Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I havent been able to stick to my diet becasue ive been so broke since i got back i dont even have enough money to buy muesli and apples and banana's lol. Its pretty depressing but on the other hand its good becuase ive not been eating as much casue literally cant afford it. Today i had a peice of toast with avocardo on it, and a cup or tea, one cup of coffee and one biscuit (i know horrible!!!! dumb cookie jar at work!). That was gonna be it but my flatmate rung me up and was like "i feel like viet noodle soup!" And its been raining and miserable here and it was the best weather to eat soup and she's like" ill shout you"
So i ate the friggen soup but all in all its less than i was eating last week. And its rice noodles so its not so bad right? right? right?....okay i know im a failure. I'll try harder tomorrow! Breakfast will be cereal with banana and blue berries. Lunch apple and banana. Dinner hopefully nothing! If im strong enough!
Just a quick update nothing really exciting to say....except my ex commented me on facebook! I couldnt believe it. My heart skipped a beat when i read his message. I wrote "i really wanna see avatar" as my status update (secretly hoping he would see it. We'd organised to watch it together last week but couldnt cause it was sold out and i said id call him to organise another night but i didnt cause i thought i shouldnt chase him) And he commented back "we should use the free tickets!"
I know i shouldnt read to much into it cause he just wants to see this movie alot and i do have free tickets and he knows that. So he could be using me but ....im so stupid i dont care. Im going to reply tomorrow that we should see it next week.
God im so weak! And yet im insanely happy he wants to see it with me. And in my fucked up stalker head i knew this was his day off so i couldnt stop thinking he was out courting that girl who's in all his pictures. My overly active imagintation does my head in seriously! My stalker ways actually scare me sometimes. But him writting on my status update means his not out and he probably just spent his day off at home resting...unless....maybe...she and him....NO! I WILL NOT BE SUCH A PSYCHO!!
But In my stupid insecure mind i cant stop these thoughts and to me this represents another chance to make him want me again. Another chance to wear fashionable clothes, have great hair and pretty makeup. (as long as it doesnt storm!) LOOK SKINNY and be interesting and make him fall for me again.
Make him want me.
Oh girls im so so bad at ana and im so so bad at self respect... seriously i havent lost any weight and i havent moved on from my ex at all!
But i cant complain cause i know deep down if i wanted to deny myself that cookie i could. If i didnt want to eat noodle soup i didnt have to. If i never wanted to hear from or see my ex again...all i need to do is delete him from my life.
I have the power its within my grasp...but i just wont seize it. I make excuses, find other reasons, procrastinate. And the life i want to lead lingers just behind the line i refuse to cross. Hidden in the shadows i so fondly and self destructively chase.
I am weak
I am a failure
I am nothing
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Okay so the update is the crash diet isnt working a 100% mainly because im to weak to stick to it.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
This is pathetic but this is how i feel...
I hate this body!
My boyfriend despises this fat!
But I cant stop eating!
I want to fast for a million years!
I want to be skin and bone!
I want to make my boyfriend like what he sees!
So his heart and eyes will not wander!
If I am skinny everything in this world will be okay!
Everything in my world will be okay!
And i will be worthy of him!
He wont tell me to stop eating and drinking so much!
He wont tell me to keep exercising!
He will smile when i leave my plate untouched.
He will smile when he grabs my love handles and feels only bone!
When we make love My body will be so thin and fragile,
When we make love My body will be so perfect.
How can i stop this perpetual circle of hate and disgust.
How can i starve myself?
Starving for prefection....hardly!
More like eating myself to Misery, Loneliness and Dispair!
HE WILL LEAVE YOU SOON IF YOU DONT GET THIN!
YOU WILL HAVE NO ONE
YOU WILL BE ALONE
BUT MOST OF ALL YOU WILL ALWAYS BE
F A T
Friday, September 25, 2009
And bom bom boooooommm!!! He didnt say anything when he was sober! Stupid prick! But things were going alright, he was being really affectionate and nice to me for a week or so. But a couple days ago i stayed at his house and than the next day he didnt really txt me and i invited him over the next day and he text back saying maybe next time! ARSE HOLE! There are so many better ways to turn down an invite! Any way we didnt talk for a day or so and i just txt him than asking what he's up to and he just wrote back utter shit. Arrgh its not even worth the effort of writting down! It just plays with my heart. I shouldnt have let myself trust him! STUPID!
As for my stomach...its hungry! Yes today i ate less than i normally do! Im very proud of myself. Only two meals - cereal for breakfast and a salad wrap for dinner with some fruit and raw veg inbetween! I'll try again tomorrow for the same amount!
Hope everyone else is staying strong! Take care xxoo
Monday, September 21, 2009
Lately ive been eating HEAPS! And not even caring. Im so incredibly fat at the moment. I feel so self concious. I dont even want to go out anymore.
Im trying hard to cut back what i eat and how much but i just love eating so much. I get so much enjoyment out of it until 10mins later when im like omg...i need to throw up why the fuck did i just eat that?
Err im so incredibly depressed at the moment, i just want to sleep all the time. Im in a rut. I Day dream about being skinny, and than get really excited about it and say im going to fast today yay! Soon i will be skinny! Than after about 2 hrs i get hungry and eat till i have a food baby! WTF?
I sit there and have arguments in my head with myself. Saying okay today i will only eat this apple and a sandwich. Half for morning tea half for afternoon tea and than nothing else! Than i suddenly think omg thats so much food, no way can i allow myself to eat that much carbs and crap! But than rational me comes in and says hello? Your only going to eat that? Thats not alot of food at all you can so eat more! Normal people eat more than that! Than im like wait no its not dont eat more...but its to late my awesome ana thinking has been ruined and i just end up eating like a horse!
I need to train myself better!
...post cut short...flatmate just got home
stay strong! x
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Ive put weight back on. I reckon about 3 or 4kg. But ive taken up jogging again. And im enjoying it. I want to jog every second day. Because i work in a office all day and i am sitting for 6hrs im getting so fat. I need to excerise and eat less! I want to be skinny but i also want to be toned. Nice shapely legs, and im hoping that excerise will minimise my cellulite. Its pretty bad at the moment. Its very depressing!
Sometimes i look at my legs in photos and i can see where my thighs should stop, and than there is all this extra fat and cellulite hanging off it. It looks so weird. There is like a big line going down my leg. The indent of the bone i guess and than all the fat hangs off it. My legs are naturally quite spread apart at the top. Like my thighs go like this )( i cant really explain it but there is a big gap between them (when im skinny). I love it but at the moment the extra fat (and omg i have saddle bags now!!!) just hangs off like a melting blob - big drumstick legs. ERRR YUCK!
To make matters worse for me i have a new man in my life sort of. I dont know what it is about him, or why but i feel like i really like him. I cant know for sure but it feels like this time its genuine.
He's 6 yrs older than me and a different nationality and culture. Maybe because of that or maybe cause he's older than me or maybe cause im so crazy and clingy when i actually fall for a guy but he just seems so... like he doesnt care.
Im so conflicted. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I HATE it! And when im with this guy im not in control. Im a fucking mess. I thought i was past this kind of thing but im not. He sends me mixed messages. He cant be bothered waiting for me to meet up, or even make an effort to see me when we're both out. But he never doesnt txt back. Sometimes he takes a couple hours but he always txt back to me. But theyre always closed end questions or non-invational statments.
Fuck i hate this. It's really difficult because i met him through a guy i was fucking his name can be 'wasian' (he's white but is inlove with everything japanese and thinks he's gangsta ..err what was i thinking?).Any way i didnt realise how friendly wasian and hot guy are. wasian is at his house like every weekend, and wasians best friend is hot guys flatmate! I think wasian was pretty upset too when he found out hot guy and i were fucking and im pretty he's said bad things about me. Im worried they talk about me badly behind my back. ERRRRR!!! lovely me the village bicycle!
And the other night he slept over and i tried to talk to him about how i felt and i thought he'd back away or give really simple answers but he didnt. I asked him whether he liked me or just liked fucking me because i feel like a whore. He said he liked me but there was a pause!
Than i got really nervous and self concious and i couldnt talk. I have alot of trouble talking about those kind of emotions with men! Any way he really suprised me and hit back with all these really hard hitting questions like 'do you want me to be your boyfriend?' (in a negative tone) and 'what do you want me to say?' and other stuff. When i write it down and look at it it looks pretty lame but at the time i was speechless. He's first language isnt english and i thought he wouldnt really have the knowledge to comprehend in english what i was saying but he totally understood and just made me feel so insecure and confused.
But the thing is that hot guy is pretty toned, tan and has nice skin- all hard muscle, and im the complete oppisite. flabby, pale and pimplely! The other night when he slept over i was so concious of my self. He kept grabbing my love handles and saying 'love handles' and feeling my fat thighs and pinching my skin which is NOT advisable as i have sooo much cellulite. I felt so fat next to him. I can stand it when im fatter than the men im with. We were lying on the bed and i was wearing short shorts and i sort of half sat up twisting i dunno it was weird but i looked down and my thight and there was an area like 15cm by 15cm of orange peel disgusting cellulite. I was so embaressed i moved my leg really quickly but i reckon he saw.
The women of his nationality to are naturally petite and skinny. i must look like a whale to him. and orange peel whale :( :(
So its decided i will excerise more and eat less, eat better and hopefully just forget about hot guy. Its pretty sad but in the end id rather never see him again and just forget him than feel the way i feel now...
sorry for the long post guys, more interesting and better stuff has probably happen that would've been better to blog about but i had to get this off my chest.
stay strong, x
Thursday, July 30, 2009
But my eating amounts and habits are still much betterthan a fortnight ago and im eating less.
Its just hard to hide my hunger from my work collegues. My mouth is too loose and i always say things like 'im so hungry!' or just stare hard out at people eating food i would LOVE to binge on!
Ive been to scared to jump back on the scales to see if my weight has gone up. I was so proud of myself breaking into the 50s.
I saw my ex this weekend and used with him. I dont know if i loved it or hated it. I loved the feeling of just not being hungry at all! Of my stomach growling because i hadnt eaten anything all day but i jsut wanted hungry! And all that energy...but than it wore off and i just felt edgey sad and...weird. so tired!
Im not drinking as much though, but im living for the weekends when i can get pissed off my face.
Im waiting for a new challenge to come into my life. I want change. I scares the hell outta me but i love it...God my posts are boring!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I broke the 50 mark! i now weigh according to my dodgey scales 59.5kg!
I finally did it, it means my diet is working!!!
I feel healthier also and i stomach is heaps flat, i can finally see my abs again thank gosh!
Im going to keep going, and the best part is i ate less than i did yesterday. maybe as i go on i can keep cutting down my food intake.
I will be that skinny girl that turns everyones heads!
Makes you stop and stare as i go past!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Im happy, its a small win. Im going to see how much weight i loose if i stick to this for 2 weeks. Im only eating muesli and yogurt breakfast, 3 peices of fruit for lunch and 99% fat free soup for dinner with rye bread. Roughly about 700 cals a day.
I really want to be under 60kg before i go overseas.
I really want to have smaller portion sizes and less meals. I want to be that girl that leaves over half the food on her plate, i want to be that girl that says no thank you to food.
When i go over seas i know im not gonna have alot of money to buy food and im worried all ill eat is 2min noodles and they're the worst thing u can eat. They make you so fat. I refuse to get fatter than i am, specially in another country while im on holidays taking a million photos!
My housemates cooked brownies today and i ate a little one. Im very dissappointed in myself for that but i REALLY want to go out there and hoe down on another one but i wont! so plus probably another 200cals for that one brownie :( :(
but yesterday and today i didnt touch the cookie jar, and some fat bitch offered me cake and i was like "no thanks!" damn proud!!! The poeple i work with are starting to get sus on me. They keep asking me if ive eaten today, one even said "Do you ever eat anything?". I think they're sus on me cause i always watch what they eat like a hawk. Because i soooooo want to eat that dirty pasta, or that big ol' cookie but i cant, i wont!
I can do this, i have this, i will be thin!
Monday, July 20, 2009
The other night i saw my ex. He's only seen me about 3 times since 2 year ago, when i was at my worst/best weight...49kg. That was when i had a massive amphetamine habit.
I weigh over 10kg more than that now and he noticed. He said i was FAT! I wanted to go and throw up my dinner right there on the spot. He really stuck into me. Said he'd checked out my ghetto booty in the kitchen (while i was heating up a desert cake shame on me) and than he grabbed my thighs and wiggled my fat and asked 'omg does that go all the way down?'
i ...fucking.....hate .....myself!
Today i tried to eat really healthy but of course it didnt work. That fucking cookie jar! ? If i could i'd through it out the window of our 12 storey building!
So i had breakfast hoping it'd curve my hunger for the day, and i ate only fruit during the day (along with 3 of the devil cookies and 2 no fat milk coffees). When i got home i had 99% fat free soup and 2 peices of rye bread. I know this is ALOT and isnt great but im still in the process of saying no to myself. Than my flatmate came over and offered me two peices of wait for it.....garlic bread.
and i ate it :( :( :( :(
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?
I really want to try fasting for a day but im scared ill fail and im scared ill just binge the next day. I wish i had self control. I wish i could write a post in here that wasnt about failing. Its all i seem to do these days. My life consists of when is my next meal.
I weighed myself tonight aswell and im fairly sure the scales are out but i was high...way high... i hate myself.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I ate two...im so ashamed!
But to my credit (although i dont deserve any) i stayed the fuck away from the cookie jar and if they'd been no muffin temptation i wouldnt have eaten sweets all day...which doesnt really count in the long run does it? Cause i still failed.
And even more so when i got home. I was starving and got into my flatmates terrible tuna pasta bake which was just aweful..it didnt even taste good. So i hoed into that, than i still wasnt satisfied so i had a small bowl of muesli thaaann i was still hungry so i cooked up chicken and veggies and doused it in bbq sauce. WTF
MAN I FELT SOOOOO GUILTY! So i went and had a shower and throw up all the chicken and veggies till i started seeing pasta in my upchuck. I stopped after that. I wanted to keep going but i always add over half a jar to chili flakes to every meal and it was burning my throat something chronic...
I know its bad, but im so glad i thru it up. Im glad that disgusting fat is out of my stomach! I just have to apply my cookie jar mind trip on other foods now.
Buuuuttt the fatties had little pancakes with jam and cream today in a meeting and i ate one and than i was like nooooooooooooooooo cellulite thighs fatty knees beer belly! And i stopped...so proud of myself!
Now i just gotta get that ana disapline back....hmm any tips??!!
This thinspo is pretty old and you've probably seen it before but i fucking love it so im reposting it...enjoy x
Friday, July 10, 2009
I dont know where my will power has gone. In the last two weeks ive eaten SO much buttery fatty disgusting popcorn. This morning i had breakfast with toast, egg, bake beans and dirty deep fried hashbrown...what the heck is wrong with me?
Im going to try and make that the only thing i eat today besides maybe something SMALL cause ive gotta go to a friends house for dinner tonight.
This is the same shit i post up everyday...how fucking boring?! My heart isnt in this but i so desperately want to be skinny! I wish i LOVED exercising. I could go for a jog now...but i probably wont. Cause im a lazy fat c*nt!
However one victory i have managed is to train myself to look at the cookie jar at work as my fatty cellulite butt. Everytime i look at the cookie jar i only see my fat arse and orange peel skin. I dont eat those cookies anymore. I'm really suprised how well its worked. Like i literally see my fat arse when i look at the cookie jar. Its a small win but still a important one.
I went out clubbing with some girls last night. I wanted to have a messy night and i did lol we snooted so much ****** up our noses lol i was off my face. It was fan - fucking - tastic! And i met a VERY good looking man, i got his number and he got mine. Dunno if he was interested but he was leaning all over me on the seat and we'd just met...so thats good right? Im going to txt him next weekend and be like..."hey if you're out tonight wanna catch up for a drink?" see what comes of it. I swear this man looks just like jake gyllenhaal! STUNNING! But i think he's like one of those guys that is hard to get. I really have to play my cards right here...hmm a challenge i love it! Ha ha im a sick fuck, now a days i look at men only as a challenge. I spot someone i like, i give them the eye and smile, if they respond i sit down near we're they are and wait for them to come over to say hi. Once ive got that its normally in the bag. I love the thrill of the chase. LOL i dont know how many mens numbers i have in my phone, with the club that i met them in as their last names so i remember who they are...arrgh but they're always after one thing :( And so am i...but you've gotta prove youself first and most of them fail miserably!
Good news is the hot boss ive been day dreaming about on the bus...well i talked to him the other night and he was well keen for it. He's like "im gonna fuck you first week u get to london"...am i like "ooooh are you now?" Im Playing him along because the first time we met and worked together i was falling over myself to get ANY kind of attention from him. I made such a fool of myself! But i guess to my credit he still came after me...mmm yummy! My last note on men is the pansy man ive been "seeing" if thats what you can call it, cause we never do ANYTHING together(barely even talk anymore) came over my place last night to hang with me and my friends and was so stiff and insecure and fucking annoying! Telling stupid stories that you tell to make people think you're cool when you're in fucking yr 9 or something! He's twenty fucking three...grow some damn balls man! Im so hard on him though...and i do really feel bad because i think he likes me but im to wild for him, im to eratic, to crazy. And i have no patience for the man and his mama boy ways. im not even that attracted to him anymore! Errr gotta let him go softly but how to do it? hmmm..
Any way i should stop ramberling on about men, this blog is suppose to be about my fucking eating disorder which is pathetic at the moment!
Im not really writting anything interesting too id be suprised if anyone even reads this far down plus I dont want to make my posts to long cause i know i get bored reading other peoples long ass posts.
Sooooo ladies my only tip for the moment is if you have a vice something you just HAVE to eat when u see it, say chocolate peanut butter somethings, or hot chips or friggen that disgusting 1000calorie thing that you JUST HAVE TO EAT!!!! Try to imagine you most hated part about you and associate that food with it. So everytime you look at it you dont see the trigger food, you see your fat ass, or cellulite knees, or beer belly or fucking love handles!!!! BIG THIGHS!!!!!!!
It works trust me...good luck and stay true stay strong xoxo
Monday, July 6, 2009
Shes skinnier than me and more fashionable and currently in london!
Any way there is no more potent thinspiration than when u go on facebook only to see beautiful photo's of your friend looking insanely skinny!
I will loose weight. I will look like her starting from today im only eating breakfast - muesli
brunch - banana
lunch - nothing!!!
tea - apple
dinner - small bowl fat free soup or home made veggie soup
i will loose weight i have to set myself a goal!
any way here's a depressive thinspo shot of my beautiful friend...
Post Note: I tried today but failed. I ate two cookies at work and felt like a completely c*nt, than came home and ate my weight in veggie stew. Than my flatmate made cookies and i chowed down on 2 of them, felt so guilty had a shower and through them back up, along with most of my veggie stew dinner. Feeling much better now but still like a failure. Tomorrow will hopefully be better! By the end of this month i will weigh 57kg or less!!! xx
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Im sick of being a fat bitch. Ive got a new job and its in telephone business centre or aka call centre. hahaha
Its the worst fucking job in the world seriously! I fucking hate it! I hate the poeple i work with, i hate the trainers! I hate the work!
AND OMFG!! YOU SHOULD SEE THE FUCKING OBESE FREAKS I WORK WITH!
Literally i throw up in my mouth every time i see these people walk past. And they're everywhere. Where i work is like a disease ridden fat fest! Everyone is fat...everyone! About 90% of the people i work with are over weight.
Im not joking. It's fucking disgusting!
Its so bad ive started jogging again. I refuse to get like those poeple. I would quit tomorrow except ill never get another job that pays as well as this one does and im planning to go overseas by the end of october.
Just fuck off overseas and not have to worry about any of this petty bullshit going on in my life! Maybe actually find a real man with a real dick who'll fuck me properly! eeehhhh this man im with at the moment my god...i think he's a closet gay!
Sorry im venting! I havent written on here in ages and ive just had all this pent up rage. I really dont knwo what it is. I get on the bus home after work and i just wanna fucking bunch someone out. I stand on the over crowded bus to work and dream about going to london and seeing my old boss and working for him again in some seedy awesome bar in old london town and fucking his brains out. I sit in this freezing cold room all day at work and fucking dream of what i want my current man to do to me. Dream of being anywhere but where i am now. Than i go home and wanna bunch someone out? What is this rage?
I fucking love it though! At least now i actually feel like im living!
I love these emotions these raw fucking out there emotions. No more dull nothing ness! Its all out there to feel to see to want and touch!
Im still fucking fat toooo fucking fat. But at least in the TBC i have thinspiration all around me. Everywhere i look there are fat fucking pigs! Disgusting seriously! My legs pressed together dont make one of your thighs!
EVEN YOUR FINGERS ARE FUCKING FAT!
DISGUSTING WORTHLESS FUCKING PIGS!
Errr thinking about it makes me want to throw up....blarrrrrr
Im starting off slow though, ive stopped eating sweets and cookies and what not. But im still eating to many carbs. This faggot of a man that i for some god forsaken reason like is a gym junkie and a personal trainer slash mega awesome bodied man who doesnt eat anything bad or drink!!!! So ive decided i have to get really thin so i dont look like a fat fucking cow next to him.
All my life is pointing towards getting skinny...i fucking love it!
Oh and lastly my drinking problem is getting worse and getting better. I dont get crazy rude obnoxious drunk anymore. I dont even get that bad a hang overs any more. But ive started drinking everyday. I have to have a drink after work now to calm down. Just one or two beers....or three sometimes. Everyday.
Its hard to go a day without a drink
I need to get thin
I need I want I must have
Thin Ana please come back??
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
If i ever managed to have even the slightest of ana... ive lost her
I still throw up my food sometimes ...but mia isnt my friend
I weigh no more no less, but my life is changing all the time since i moved back to my home town.
Ive met a new man but im not sure about him...
My ex stayed over the other night. We got drunk and he slept in the same bed as me. We used together and i havent got high since august 2008.
He text me the next day saying he cant stop thinking about me...And before that i havent heard or seen him since he walked out on me over a year ago.
Ive got a new job, and its soooo intense! Mon - Fri 40hrs a week!
My share house i moved into is...so many things. Great and Horrible, fun and in your face yet awkward and fragile.
I just want some stability, something permanent in my life that i know wont change quickly. Something positive and permanent.
Im scared that nothing i have now will last and everything will come crashing down. Change is good but this much change is hard to handle.
...And im still to fat!
Current weight as of Saturday morning - 60.5kg
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I just had breakfast - big bowl of muesli with low fat yogurht and skim milk.
But i got my period today and i feel mega sick...that counts doesnt it?
Im going to try and make this my only meal today, if i get hungry its diet coke and water!
fingers crossed i can do it!!
But i was good. All i ate yesterday was half a salad. Unfortunitaly than i went out and got on the piss with an empty stomach. And of course knowing me i never know when enough is enough and i got completely shit faced and ended up calling the night to an end early, going back to my mates place and chucking my guts up. lovely...
Today i had a mega hang over so of course i ate like a horse. I really want more food but im going to try and not eat anything else. Ive already had two low fat cookies and more than a handful of doritos..err what was i thinking? I also had a tuna salad roll and 2x miso soup - blow out!
Tomorrow i will try and fast again. Im moving into my new place tomorrow and working so i should be able to keep my mind off food. I really dying to know how much i weigh and if all this alcahol is making me fat.
Ive got another date with handsome man on saturday. He seems really keen, but im to scared to trust him. I cant understand why such a gorgeous looking man would be interested in me? What do i have to give seriously?
Nothing is the answer. And he's full big on eating right and not drinking or doing drugs. So i feel so inadiquit around him! I have terrible eating issues! I binge hard out than some days dont eat anything at all...thats not healthy. He said he pigged out massively and he had 3 plates of sushi...wtf? And i LOVE drinking! Adore it! And use to be a dirty junkie. (well not really a junkie but ...well yes actually i cant deny it).
I dunno im just scared he's gonna look at me and say your not skinny or pretty enough to be my trophy girlfriend. Cause i swear to god he looks like he should date thoughs ano fashionable pretty girls i want to be :( Im scared im going to let myself like him and he'll fuck me over just as the last 6 guys have. Errr....
Must not eat!
Must be skinny & pretty!
Monday, June 1, 2009
I've been drinking like a fish as well and when i have a hang over well thats like having the munchies for me. Like i smoked six million bongs and ten jays all at once and i have this insatiable hunger that wont go away.
LOVE drinking....hate being hung over and eating myself out of house and home the next day!
I havent really lost any weight or put any on, but its hard to tell for sure because i dont have scales where im staying at the moment.
Im totally stressed out about trying to find a place to live aswell! House hunting is really wearing me down!
But on the plus side - im with all my friends again and they're really making me feel like i was missed.
And STOP THE PRESS!!!!
I went on a date the other day with an absolutely GORGEOUS man! :D
This is highly unlike me to be so happy! Sometimes i seriously think i have mild bi-polar (if there is such a thing). I get really fucking sad and depressed and than about a couple of weeks to a month later im happy again. Its fucked up!
And this happiness its making me eat and not care! No this has to stop. Im glad i came back on and checked my blog.
But Ive got no excuse to keep eating now. I'm sorry ive failed you guys so much! Im away from the watchful stare of my folks and im my own independant person again. I will loose some gosh damn fat! I will be that skinny girl others are jealous of!
And lastly, welcome to my new followers arrrgh i feel so special! And to the girls who comented my blog thank you so much! It means the world to me that you take the time to read my blog, because i always read yours even if i dont comment. And you guys are such an inspiration to me! And to jamie i wish i could comment you back but for some reason i cant access your site and im on a family friends computer so i dont want the history to be pulled up...that'd be so awkward! Ill try to check it out later this week!
Good luck ladies! xo
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I drink to much, i dont know when to stop and when i am drunk im completely out of control.
Im highly motivated by drinking. I love it, i adore it. I think i have a problem.
I dont know why this is. Yesterday i drunk almost 2 bottles of wine. I was at a party with heaps of people i didnt know. I got talking to the hosts brother, and ended up with him in his room, making out. We were going to have sex, i wanted to but i didnt. Im glad i didnt. I did give him head though...wtf? I do not give head specially not to someone i JUST met! What the hell was i thinking?
Before we hooked up his friends and him had invited me out the next day to hang out at the beach. They seemed really genuine but after i made a fool of myself they never called me. I didnt expect them to but still its another failure, its another stupid mark against my name. Im absolutely terrible at making friends, Im socially retarded! I can just see it now, he's probably thinks im a huge slut. I went from being that girl at the party who he was intersted in, to being just a stupid drunk bitch with no morals. Apparently my cousin had to call my bro to come pick me up and take me home because i was 'out of control'. How fucking embaressing. When i left no one was really talking to me, not even the guy who i made out with.
I dont know whats wrong with me, when i get drunk i just let go. Apparently im a princess, and i see in myself that im judging poeple and i often have to stop myself from saying hurtful things to poeple. Im stuck up.
I dont know why i get like this when i get drunk. No thats a lie, i do know. I have no confidence in myself. I think im fat, ugly and undesirable. I am unhappy.
My head isnt screwed on right at the moment. Im not myself. This is not who i am. And to make matters worse i ate all day today. Bread and cookies and noodles. Fuck!
Some beautiful thinspo i got from another blogger page.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Seriously, look at her her fucking ribs! Theyre well sticking out!
Fuck it...looking at her has inspired me not to eat any dinner. Ive been eating to much lately anyway. This will be good for me and tomorrow I'll go for a jog. Ive been jogging again lately and im really glad i started up again! I love the burn, it makes me feel like im actually murdering those calories my body forces me to eat!
Soon, when i move out of home ill try fasting again. And if anyone who reads my site is fasting and is in need of a good pick-me-up to get you through the day, in Australia they sell these weight loss pills (in priceline or any where) theyre called Xantrax. Theyre not the 'real' thing but they work well enough for me and theyre absolutely loaded with caffeine. I cant take them unless im doing something that day because its like taking speed i swear! But they give you a ton of energy so i reccomend trying it. Beware the next day but...
Sunday, May 17, 2009
"didnt eat your dinner again huh?"
wtf is that suppose to mean? it could just be harmless he's always poking fun at me but it was weird when i asked him what he ment he was just said something like
"oh no nothing im just making an observation"
I hope he's not on to me, i thought i'd been so secretive... but really who fucking cares im outta this place in 9 days! And i got so much dirt on that kid anyway. He cant say a word or ill tell my folks what extra curicular activities he gets up to every afternoon, the very same activities that sent him 'away'.
So I blew out last night, i went to a dinner party wth my parents. Drunk a whole bottle of wine to myself and needless to say i was well into the food. I guess i didnt massively pig out, but i still ate alot! Im worried the main reason i went to the party was because i knew my father would buy me a bottle of wine. And all i could think about was getting drunk and not caring about anything anymore...thats bad isnt it?
Today was just average to bad. Beakfast was muesli, lunch was an apple and nuts with dried fruit, and than just before i had a rather large bowl of home made veggie soup. Snacks included about 10 hot chips my father brought (i couldnt help myself - hot chips are my trigger food) and 1 less-than-one-gram-of-fat cookie.
Im not really in a happy place at the moment. I know no one even bothers to read my blog, i dont lead an exciting enough life to warrant attention. But im sick of being boring, im sick of being hollow. Im sick of feeling like ive got nothing in common with anyone and that im a fake. I feel like i dont have a personality. I cant do anything right and im never happy with what i have. Its always been like this for me, i felt like i never fit in at primary school, never in high school and now not in my young adult life. I have nothing exciting to say, im not one of those people you feel instantly comfortable with or one of those people you want to talk to because they're funny and 'cool'. Fuck i cant even get a boy to like me, i fuck up all my friendships.
I wonder is it the drugs that have killed me inside, or was i born like this? I want to ask my parents if my family has a history of depression but im too scared they'll wonder why im asking and things will get awkward.
Or maybe all i want is another pipe. Another hit, another round with my old friend...I cant believe its been since august 2008 since i got high and i still think about it everyday. Still want it, still feel that pull in my chest.
Man im a fuck up...maybe if i was thin everything would be better or at least it would on the outside.
Friday, May 15, 2009
I was looking at my thighs and my love handles, looking at my protruding tummy thinking isnt this enough? Doesnt this make you want to change the way you eat?
I cant get my head around the fact that this will be a massive effort and i have to start not at the start of the new week, not tomorrow morning but NOW!
Today i didnt snack but i still ate to much.
Breakfast - unsweetened muesli with 2 strawberries and low fat milk
Lunch - packet of nuts, banana and mandarin
Snack - about 5 homemade small sushi rolls and miso soup, 1x low fat yoghurt
This is all ill eat today! Tomorrow ill hopefully do better, and get my sorry arse into my jogging gear and go for a run...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
2. I have to start trying to fast again, or at least only eating one meal a day!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Ive eaten more in the last week than i have in ages....but i got on the scales and WTF i weighed what normally takes me two days of half arsed fasting to achieve! I dont get it at all. So i ended up binging a bit tonight. And of course i tried to purge but no luck. It wasnt coming back up!
Ive decided im going to take a new approach. I want to be hell skinny thats for sure. But i realise fasting isnt going to get me there, at the moment im just not cut out for it. But im not completely ruling it out.
Instead what im going to do is a controled eating plan. Im going to eat breakfast (something healthy), as i feel this is very important meal. And for lunch ill have something light like a peice of fruit or what not. Than for dinner will be early in the afternoon and it'll be something healthy say salad and tuna or salad and skinless chicken breast...and maybe a idaho patatoe if im feeling generous. This may seem like a lot of food but its similar to what i did in high school and that got me down to 54kg from 61 sooo its gotta work. I'll also try and exercise! I am not an exercise person i HATE it! But in the name of being thin...ill do anything.
We'll see how this goes, things might get a little more intense when i move out of home in 2 weeks ...cant wait !!!
Good luck with the weight loss ladies!!! xx
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I cant believe that the final inspiration that tipped me over the 'oh i want to fast and not eat alot' to actually doing it came from one of my pro ana blogs i always read. Check this out i recomend it to anyone who needs that final kick in the right direction!
Warning: its pretty intense dont read if your not sure your ready to embrace this kind of life.
Also i found this awesome site http://www.calorieking.com/. Its great! It works out the calories of everything you ate right down to the very gram! Im inlove...
Stay strong girls
So i woke up and didnt eat anything until my dad brought that same sandwich he had yesterday and insisted i eat some! So i had a bite damn! Any way i had an apple and a banana through out the day becasue i was just so friggen hungry! And than for my main meal i had sushi again with miso soup. Im not sure how bad miso soup is but i presume its not great in the calorie department.. :(
But im doing sooooo much better, im really happy with myself and im eating slower and with lots of water inbetween bites, i couldnt even finish my sushi (which wasnt much at all) and im sooooo full!
I really want to be under 60kg before i go back to my home town! I hate in photos when you see the fat around my face errr! And today i was wearing old trackpants and i saw my shadow against the wall - my arse looked ENORMOUS! It was digusting!
One more thing i have to mention is dont you fucking HATE it when you sit next to someone fat and you can hear them breathing heavy and pursing their lips and just errr its GROSS i hate it. And ive had to sit next to some FAT arse man every morning this week...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I did plan to fast today butttttt i decided not to, its a cop out and i do feel a bit like a failure however my father brought me sushi and i cant say no to sushi!!! I LOVE sushi!! And i was going to eat a banana tonight anyway ....
So thats all im going to eat today, well that and i had one bite of my dads sandwich (casue he wouldnt leave me alone about it) and like 5 grapes.Yay this is sooooo good for me. Tomorrow im going to do the same. Not eat until 6pm at night or something!
I weighted myself just before and i was down to 61.5 - thats what i was before i left for my hometown on my birthday. Im going to do this only eating one meal a day thing for as long as i can with maybe a whole day of fasting in there somewhere. Its just hard for my parents not to notice, they're so use to me being a bottomless pit. Err distgusting
I want to be 59 before i move back to my home town. I know i can do it and from there...its only down baby! I will be skinny, I will lose all the fat in my face, my arse, my thighs, my tummy will be flat!
ps i spoke to that girl who wanted to bash me on friday night and aplogized...it was weird but im glad i did it. But i honestly cant wait to get the fuck out of this city!
Monday, May 4, 2009
I dont remember being like that, but than i never remember anything when i get drunk. Apparently i pissed this one chick off so much she wanted to bash me and had to go away and sober up so she wouldnt hit me. I dont remember that at all, although i do remember my mentality being really angry and frustrated. I didnt want to be with them, but i didnt want to be home alone and i guess i just lost control. The big smoke is really getting to me i cant handle it down here with no friends, no job and nothing to do all day. I want to go back to my home town. Im tired of being a hermit! And im becoming really depressed...maybe there is a way of channeling this sorrow into weight loss?
Today I did better again. Im trying hard not to snack but its really hard, im like a cow i just graze!
Breakfast: Cereal with milk and strawberries
Lunch: Salad and tuna, 1/2 bake patatoe
Snacks: apple, grapes, 1x cookie, 1x cracker, carrot stick
I'll try my hardest not to eat anything else today and i also went for a 90min walk today so....
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs and bake beans
Lunch: chicken salad sandwich
Dinner: noodles with veggies (thrown up)
Snacks: 2x cookie and 3x crackers
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Last night I went out drinking and I met a fucking skinny ass chick. I was talking to her and I couldn't help but notice on her right hand, on her pointer and middle knuckles she had big red sores, like the sores I use to get on my knuckles when I tried sooooooo hard to throw up every ounce of disgusting food in my stomach. I just wanted to have her body shape so much! I wish I had fucking discipline. I wish my mother would say to me I need to start eating more.
She took a photo of this morning of me in my underwear while I was preparing my fucking breakfast, I laughed but when I looked at the photo my arse was fucking huge. I was so upset. WTF is wrong with me....JUST STOP EATING!
I want to learn how to count calories. But I don’t know the first thing about it! I want to exercise more...but I’m to fucking lazy. In short I’m my own worst enemy.
I just wish I could snap my fingers and weigh next to nothing. I wish all my clothes would be falling off me. I wish for hip bones and skinny mother fucking legs. I wish I wish I wish....
Midnight snack: chicken drumstick
Breakfast: half a piece of bread with peanut butter and 2x weatbix with banana and honey and milk
Lunch: popcorn and large diet soda (I went t the movies)
Dinner: Salad and salmon cake
Snacks: million x crackers, cookies and other crap!
God I’m not even trying. I should just quit and be a fucking fat slob! Why don’t I care? Why do I eat and eat and eat and then suddenly feel guilty...I'm fucking stuck in a circle of filth and I don’t care enough to get out of it but just enough to feel guilty. Every night I say ill start tomorrow, will cut back my intake, ill do this, ill do that...I never fucking do.
A complete failure that is me!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I’ve got a plan now; I’m down to desperate measures to lose weight. I’m going to do the cabbage soup diet. I’m going to start on Monday, I even told my mother that I want to do it and she's going to help me. So I’ll let you all know how it goes...I should lose at least 2kg in a week. I’m going to try and exercise at least 30mins a day as well, if only to go for a walk.
On the social side of life tomorrow I have an old friend from primary school and her friend coming over to stay Friday and Saturday night. I don’t have much to do with her anymore, but when I bump into her I’m polite and we hug and make small talk. I know she's using me for my house because she wants to stay down here in the big smoke for free. And I don’t mind I mean, she was once a good friend no? And it’s not like I’m going to be doing anything tomorrow and Saturday. She's invited me out on Friday night and I would never let anyone know but I went out and brought a sexy new black dress just so I’d have something stylish to wear. She's a fashion whore; she wears the fashion I only dream I could work. Only thing is she's about as skinny as me, maybe a kg or two skinner at most. So, I know this is really bad, but I’m not completely threatened by her. I know that’s so weird but it (gosh I can’t believe I’m opening up my heart on here) but myself worth is sooo low I constantly compare myself to skinnier prettier more fashionable girls. And if I’m not wearing the most up to date clothes, or my makeup isn’t perfect or I feel F-A-T, I just can’t stand to be around anyone or do anything. That’s pretty bad hey? They say anorexics feel they'll only be happy when they're thin, and they're never thin enough. That is me down to a T. I guess I just don’t have the self control to put it into practice. But any way I’m rambling, she's coming down and I feel awkward already. It could be fun, it should be fun, I hope its fun! Oh please let it be fun! It’s weird though she invited me out Friday night but not Saturday night and she'll be staying over Saturday night with her friend. I don’t expect them to invite me just because they're staying at my house but it’s going to be awkward when they're getting ready to go out and I’m just wondering about the house aimlessly and stuff. Err I am dreading that part. How friggen awkward!!!!
Other than that S still hasn’t contacted so who knows at this point. I’m so lost with it all, I’m just going to text him tomorrow and be like 'yo what the fuck is wrong with you dude? Act all keen and when I don’t have sleep with you, you just snob me?' but probably in different way lol. Any way I’m so depressed about my weight I can’t be bothered trying to jazz up my writing or even write anything else. Errrr....why me?
Breakfast: 2 ½ x weatbix, ½ x banana, milk and honey
Lunch: 1x hotdog, 2x hot chips (tried to thru this up but didn’t really work)
Snacks: Fucking everything under the sun!!! Million x crackers with hummus, banana, spoonfuls of spaghetti sauce, bread bread bread, chocolate, roasted chicken drumstick.... countless other things I randomly laid my greedy little fat fingers on!
Drinks: tea, water, milk
Weight: I didn’t get to weigh myself tonight but at about 4pm I was 62.7kg
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Today I went shopping with my parents for my birthday. I brought some jeans that I like but they're totally my fat jeans. The jeans I will wear now that I can’t fit into my 5 other pairs (that are like size 8s and 9s) because I can’t fucking stop eating! Damn I feel so fat! My fake tan is wearing off so I’m seeing big blobby pale bits about me especially when I wear jeans and a midriff top! Err...That boy (I’ll call him S cause his name starts with s) still hasn’t text me or facebooked me or anything! I know I’m obsessing I always do but like he was soooo keen. He would text me and contact me soo much, everyday! And now nothing, all done and gone! I’m so disappointed! I swear I’m cursed when it comes to men. I’m so glad I didn’t sleep with him though! They always seem so nice and so keen and interested and then something happens and BAM they just up and leave me standing there asking what happened? It has to be me, it keeps happening. I know I use to be clingy and what not but I’m NOT like that anymore. I know I’m not, but it’s fucking with my head. It’s sending me back into my dark place. I fucking hate games of the heart...
Breakfast: 2x weatbix, 3x strawberry, honey and milkLunch: Fucking hell fatty teriyaki salmon and riceAfternoon tea: Chicken salad sandwichDrinks: coke, milk, water, teaSnacks: banana, 2 x crackers
WHAT A FAT BITCH I AM!
Tomorrow I’m going to be really good and only eat breakfast and something small for afternoon tea. I want to lose this 3kg again. I know I can! And then once there is only a very small amount of food going into my body every day, my body will start to burn the fat for energy right? Right? I’ve got roughly 2 or so weeks till I move back to my hometown. I WILL be under 60 by that time!
Weight pm: 63.7...how embarrassing!
Monday, April 27, 2009
But I can see my old problems rising again. I am completely and utter consumed by the way men interact within my life. I lose myself in a guy...in a friggen month! It scares me to death that I latch onto someone that fast, and it scares me even more that 4 days away from my house and I pigged out hard core and put on all the weight I lost. You should see my fucking stomach it’s bloated and monstrous! I’m so ashamed. I’m gonna go straight back to my dieting ways, I just have to keep up with the inspiration to be thin and beautiful. Have to get that mind frame back that food is disgusting and unnecessary! I don’t know what to do about my man issues. I honestly bring them on myself but it’s just made me sooo depressed because its dragged up something I was trying to leave hidden in the shadows – my lack of emotional control and absolute and utter lack of any personality what so ever. I feel like a blank on the inside. Like nothing is inside me, I’m like a diseased apple - pretty on the outside but rotten on the inside. Like a Bright and colourful piece of paper but turn it over and all you find is a very forgettable dull white. Hollow, bland, boring, nothing...that’s me! I wish I could be funny, make jokes, have witty comebacks, and do something other than just laugh. But that’s all I do. When I meet a new person I hope to god they’re a talker because I have nothing to talk about myself. People ask what’s exciting about you and there is nothing to say! What do you talk about when you are so hollow on the inside? One time at uni we had to introduce ourselves to the person next to us and then present to the class what we learnt about them. I let the girl talk so much and barely said anything about me that when it came time for her to talk about me she realised she had nothing. There is nothing special about me, sure I have a pretty face (sometimes when I cake myself in fake tan and makeup) but who am I really? I don’t know...and I haven’t for 20 years...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
And i also wanted to record this fucking crazy arse dream i had! Dont worry i wont make it long and involved, it was just a quick dream anyway but what do you reckon it means? It scared the fuck out of me while i was dreaming it and after i woke up.
So anyway im in a bathroom with these girls that i just met a couple weeks ago for one day, and they're like let us do your makeup? And i was like okay but not too much, i really want to look natural today. Anyway they put all this foundation on me. Its totally the wrong colour when i look in the mirror and on my forhead there is a big orange smudge in the shape of a cross which reachs a little down my nose. so i start to rub it and it starts turning black and now there is this massive black cross smudged on my forhead! Suddenly its like looking into a screen and the background of the cross turns blood orange and black bats start flying out of the black cross ON MY FRIGEN FORHEAD. Needless to say im completely freaked out and the girl behind me starts screaming and i full into the bathtub behind me. The girl starts calling my name and i want to answer her and i feel normal but something is inside me is pulling my soul about, and all i can answer back is this demonic crazy growl and she freaks out and runs out and inside of my body i conciously say to myself 'god protect me, god look after me, god keep all the evil away from me and anything scary, god save me!' and i wake up in my bed!
If thats not the scariest fucking dream in the world i dunno what is! And thats not the first dream ive had like that, its just the first one in a long time...errr i hate this shit!
Besides that, because I have put my fake tan on and because I have lost 2kg I’m really happy at the moment annnd the best news is I got the job I really really wanted up in my home town. This means I’m moving back there! I’m so excited because it’s where all my friends are and I’ll be able to live by myself again, and its where that guy is! It’s going to be hard I will miss my parents but I’m so keen to live out of home again. I swear I feel thirteen yr old girl again living back here! And I guess I’ll be able to throw up and what not without them knowing but...I know I’m going to be tempted to eat bad food more when I’m out of home because I won’t be able to pay for fresh fruit and salad all the time. Err it’s like a trade off but I hope I’ve learnt enough self restraint to be able to do it. Also when I move back there I'll be able to try and fast for a day. I really want to see if I can do it, and how hungry I'll be the next day. Hmm I saw some thinspo the other day of a before and after shot and I swear before the girl was mega mega fat like size 12 or something gross and than a month and a half later it had a shot of her and I swear she was like heaps heaps skinnier...not skinny enough but if she can do that than I totally can! Any way I’m getting my hair coloured tomorrow and seeing that guy and staying at his house. I REALLY hope this long weekend goes well for me being back home!
Breakfast - small bowl of muesli, 1x strawberry, milk
Drinks - tea, water, milk
Snacks - half a piece peanut butter bread, 1 x cracker, 1x apple
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Besides all this I fly back to my home town on Thursday mid day, I’m a bit nervous! I’m getting my hair done and than I’m meeting that guy and staying at his house that night! I really don’t want to do anything stupid like sleep with him! I know the past me would totally do that and probably end up silently crying myself to sleep in a strangers bed, but I’m not the old me! I’m the new me soon to be skinny me and I won’t do anything stupid...I hope! Any way I could keep writing a novel here but I won’t. No one wants to hear my insecurities and problems right? Just as I don’t want to hear theirs...
Breakfast - muesli, 3x strawberries, milk