Friday, February 26, 2010

3 quick things

hey this is just a quick post to say three things

1. i didnt go and see the doc yesterday. i had an appoitment all booked but i cancelled. I can deal with this myself im a big girl!

2. i saw my ex last night. after wanting so bad not to see him, i saw him ....with his Ex! And get this they were waiting at the same bus stop as me, they got on the same bus as me AND they fucking got off at the same bus stop as me! WTF!?

We pretended like we didnt know each other, but secretly i was happy. I looked pretty and skinny and im sure his gf would've scoped me outat least once. I wanna give her some jealousy, something to think about but in all honestly they probs just ignored me!

The thing is i dunno if im in shock, or i just dont care. Normally i would hope this makes him wanna call me blar blar blar but i dont, not this time. I hope he doesnt call me! I still hate him with every cell in my body, but i think im finally getting over him. At least thats the story im sticking to!


3. The biggest and best news. All i ate yesteday was

- a peice of toast
- and one nectorean

Heck yes! And i was hungry and i wanted food and i was just like 'no lovely me' and i didnt! so proud of myself!

Im still sad, i still had a lil teary on my pillow last night for about 30seconds last night and to be honest the thought of taking my life did cross my mind breifly again but im keeping these thoughts at bay. I know they're still there lurking in the shadows. I know it'll rear its ugly head again soon, but for the moment im okay. ...and i like that.

No men in my life, no new clothes, i dont like my new haircut and im getting a dirty disgusting coldsore....but for the moment im okay....and i like that.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

oops i did it again

oops, i did it again. i went 5 days without stalk booking my ex. I was actually starting to feel ok and forget him...starting...and than i clicked on a mutual friend and saw his pic and he hadnt been on fb for like a month (or so i thought) but of course he had, he just hadnt made any contact with me. He'd commented somone on tuesday so i looked at him and it all came flooding back..i'm so stupid! I undid all my hard work.

The fucked up thing is i dont miss him per say, i just miss "something". I dont know what it is, i cant put my finger on it.

My hair is still falling out in handfuls. But im going to see a doc about my sadness today. I gonna feel so stupid i know! But i cried at work again the other day, and again when i was walking home yesterday for no reason. im disinterested in everything work, clothes, friends, eating, going overseas.

This isnt normal, i need help but i feel like fake like if i was really depressed id be locked up. Are there different levels of sadness?

So ana is slowly slowly returning in the way that im eating less and less everyday and that i feel guilty eating anything now. Nothing taste good anymore probably cause im sad but mostly because i feel to guilty to enjoy it.

Yesterday i had once peice of toast for breakfast than a salad for lunch and no dinner. Ill do the same again today.

Im workin in my old job at the bar tonight. I hope i do well, and dont fuck up. I know what to do but its been almost a year, im gonna be a lil rusty and like its right next to were i met my ex - his old bar he worked at.

Hope things are okay tonight....hope i can be happy and skinny!

Monday, February 22, 2010


So i cant keep a promise to myself to fast, or to keep up the jogging or not eat bad foods or stop stalkbooking my ex and thinking about him every day and wondering if i hadda told him i was inlove with him when he said it to me, would it have made a difference or would he still have left me for that other girl....

But i can keep a promise to God, i havent eaten any sweets or treats or sugary drinks or pastries or cakes or ice cream...nothing! Since the 17th, and before anyone who's heaps religious gets angry at me and says im doing this for the wrong reasons dont even bother - i dont wanna hear it. (I'm not religious really spiritual with a christian twang cause i went to a catholic school)

Any way i do it every year increasing the things i cant have that tempt me the most. I enjoy the challenge, i enjoy that im doing it to prove my love to God and i enjoy that it helps make me thin!

So anyway i was really happy when i weighed myself the other night and saw i was only 56kg but i reckon thats cause im heaps dehydrated. I reckon i put it all back on but the fan-fucking-tastic news is i washed and brushed myhair today and only like a normal amount of hair came out!

Im sooooo fucking happy!!!!...but than im not. I cried at the doctors the other day, she was like are you stressed? Are you sad or anything...and i fuckign started crying. I felt like such a loser, but i couldnt stop. I feel like a faker. Like im putting this saddness on. But im not. Its always lying there, underneath everything. Waiting in the shadows. Its there when im out with friends, its there when im at work, when im sitting on the bus, when im here blogging, watching tv, walking the dog, its everywhere....and no where.

I cant shake it. I cant get rid of it. But its not strong enough or big enough to do anything about. It sort of comes in waves but never strong enough to think i should see a doc directly about it.

But I came to realise today that im lonely. I feel so alone all the time. Even when im with people i am alone. I try to hide from the loneliness and the saddness, through makeup and buying new clothes and drinking and clubbing and doing anything that is ascetically pleasing or just mentally and physically takes my mind away.

But its always there, i cant shake it. And so I thought of a new way to die today, jump off the bridge i cross everyday. It constantly shocks me when i catch myself thinking about ways to take my life. I wonder does anyone else look at everyday things and think what i think? How much would it hurt to cut your wrists? Would it be to hard to find a gun and blow my fucking brains out along with all the stress and the sadness and my fat fucking life onto the wall behind me?

Would God let me in heaven if i commited suicide? Would my family be okay?

I hope these thoughts go away soon, and i hope i can be happy again soon. I dont want to die. I want to travel the world and fall inlove!

If im skinny skinny deathly skinny ill be happy...right? ...right?

Saturday, February 20, 2010


omg... im drunk so fucking drunk

but i just weighed myself.....

im fucking 56kg....

fifty fucking six


Tuesday, February 16, 2010


shit..i should have looked at my thinspo before i ate not after!

I did okay today though, im not fasting im not strong enough but im trying to eat less. Today i had 3x peice of toast, 2x carrot, bowl of soup and 2xbiscuits and 3x tea and 1x milo.

Not bad but i still feel like a fat failure. I can feel my love handles above my jeans. See my arms are fatty, my knees touch when i walk.

I washed my hair today, alot fell out. I knew it would but it still scared me.

Today at work i was there but i wasnt there. I kept asking customers the same questions twice, calling them wrong names. I almost cried once...and nothing was even wrong. Just an angry customer but everyone has to deal with that, its no reason to cry.

I wan to take a psych test. I want someone to tell me if its all in my head, or if i am actually fucked up. Do other people feel like this? But feel like what...whats wrong with me?

Besides my sudden onset of general unwellness.... nothing.
Would i be happy if i had a man to pay attention to me, distract me, a realationship to slowly ruin? To fixate on and obesse about?

Another notch on my failures belt?

Goals for 2010

stop stalkbooking my ex
Get down to 55kg by the end of the year
be happy
be stronger
be who i am

Monday, February 15, 2010


First thing first - thank you to all the wonderful people that read and comment my blog...i appreciate your advice and thank you for taking the time to care about an insignificant troubled girl on the otherside of the world!

So i'm feeling a bit better these days. I still feel sad when i am doing nothing and nothing is distracting me from my hollow empty self.

But I'm not pregnant which is such a relief however my hair is still falling out ALOT. Im going to see a doctor on friday about it and hopefully they'll be able to work out why.

I just dont want to be sick and generally unwell anymore. I want to be healthy and happy...and skinny!

My ana mind is coming back, and i am happy. she comes and goes but i miss her when she's not around and she scares me when she is. I feel really fat these days but the scales lie and say im the same.

Ash day wednesday is on the 17th of this month. I'm giving up all sugary treats this includes but is not limited to all the bakey goods my flatmates bring home, ice cream, anything chocolate, sweet ceral, cookies, jam, soft drinks, even sugar in my tea etc! If its got sugar in it, im not eating it!

I cant keep a promise to myself but i can keep one to God. Im not very religious but im a religious way lol. So i do what i can in my own warped way which isnt perfect but it suits me and i feel not so alone when i pray. I know you're suppose to give up something meaningful and deep but i LOVE sugar and its going to be temptation for me everyday and it will aid in my fast track to being thin.

I started jogging again to. If only i could stop eating so much and not feel diZzy when i dont eat. My body isnt use to me starving it like i did today and i felt shit house came home and ate like a horse. Now i feel guilty...but tomorrow is another chance to fast.

ps im scared to wash my hair tomorrow because so much falls out...what is wrong with me?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Today i made a mental list of all the things i wouldnt have to worry about it i wasnt alive...and than i had a reality check and realised what i was doing. This isnt normal! People dont sit on the bus and on their way to work and think about how easy it would be if u were they?

Is it weird that i think about death almost every day. its not like im not plagued by it. Its just there in the back of my head like oh if i wasnt alive i wouldnt have to think about whether or not i was skinny enough or whether or not i had enough money to make it through the week or if im worthy of any mans attention or if im pretty enough or even what i should wear to work today.

Its so trivial the way i think about it. I dont want to take my life....i just think about it.

I dont want to die. I enjoy life and see beauty in it still...but i am sad underneath it all.

I dont want to stress out like i am. There isnt anything wrong with me but nothing is right. And just for something different my hair is starting to fall out. what.....the....fuck? Im 20 yr old girl, not a fucking 50 yr old man. why is my hair falling out, its stressing me hard!

And my ex is txting and talking to me all the time these days. Im scared because i like it so much. But i dont want to see him because im to fat, i put on weight again. I cant stop eating and now my hair is falling out u can see my scalp.

In short im fucked ladies..i have this cloud continuelly over my head, pressing on my shoulders. i feel hollow i feel empty and im never happy with what i am and what i have. Every day i say i wont eat as much, every day i say ill jog this afternoon and everyday i dont and everyday i feel like a failure.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A Murderous, Selfish Slut.

I dont like that last post. But i wont delete it - what's written is written.

I feel empty now a days. My bestfriend is seeing her boyfriend more and more. And i dont know how to tell her im bored. She wants to postpone the trip overseas. I just want to leave.

Im sick of my boring life. Im sick of thinking about my ex every fucking day and missing him than feeling like a loser.

Im sick of being FAT! Im sick of my job. Im sick of being so hopeless when it comes to men and relationships.

Im sick of something about it!

I it weird that when ever i cross the road i think how if i walked a little slower or entered the road a little later would the car hit me? How much would it hurt if the car hit me? Would i die?
And im still late thats almost 2 weeks now... Im eating less though, if i am im killing it slowly.
A Murderous, Selfish Slut.

Welcome to my world.

Monday, February 1, 2010


I've been so neglective of late. So much has happened and i just dont want to write it all down and seem so self involved and up myself...Even though i know i am.

So somehow without dieting and without exercising i dropped 3kg and kept it off...i blame the pill. Mother f*#ker makes me retain so much fluid. Everyone has been saying "lovelyme have you lost weight? geez you need to eat something!" Even my hated ex saw me all dolled up to the max out on the town one night. He said i looked cawaii, and that i'd lost alot of weight. I was like fuck yes bitch look what you missed out on ...bastard!

The crazy thing is i have been eating. Heaps...too much, and all the magical weight loss is starting to slow down! Or maybe its just all the alcahol ive been drinking lately. I drunk like 3 bottles of vodka over 4 days the other week...each bottle helped by another person....and a slab of beer with my girlfriend on australia day.

I eat at night than i feel guilty, i go have a shower and think about throwing up but i cant bring myself to do it, so i just sit in the bottom of the shower thinking about all the dirty fat going to my thighs, tummy, arms, cheeks, ass. It makes me so sad ive decided to cut down how much i eat. Im eating less and less again! Its making me so happy to deny myself food. Tomorrow i'll have no candy or sweets!

Other than like a week and a half late. I took a test but it said i wasnt pregnant. Are those test always right? I dunno how can i be this late? The fucked up thing is ive fucked two different men with no protection this if i am i dont know who the father is...oh lord im a fat fucking slut!

And all i want is my ex to call me and want me back. He calls me alright...but only so he knows im still there to fall back on when his stupid girlfriend goes back home overseas without him! HA mother fucker can go jump! I miss him like all hell...but im over him. sort of.
I dunno...i always want what i cant have!

Any way recent photos of me! As you may be able to see ive been able to loose weight around my arms and what not but my thighs are still too fat! fucking hate my body!
ps im kindda drunk as i write this...

As mini mouse at a dress up birthday party.

At Big Day Out...which is a massive festival in Australia