Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The return of an old Friend

Mia has returned to me. And oh how ive missed her. And ana well she's here in the sense that when i look in the mirror i see disgusting fat empassing my thighs, calves, ass, arms, tummy, face ...the list goes on right down to my wrists! Yes my wrists are fat!

How might you ask did they return? Well they returned with my old friend sorrow.

Sorrow that my flatmate saw my ex walking down the street with his new girlfriend hand in hand.
Sorrow that i txted him the day before and he txted back straight away saying lets meet next week... maybe. And my heart literally skipped a beat.
Sorrow that i txted him the next night when his facebook said he cut up his face diving in a shallow pool and he never txt back...because he was with her.

Im sick of being fat. I want to waste away to nothing. I want to be hollow so my emotions have no home in me. Nothing to stick to. Nothing ...Nothing but emptiness and loneliness.

Where nothing can feed and nothing can fester. Nothing can dig in its claws and rip out my heart.

Every day i pass his fucking house on the bus. Every day i fucking hear something mentioned about his god forsaken country.

Every fucking day he is somewhere mentioned in my life.

Who am i? I do not know this person. I am not myself.

Every day i grow sader, ever day i grow heavier. When all i wantis to be light and fly away. I want the wind to take me far away. Travel across these lands to another place where i am not broken.

Where i am strong and i do not get my self worth from the men i attach myself to.

I hope they were dating when we fucked. I hope we fuck again so i can meet her by chance and ruin their relationship. I hope she screws him over so he feels like shit, like i do now. So he can feel this hatred that overwhelms my body that seeps into my every pore, my every being.

Im glad his 2010 has started so shit, karma is a bitch!

...At least she is ugly!

...but where does prettiness get you when you still dont get the man?


Africana said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I can totally relate. Mia is a total bitch who always manages to show up especially when we are feeling such sorrows.

Hold on. I know it doesn't feel like it but as the saying goes (and I believe) "this too shall pass".

I send you strength.

Stay lovely.

Ana's Girl said...

I know just what you're saying about feeling fat EVERYWHERE. My wrists are fat too! Let's waste away together. Hope you feel better, love.

Perfecting my Emptiness said...

oh come on, u are a waste???why because a fucking retard has dumped you???believe me, it can get worse, like your hole family to dump you literally, i am sick and tired to see everyone saying oh, my life is so hard, people you don't know what hard is, i fucking mutilate my body for what a stupid fucked up person that used to be my dad, made me.
He had mutilated my heart in every way known and unknown....i am a very pessimistic person, and not saying that you are not in pain, not even by far, i am just trying to make you realize that it can be a lot more hell, believe me, I've been there, done that.
so whenever you feel like shit, think about this"it can get worse so that means it can get better"
this is just a shitty lie:))i tell myself this everyday, and everyday it gets worse.
Don't hate me for this comment. I didn't mean it like a bad thing.
Hope to not scare you away:)
"Perfecting my Emptiness"