I cant imagine what it must look like from the outside looking in. Im a very fucked up person. More than i realise. More than i let on.
I think ive got some deep seated fear of being alone, not being worthy. I dont know where it came from. Im SOO clingy. And so insecure. Since i could remember. I use to cry myself into hysterics when my mum would drop me off at pre-school. In primary school i use to cry myself to sleep at night cause i wasnt in the in the "cool" group. And in high school i found out about boys and oh my did it all go down hill.
I constantly compare myself to unrealistic idols. Women airbrushed to the max, or people of a differnt race or body shape and wonder why am the way i am? And how much it'd cost to get lipo, or a boob job, or hair exstenions, or fake nails, or a fake tan, or a fake life...than would i be happy?
This insecure state of mind is what led me to my eating disorder. This insecure state of mind is what led me to men and finding my self worth in their opinion of me. Their approval.
Which i never get becuase i always choose men i shouldnt. Do i seek them out on purpose? Do i attach myself to men who i know will tread on me and push me down? Men who will cheat and make me feel worthless. Fat. Ugly. A waste of a fucking human being?
Or do i do it to myself. Do i turn these normal men into assholes? Do i push them away with my crazy paranoia? With my constant nagging? With my relentless need for love and affection? For approval? For acceptance?
Where does it end...where does it even fucking begin?
Im eating less and less. Throwing up more and more. At least this is always here. Always constant. Forever on my mind. At least this will never leave me....