Tuesday, December 29, 2009


So today wasnt so bad.

I havent been able to stick to my diet becasue ive been so broke since i got back i dont even have enough money to buy muesli and apples and banana's lol. Its pretty depressing but on the other hand its good becuase ive not been eating as much casue literally cant afford it. Today i had a peice of toast with avocardo on it, and a cup or tea, one cup of coffee and one biscuit (i know horrible!!!! dumb cookie jar at work!). That was gonna be it but my flatmate rung me up and was like "i feel like viet noodle soup!" And its been raining and miserable here and it was the best weather to eat soup and she's like" ill shout you"

So i ate the friggen soup but all in all its less than i was eating last week. And its rice noodles so its not so bad right? right? right?....okay i know im a failure. I'll try harder tomorrow! Breakfast will be cereal with banana and blue berries. Lunch apple and banana. Dinner hopefully nothing! If im strong enough!

Just a quick update nothing really exciting to say....except my ex commented me on facebook! I couldnt believe it. My heart skipped a beat when i read his message. I wrote "i really wanna see avatar" as my status update (secretly hoping he would see it. We'd organised to watch it together last week but couldnt cause it was sold out and i said id call him to organise another night but i didnt cause i thought i shouldnt chase him) And he commented back "we should use the free tickets!"

I know i shouldnt read to much into it cause he just wants to see this movie alot and i do have free tickets and he knows that. So he could be using me but ....im so stupid i dont care. Im going to reply tomorrow that we should see it next week.

God im so weak! And yet im insanely happy he wants to see it with me. And in my fucked up stalker head i knew this was his day off so i couldnt stop thinking he was out courting that girl who's in all his pictures. My overly active imagintation does my head in seriously! My stalker ways actually scare me sometimes. But him writting on my status update means his not out and he probably just spent his day off at home resting...unless....maybe...she and him....NO! I WILL NOT BE SUCH A PSYCHO!!

But In my stupid insecure mind i cant stop these thoughts and to me this represents another chance to make him want me again. Another chance to wear fashionable clothes, have great hair and pretty makeup. (as long as it doesnt storm!) LOOK SKINNY and be interesting and make him fall for me again.

Make him want me.

Oh girls im so so bad at ana and im so so bad at self respect... seriously i havent lost any weight and i havent moved on from my ex at all!

But i cant complain cause i know deep down if i wanted to deny myself that cookie i could. If i didnt want to eat noodle soup i didnt have to. If i never wanted to hear from or see my ex again...all i need to do is delete him from my life.

I have the power its within my grasp...but i just wont seize it. I make excuses, find other reasons, procrastinate. And the life i want to lead lingers just behind the line i refuse to cross. Hidden in the shadows i so fondly and self destructively chase.

I am weak
I am a failure
I am nothing

1 comment:

Ana's Girl said...

Guard your heart, love. I really don't want him to break it again. And don't be so hard on yourself; you're stronger than you think!