Monday, February 22, 2010


So i cant keep a promise to myself to fast, or to keep up the jogging or not eat bad foods or stop stalkbooking my ex and thinking about him every day and wondering if i hadda told him i was inlove with him when he said it to me, would it have made a difference or would he still have left me for that other girl....

But i can keep a promise to God, i havent eaten any sweets or treats or sugary drinks or pastries or cakes or ice cream...nothing! Since the 17th, and before anyone who's heaps religious gets angry at me and says im doing this for the wrong reasons dont even bother - i dont wanna hear it. (I'm not religious really spiritual with a christian twang cause i went to a catholic school)

Any way i do it every year increasing the things i cant have that tempt me the most. I enjoy the challenge, i enjoy that im doing it to prove my love to God and i enjoy that it helps make me thin!

So anyway i was really happy when i weighed myself the other night and saw i was only 56kg but i reckon thats cause im heaps dehydrated. I reckon i put it all back on but the fan-fucking-tastic news is i washed and brushed myhair today and only like a normal amount of hair came out!

Im sooooo fucking happy!!!!...but than im not. I cried at the doctors the other day, she was like are you stressed? Are you sad or anything...and i fuckign started crying. I felt like such a loser, but i couldnt stop. I feel like a faker. Like im putting this saddness on. But im not. Its always lying there, underneath everything. Waiting in the shadows. Its there when im out with friends, its there when im at work, when im sitting on the bus, when im here blogging, watching tv, walking the dog, its everywhere....and no where.

I cant shake it. I cant get rid of it. But its not strong enough or big enough to do anything about. It sort of comes in waves but never strong enough to think i should see a doc directly about it.

But I came to realise today that im lonely. I feel so alone all the time. Even when im with people i am alone. I try to hide from the loneliness and the saddness, through makeup and buying new clothes and drinking and clubbing and doing anything that is ascetically pleasing or just mentally and physically takes my mind away.

But its always there, i cant shake it. And so I thought of a new way to die today, jump off the bridge i cross everyday. It constantly shocks me when i catch myself thinking about ways to take my life. I wonder does anyone else look at everyday things and think what i think? How much would it hurt to cut your wrists? Would it be to hard to find a gun and blow my fucking brains out along with all the stress and the sadness and my fat fucking life onto the wall behind me?

Would God let me in heaven if i commited suicide? Would my family be okay?

I hope these thoughts go away soon, and i hope i can be happy again soon. I dont want to die. I want to travel the world and fall inlove!

If im skinny skinny deathly skinny ill be happy...right? ...right?

1 comment:

Ana's Girl said...

Aw, sweetie... I just want you to be happy! What makes you think you couldn't see a doctor directly about your depression? I really think you should, love. If you got some antidepressants, maybe you'd feel better. *hugs* Be happy...please?