Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Fucking Christmas

Its christmas and i've ballooned to a disgusting 65kg. I dont know whats wrong with me i just cant stop eating. I ate all day today and i know its christmas so its suppose to be okay but its not really and i feel fat and disgusting. I use to get drunk and look in the mirror and think "jesus lovely me... you're really skinny" cause i couldnt see it when i was sober. Now i get drunk, look in the mirror and think "jesus lovely me.... you're really fucking fat!" Cause now i think my body weight is okay when im sober.

Its pathetic, and the worst thing is im ridiculously jealous of girls who use to be really fat, than get painfully skinny... and have no cellulite! WTF? . My fat ugly tree trunk legs and cellulite legs are a disgrace!

I have to get skinny, i have to loose weight before i go back to England. I dont want the guy i like to see me and think oh she looks the same. I want him to see me and think..... "fuuuuck she's lost weight". I want him to pick me up and swing me around and say i look amazing. I want to be 57kg. I want liposuction to reshape my bum, i want cellulite treatment. I want skinny sexy legs and a cute bum. i want tight abs and sticky outty hips, with jutting clavicles. I want cheek bones and skinny little arms. I want i want i want.... and what will i do to get it...??

Im starting my exercise again tomorrow. Jogging everyday, cutting down my intake of food (which will be so hard!) I can do this, i will do this. I will loose 7 kg!!! I have to loose 7kg. Xx

Thursday, December 15, 2011

It Starts Today

It starts today, and oh how i've missed it.

Missed the bones, missed the hunger, Missed the beauty.

I will be skinny again.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

End of a Year

So much has happened this year. I feel that ive grown a lot as a person. I was so young, so naive - specially when it came to men. Men seemed to be my existence for living. What does that say about myself? How i see myself? How i love myself?

I feel subtle changes. I still obsess about weight, although the way i go about is different (for now anyway). Im eating healthy and exercising everyday. I have cellulite. It wont disappear from not eating. I need to exercise. I need to move the blood around my body, drink water, cut out salt alcohol and smoking. When i run now i encourage myself. I say this is for you, this is for a more beautiful more happy you. You can do it. Instead of "you fat fucking bitch, keep running. You're the one who ate that cookie, slice of cake, pizza etc. You did this to yourself, disgusting!"How awful i was to myself. How much i hated myself? Why? Because a boy didnt like me...Please? Lovely me get a grip. Men will come and go, but you are the only thing that will stay.

I cant say that im perfect and tomorrow i might be fall a little into my black hole, but not so far. Not so deep. I can climb out now...for now.

Current weight: 63g
Goal Weight: 59kg

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Lost 3 kg

<3 Ive got a big thing for skinny thighs at the moment and sharp hip bones. <3

Okay so it is the morning and its true i havent eaten anything yet. But now i weigh 62kg. Im very pleased but its not enough. I need to loose more. Today im going to go for a jog. And continue my soup diet. I put my favourite fake tan on so immediately i feel like i lost 2 kg but i gotta be smart and know as soon as my pale skin comes back ill feel fat and ugly. I know i can be strong and stick to my diet. I want to be below 60kg before i got back to my home town in aus where all my friends live. I want to impress when i get back to england. I want to be desired. I want to be ano thin. I want this so bad. I can do it.

I posted it before but this thinspiration is nothing less than amazing!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The old Me

This is the old me...look how skinny i am. My dress is falling off me. I will be like this again. I will be skinny. Look at my arms. There like little sticks. No fat on my face. I want to be like this again. Now i weigh 65kg, Thats disgusting. Im on holiday in australia at the moment for 3 weeks. By the time i go home i will be under 60kg...aiming for 57. I can do it right? Believe in yourself lovely me. And stick to your soup diet. We can be beautiful and Thin...we can do this...x

Monday, January 17, 2011

Roma and Life beyond

So i went to Roma Italy...for free! I had an amazing time. Ate lots of pasta and pizza and cheese and wine. And chocolate. It was not a good food conscious holiday. But it was amazing. I went with this man i never even really spoke to. He just up and invited me to go with him. A local in my pub who works near us. Call him Mr. Italian. He's gorgeous naturally but a bit short. Any way we spend a wonderful 6 days together. Living in each others pockets. And he goes from being his man i was completely not interested in to being madly in love with. Not Good. We get back to london and we text and talk but of course he doesnt want to live in my pocket anymore. I get insecure. Start calling him and texting him to much. Stop being chased and start chasing. I invite myself over. Half drunk. Had a mini fight, but was okay. We start fucking and i freak out and start crying about 'What happened' 5 months ago. Of course he doesnt understand. So i tell him for some stupid reason. ....FUCK! Its ruined. I ruined a perfectly good relationship....again!

What is wrong with me? Im so clingy and needy. I destroy men. I turn good men into arseholes. I know there is something wrong with me, but i only remember once its to late.

Im eating less. And ive stopped weighing myself. I made a promise to myself not to eat chocolate for the month of january and so far so good. Ive been looking at thinspo and i really want to fast. Ive been doing the only eat two meals a day. Make sure you dont starve...if you're hungry eat an apple or banana. I Eat half the portions of dinner i normally would. But i just want to skip dinner all together. I always eat breakfast but i want to be painfully skinny. Summer is coming and i want to wear little shorts and skirts. I want to show off my flat tummy and my sharp hip bones. Pencil legs. I want to be beautiful. I will be beautiful...eventually. Xx