Sunday, December 27, 2009

Update



Okay so the update is the crash diet isnt working a 100% mainly because im to weak to stick to it.
But i have been halving my food and today my mum made dips with biscuits cheese olives carrot sticks and stuff and i started chowing into it forgetting my voe. I felt so guilty i went and throw most of it back up.

My father took us out for thai tonight as well. I had one small bowl and no wine or desert.
Proud of myself for implementing the 50% less rule.

I haven't started jogging yet ive been heaps lazy cause im on holidays here and i didnt bring and jogging clothes. I fly back to my city tomorrow night so ill start the next day.

Im going on a diet. Its decided. I cant just not eat because i binge.

Next 4 days
Breakfast - muesli with fresh fruit & milk
Lunch - Apple & Banana
Snack - Diet coke
Dinner - 99% fat free soup (NO bread)

Jog everyday - 30mins

I did this about about 3 or 4 months ago for a week and lost like 2kg. I need to have a good breakfast so i don't get hungry till late in the day. I'm so not a real ana.... disgraceful!

On another note my i fucking hate facebook. All it does is upset you...seriously! My ex is tagged in so many photos with skinny cute girls. This one girl in particular keeps popping up in them and they're always really close in them. A normal person wouldn't notice it but because im a psycho who's still in-like with him i notice it. I wouldn't be surprised if she's the reason he stopped liking me. Fucking bitch... guess this is what it feels like not to be the other girl. To be the girlfriend who's bf was stolen away.

Im always the other girl, stealing men from their girlfriends. I never thought about it till now. It hurts. ....But if they dont respect they're relationship why should i? You know its not like i hold men down and make them kiss me and etc. They willingly do it.

But fuck him, the moment she started appearing in photos was the moment our relationship started to die. Its been like almost two months and i still cant get over him. Is it my addictive fucked up clingy scared to be alone personality...or did i just actually fall for him?

The other week i called him because i was missing him so much. He was so nice to me on the phone and offered to hang out. I couldnt believe it i was deliriously happy. When the day came everything went wrong. First it stormed and all the power went off so i couldnt do my hair or makeup for like 2hrs. Than he didnt get my txt saying i would be late. Than when i arrived he pretty much ignored me for 2mins when i came through the door as he played a stupid game on his iphone. Thats a really long time to ignore a person when they walk into your home and stand infront of you. And the storm had made my makeup run and my hair frizzy and curly.

When we started talking (which he loathes!) he basically said he didnt like me anymore. Something had changed and he didnt know what. I was so upset i started crying silently and he held me and we fell asleep. We woke up in the middle of the night and had sex. Only it wasnt like the way we use to have sex. This was just fucking. This was just pleasure for him- plain and simple. He didnt hold me after like he use to. I dont feel used cause i intiated it but it just reinforced the fact that its over for him.

Why cant it be over for me to? He even said it himself "Why do you like me i never txt or call you" And i was like "i dont know". Like I text him merry Christmas the other day and he didn't reply. He is so cold to me and i bet he wants me to stop talking to him but i cant. I have no self respect for myself i chase shadows all the time. I chase the past that is never coming back. I never let go until there is nothing left holding on to. Until i burn all the bridges.

I really want to call him when i get home. REALLY REALLY REALLY... i don't know if he'll answer he did last time but... can i do this to myself again?

Sorry for the rant on my ex. I left my journal at home and i haven't had a medium to get down any thoughts for a few days.

...i guess ill go now

ps thank you to the girls that replied to my post. It means a lot to me to know someone else is starting again too or that your there thinking of me if only for two seconds.


3 comments:

Ophelia said...

Oooh that is one of my all time fave thinspo pics - Jimmy Choo right? Best thinspo for legs - love it.

I'm sorry to hear about all the emotions your going through with your ex. I know what you mean when you talk about chasing shadows, not being able to let go, having no self respect etc. I've done it so many times myself, and still do it. It's like so much of my self worth comes from whichever man I have targeted to feed my emotions. There is no logic in it.
The food plan sounds good, I hope it works well again. Try not to torture yourself about the facebook photos - rememeber that 90% of them are posted with the intention of envy in mind.
Love Ophelia xx

Ana's Girl said...

Your ex sounds like a jerk... You should forget him (i know, easier said than done) because he's just going to use you and hurt you more. Be careful with your heart, hunny.

Kate said...

Your profile says "I often feel like I don’t even know myself, but than I wonder do I really want to?"

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I think you might find my blog interesting too based on your last post. Let me know what you think. xoxo -Kate http://proanaquest.blogspot.com/