"

But lately i quit my HATED job, and have had at least 3 weeks off and im ready to accept the discipline of being thin back into my life. And the best thing is ive not been insatiably huunngry. And its winter where i am! The most time of year to eat and im like....nah not hungry at the moment. I know its different this time because before i couldnt leave anything on my plate, specially if i brought it. I was like "i paid for this food i MUST eat it!!!" but nowits like...eat slowly! Im not hungry! leave it! Dont eat it!

Its great, and i know im not there yet but its a start. Tonight i wanted to go get a big mac with bacon and i was like i dont need it! I can live without that, and i did. I just walked home. And im hungry now and there is food i could eat in the fridge not 1ometers away but i dont want it. I want to be painfully skinny. I want to be gorgeous,i want my clothes to fall off me! I want to be that girl that everyone is like "omg i wish i could be that skinny...how do you do it?"

And hopefully one day i will be her!

I'm going to south east asia in 4 days...we'll see how i go overseas with all that cheap yummy food! Bah bet i;ll put on a millon kilos but you know what i've heard? In thailand you dont need a script for valium or!!! get this!!! DIET PILLS!!! and they;re suppose to be real diet pills that you cant get here in australia! No half ass stuff its like speed in a capsul! Im gonna go hard...loose 10kg if i can, than go to the UK and try and keep it off. Do you reckon i can do it? Maybe 10 is pushing it but at least 5....AT LEAST FIVE!!

Hope you girls are doing better than i am. Im just getting back on the train and ive missed you ana ...deeply! Done to my bones.

I want to be Thin!
I want to be gorgeous!
I want to be skin and bones!

Xx

Its been a while

So its been a while, and ive been really lazy. So much shit has gone down i cant even begin to explain. Im sorry ive been so lazy with my posts. I've become a lazy fat bitch and i can feel it. Worse news is i put on like 3 or 4 kg. I can feeeeeeel it. In my face. And see it in my dirty cellulite legs..... ItS GROSS!

Other than that i fucked my ex! Thats right ladies and gentle men i fucked my ex! The man i am obessed with, the man i am completely and utterly addicted to. I fucked him not once not twice but three times in one night (and morning)! I know i know i can hear you now i shouldnt've done it but i couldnt help it he was being completely lovable! He was sending me txt messages saying he missed me, sending me messages saying oh i hope we can meet after work if only for two seconds i just wanna see your face. (VOMIT!)

I was so fooled. I was like oh his girlfriend went back to japan, he must really like me im not second best, im not taking sloppy seconds. Wow this is all i ever wanted (CHUCK VOMIT GROSS)

Than it all went down we went on a date than again than i met up with him and fucked him....Than he didnt contact or call me for a whole week! From txting like 5 times a day to zip. nuddah...nothing! I was so fucking cut!

So i wrote him an angry email and abused him in a very mature very im the bigger person than you way! I said we shouldnt talk or see each other again. He wrote back apoligizing profusely but it was to late. Than it was my 21st and who should fucking txt me right on 12 oclock 27th of april...fucking ex bf!

I hate him but i love him. I wanna tell him i love him. I wanna tell him i cheated on him too. I wanna tell him to leave her and come back to me. I wanna tell him lets get married lets have babies!

Oh im a such physco bitch. I Still havent contacted him since i wrote that email. Im letting it stew. I probably will contact him next week though. Hmm ....

On the other hand i met my rebounds gf tonight. Yes while i was away i met another man, a kiwi. Lets call him kiwi! So kiwi and i work together. And the man has the nicest smile in the whole wide world. Seriously melt at the knees smile. Handsome man. However kiwi has the smallest dick ive ever seen. And he cant use it for shit. Very dissappointing. Any way i am slightly intoxicated as i write this because last night i went out with people from my bar job and got drunk. Kiwi turned up with his stupid girlfriend and i turned on the charm. Instead of storming away i was incredibly nice to her. She has no idea of course that him and i were an item for a couple weeks. And i think it made kiwi very nevours! HA! good i hate men. Seriously ever guy i liked leaves me for another girl or just fucking ruins me!

I cant just put it on them. Its gotta be my fault. I cant have this bad luck with men! I think i do something. Do i give it up to easily? yes! Am i a physco bitch that wants attention 24/7? yes!

Oh lord help me. I am fat i am ugly i am so fucking disturbed. Im so fat seriously its digusting. Im in my ana state of mind. Hopefully i can stay there. Im sick of eating and eating and eating and eating!

Dirty fucking food in my mouth! Somebody take away this hole in my face. I dont need it

Oh lord i think i need to throw up...oh wait i already did....

Same shit different day.

I've been really slack lately! Not only with updating my blog but also with eating and drinking.

Im not so sad anymore, but things havent changed. Maybe the boys have changed maybe the people and the places have changed but its always still the same problems, same issues, same troubles.

Same shit different day.

3 quick things

hey this is just a quick post to say three things

1. i didnt go and see the doc yesterday. i had an appoitment all booked but i cancelled. I can deal with this myself im a big girl!

2. i saw my ex last night. after wanting so bad not to see him, i saw him ....with his Ex! And get this they were waiting at the same bus stop as me, they got on the same bus as me AND they fucking got off at the same bus stop as me! WTF!?

We pretended like we didnt know each other, but secretly i was happy. I looked pretty and skinny and im sure his gf would've scoped me outat least once. I wanna give her some jealousy, something to think about but in all honestly they probs just ignored me!

The thing is i dunno if im in shock, or i just dont care. Normally i would hope this makes him wanna call me blar blar blar but i dont, not this time. I hope he doesnt call me! I still hate him with every cell in my body, but i think im finally getting over him. At least thats the story im sticking to!

AND.....

3. The biggest and best news. All i ate yesteday was

- a peice of toast
- and one nectorean

Heck yes! And i was hungry and i wanted food and i was just like 'no lovely me' and i didnt! so proud of myself!



Im still sad, i still had a lil teary on my pillow last night for about 30seconds last night and to be honest the thought of taking my life did cross my mind breifly again but im keeping these thoughts at bay. I know they're still there lurking in the shadows. I know it'll rear its ugly head again soon, but for the moment im okay. ...and i like that.

No men in my life, no new clothes, i dont like my new haircut and im getting a dirty disgusting coldsore....but for the moment im okay....and i like that.

oops i did it again

oops, i did it again. i went 5 days without stalk booking my ex. I was actually starting to feel ok and forget him...starting...and than i clicked on a mutual friend and saw his pic and he hadnt been on fb for like a month (or so i thought) but of course he had, he just hadnt made any contact with me. He'd commented somone on tuesday so i looked at him and it all came flooding back..i'm so stupid! I undid all my hard work.

The fucked up thing is i dont miss him per say, i just miss "something". I dont know what it is, i cant put my finger on it.

My hair is still falling out in handfuls. But im going to see a doc about my sadness today. I gonna feel so stupid i know! But i cried at work again the other day, and again when i was walking home yesterday for no reason. im disinterested in everything work, clothes, friends, eating, going overseas.

This isnt normal, i need help but i feel like fake like if i was really depressed id be locked up. Are there different levels of sadness?

So ana is slowly slowly returning in the way that im eating less and less everyday and that i feel guilty eating anything now. Nothing taste good anymore probably cause im sad but mostly because i feel to guilty to enjoy it.

Yesterday i had once peice of toast for breakfast than a salad for lunch and no dinner. Ill do the same again today.

Im workin in my old job at the bar tonight. I hope i do well, and dont fuck up. I know what to do but its been almost a year, im gonna be a lil rusty and like its right next to were i met my ex - his old bar he worked at.

Hope things are okay tonight....hope i can be happy and skinny!

...

So i cant keep a promise to myself to fast, or to keep up the jogging or not eat bad foods or stop stalkbooking my ex and thinking about him every day and wondering if i hadda told him i was inlove with him when he said it to me, would it have made a difference or would he still have left me for that other girl....

But i can keep a promise to God, i havent eaten any sweets or treats or sugary drinks or pastries or cakes or ice cream...nothing! Since the 17th, and before anyone who's heaps religious gets angry at me and says im doing this for the wrong reasons dont even bother - i dont wanna hear it. (I'm not religious really anyway...im spiritual with a christian twang cause i went to a catholic school)

Any way i do it every year increasing the things i cant have that tempt me the most. I enjoy the challenge, i enjoy that im doing it to prove my love to God and i enjoy that it helps make me thin!

So anyway i was really happy when i weighed myself the other night and saw i was only 56kg but i reckon thats cause im heaps dehydrated. I reckon i put it all back on but the fan-fucking-tastic news is i washed and brushed myhair today and only like a normal amount of hair came out!

Im sooooo fucking happy!!!!...but than im not. I cried at the doctors the other day, she was like are you stressed? Are you sad or anything...and i fuckign started crying. I felt like such a loser, but i couldnt stop. I feel like a faker. Like im putting this saddness on. But im not. Its always lying there, underneath everything. Waiting in the shadows. Its there when im out with friends, its there when im at work, when im sitting on the bus, when im here blogging, watching tv, walking the dog, its everywhere....and no where.

I cant shake it. I cant get rid of it. But its not strong enough or big enough to do anything about. It sort of comes in waves but never strong enough to think i should see a doc directly about it.

But I came to realise today that im lonely. I feel so alone all the time. Even when im with people i am alone. I try to hide from the loneliness and the saddness, through makeup and buying new clothes and drinking and clubbing and doing anything that is ascetically pleasing or just mentally and physically takes my mind away.

But its always there, i cant shake it. And so I thought of a new way to die today, jump off the bridge i cross everyday. It constantly shocks me when i catch myself thinking about ways to take my life. I wonder does anyone else look at everyday things and think what i think? How much would it hurt to cut your wrists? Would it be to hard to find a gun and blow my fucking brains out along with all the stress and the sadness and my fat fucking life onto the wall behind me?

Would God let me in heaven if i commited suicide? Would my family be okay?

I hope these thoughts go away soon, and i hope i can be happy again soon. I dont want to die. I want to travel the world and fall inlove!

If im skinny skinny deathly skinny ill be happy...right? ...right?

omg

omg... im drunk so fucking drunk

but i just weighed myself.....

im fucking 56kg....

fifty fucking six


love
hope
fear

shit

shit..i should have looked at my thinspo before i ate not after!

I did okay today though, im not fasting im not strong enough but im trying to eat less. Today i had 3x peice of toast, 2x carrot, bowl of soup and 2xbiscuits and 3x tea and 1x milo.

Not bad but i still feel like a fat failure. I can feel my love handles above my jeans. See my arms are fatty, my knees touch when i walk.

I washed my hair today, alot fell out. I knew it would but it still scared me.

Today at work i was there but i wasnt there. I kept asking customers the same questions twice, calling them wrong names. I almost cried once...and nothing was even wrong. Just an angry customer but everyone has to deal with that, its no reason to cry.

I wan to take a psych test. I want someone to tell me if its all in my head, or if i am actually fucked up. Do other people feel like this? But feel like what...whats wrong with me?

Besides my sudden onset of general unwellness.... nothing.
Would i be happy if i had a man to pay attention to me, distract me, a realationship to slowly ruin? To fixate on and obesse about?

Another notch on my failures belt?

Goals for 2010

stop stalkbooking my ex
Get down to 55kg by the end of the year
be happy
be stronger
be who i am

Better

First thing first - thank you to all the wonderful people that read and comment my blog...i appreciate your advice and thank you for taking the time to care about an insignificant troubled girl on the otherside of the world!

So i'm feeling a bit better these days. I still feel sad when i am doing nothing and nothing is distracting me from my hollow empty self.

But I'm not pregnant which is such a relief however my hair is still falling out ALOT. Im going to see a doctor on friday about it and hopefully they'll be able to work out why.

I just dont want to be sick and generally unwell anymore. I want to be healthy and happy...and skinny!

My ana mind is coming back, and i am happy. she comes and goes but i miss her when she's not around and she scares me when she is. I feel really fat these days but the scales lie and say im the same.

Ash day wednesday is on the 17th of this month. I'm giving up all sugary treats this includes but is not limited to all the bakey goods my flatmates bring home, ice cream, anything chocolate, sweet ceral, cookies, jam, soft drinks, even sugar in my tea etc! If its got sugar in it, im not eating it!

I cant keep a promise to myself but i can keep one to God. Im not very religious but im spiritual...in a religious way lol. So i do what i can in my own warped way which isnt perfect but it suits me and i feel not so alone when i pray. I know you're suppose to give up something meaningful and deep but i LOVE sugar and its going to be temptation for me everyday and it will aid in my fast track to being thin.

I started jogging again to. If only i could stop eating so much and not feel diZzy when i dont eat. My body isnt use to me starving it like i did today and i felt shit house came home and ate like a horse. Now i feel guilty...but tomorrow is another chance to fast.

ps im scared to wash my hair tomorrow because so much falls out...what is wrong with me?

Weirdo

Today i made a mental list of all the things i wouldnt have to worry about it i wasnt alive...and than i had a reality check and realised what i was doing. This isnt normal! People dont sit on the bus and on their way to work and think about how easy it would be if u were dead...do they?

Is it weird that i think about death almost every day. its not like im not plagued by it. Its just there in the back of my head like oh if i wasnt alive i wouldnt have to think about whether or not i was skinny enough or whether or not i had enough money to make it through the week or if im worthy of any mans attention or if im pretty enough or even what i should wear to work today.

Its so trivial the way i think about it. I dont want to take my life....i just think about it.

I dont want to die. I enjoy life and see beauty in it still...but i am sad underneath it all.

I dont want to stress out like i am. There isnt anything wrong with me but nothing is right. And just for something different my hair is starting to fall out. what.....the....fuck? Im 20 yr old girl, not a fucking 50 yr old man. why is my hair falling out, its stressing me hard!

And my ex is txting and talking to me all the time these days. Im scared because i like it so much. But i dont want to see him because im to fat, i put on weight again. I cant stop eating and now my hair is falling out u can see my scalp.

In short im fucked ladies..i have this cloud continuelly over my head, pressing on my shoulders. i feel hollow i feel empty and im never happy with what i am and what i have. Every day i say i wont eat as much, every day i say ill jog this afternoon and everyday i dont and everyday i feel like a failure.

A Murderous, Selfish Slut.

I dont like that last post. But i wont delete it - what's written is written.

I feel empty now a days. My bestfriend is seeing her boyfriend more and more. And i dont know how to tell her im bored. She wants to postpone the trip overseas. I just want to leave.

Im sick of my boring life. Im sick of thinking about my ex every fucking day and missing him than feeling like a loser.

Im sick of being FAT! Im sick of my job. Im sick of being so hopeless when it comes to men and relationships.

Im sick of complaining....do something about it!

I it weird that when ever i cross the road i think how if i walked a little slower or entered the road a little later would the car hit me? How much would it hurt if the car hit me? Would i die?

And im still late thats almost 2 weeks now... Im eating less though, if i am im killing it slowly.

A Murderous, Selfish Slut.

Welcome to my world.

slut

I've been so neglective of late. So much has happened and i just dont want to write it all down and seem so self involved and up myself...Even though i know i am.

So somehow without dieting and without exercising i dropped 3kg and kept it off...i blame the pill. Mother f*#ker makes me retain so much fluid. Everyone has been saying "lovelyme have you lost weight? geez you need to eat something!" Even my hated ex saw me all dolled up to the max out on the town one night. He said i looked cawaii, and that i'd lost alot of weight. I was like fuck yes bitch look what you missed out on ...bastard!

The crazy thing is i have been eating. Heaps...too much, and all the magical weight loss is starting to slow down! Or maybe its just all the alcahol ive been drinking lately. I drunk like 3 bottles of vodka over 4 days the other week...each bottle helped by another person....and a slab of beer with my girlfriend on australia day.

I eat at night than i feel guilty, i go have a shower and think about throwing up but i cant bring myself to do it, so i just sit in the bottom of the shower thinking about all the dirty fat going to my thighs, tummy, arms, cheeks, ass. It makes me so sad ive decided to cut down how much i eat. Im eating less and less again! Its making me so happy to deny myself food. Tomorrow i'll have no candy or sweets!

Other than that...im like a week and a half late. I took a test but it said i wasnt pregnant. Are those test always right? I dunno how can i be this late? The fucked up thing is ive fucked two different men with no protection this month...so if i am i dont know who the father is...oh lord im a fat fucking slut!

And all i want is my ex to call me and want me back. He calls me alright...but only so he knows im still there to fall back on when his stupid girlfriend goes back home overseas without him! HA mother fucker can go jump! I miss him like all hell...but im over him. sort of.

I dunno...i always want what i cant have!

Any way recent photos of me! As you may be able to see ive been able to loose weight around my arms and what not but my thighs are still too fat! fucking hate my body!

ps im kindda drunk as i write this...

As mini mouse at a dress up birthday party.

At Big Day Out...which is a massive festival in Australia

Thank you

Just wanna say thank you to the people that read my blog. It blows my mind that people actually take the time to sit there and read about my miserable life.

I cant imagine what it must look like from the outside looking in. Im a very fucked up person. More than i realise. More than i let on.

I think ive got some deep seated fear of being alone, not being worthy. I dont know where it came from. Im SOO clingy. And so insecure. Since i could remember. I use to cry myself into hysterics when my mum would drop me off at pre-school. In primary school i use to cry myself to sleep at night cause i wasnt in the in the "cool" group. And in high school i found out about boys and oh my did it all go down hill.

I constantly compare myself to unrealistic idols. Women airbrushed to the max, or people of a differnt race or body shape and wonder why am the way i am? And how much it'd cost to get lipo, or a boob job, or hair exstenions, or fake nails, or a fake tan, or a fake life...than would i be happy?

This insecure state of mind is what led me to my eating disorder. This insecure state of mind is what led me to men and finding my self worth in their opinion of me. Their approval.

Which i never get becuase i always choose men i shouldnt. Do i seek them out on purpose? Do i attach myself to men who i know will tread on me and push me down? Men who will cheat and make me feel worthless. Fat. Ugly. A waste of a fucking human being?

Or do i do it to myself. Do i turn these normal men into assholes? Do i push them away with my crazy paranoia? With my constant nagging? With my relentless need for love and affection? For approval? For acceptance?

Where does it end...where does it even fucking begin?

Im eating less and less. Throwing up more and more. At least this is always here. Always constant. Forever on my mind. At least this will never leave me....

The return of an old Friend

Mia has returned to me. And oh how ive missed her. And ana well she's here in the sense that when i look in the mirror i see disgusting fat empassing my thighs, calves, ass, arms, tummy, face ...the list goes on right down to my wrists! Yes my wrists are fat!

How might you ask did they return? Well they returned with my old friend sorrow.

Sorrow that my flatmate saw my ex walking down the street with his new girlfriend hand in hand.
Sorrow that i txted him the day before and he txted back straight away saying lets meet next week... maybe. And my heart literally skipped a beat.
Sorrow that i txted him the next night when his facebook said he cut up his face diving in a shallow pool and he never txt back...because he was with her.

Im sick of being fat. I want to waste away to nothing. I want to be hollow so my emotions have no home in me. Nothing to stick to. Nothing ...Nothing but emptiness and loneliness.

Where nothing can feed and nothing can fester. Nothing can dig in its claws and rip out my heart.

Every day i pass his fucking house on the bus. Every day i fucking hear something mentioned about his god forsaken country.

Every fucking day he is somewhere mentioned in my life.

Who am i? I do not know this person. I am not myself.

Every day i grow sader, ever day i grow heavier. When all i wantis to be light and fly away. I want the wind to take me far away. Travel across these lands to another place where i am not broken.

Where i am strong and i do not get my self worth from the men i attach myself to.

I hope they were dating when we fucked. I hope we fuck again so i can meet her by chance and ruin their relationship. I hope she screws him over so he feels like shit, like i do now. So he can feel this hatred that overwhelms my body that seeps into my every pore, my every being.

Im glad his 2010 has started so shit, karma is a bitch!

...At least she is ugly!

...but where does prettiness get you when you still dont get the man?