Today i made a mental list of all the things i wouldnt have to worry about it i wasnt alive...and than i had a reality check and realised what i was doing. This isnt normal! People dont sit on the bus and on their way to work and think about how easy it would be if u were dead...do they?
Is it weird that i think about death almost every day. its not like im not plagued by it. Its just there in the back of my head like oh if i wasnt alive i wouldnt have to think about whether or not i was skinny enough or whether or not i had enough money to make it through the week or if im worthy of any mans attention or if im pretty enough or even what i should wear to work today.
Its so trivial the way i think about it. I dont want to take my life....i just think about it.
I dont want to die. I enjoy life and see beauty in it still...but i am sad underneath it all.
I dont want to stress out like i am. There isnt anything wrong with me but nothing is right. And just for something different my hair is starting to fall out. what.....the....fuck? Im 20 yr old girl, not a fucking 50 yr old man. why is my hair falling out, its stressing me hard!
And my ex is txting and talking to me all the time these days. Im scared because i like it so much. But i dont want to see him because im to fat, i put on weight again. I cant stop eating and now my hair is falling out u can see my scalp.
In short im fucked ladies..i have this cloud continuelly over my head, pressing on my shoulders. i feel hollow i feel empty and im never happy with what i am and what i have. Every day i say i wont eat as much, every day i say ill jog this afternoon and everyday i dont and everyday i feel like a failure.