Thursday, January 7, 2010

Thank you

Just wanna say thank you to the people that read my blog. It blows my mind that people actually take the time to sit there and read about my miserable life.

I cant imagine what it must look like from the outside looking in. Im a very fucked up person. More than i realise. More than i let on.

I think ive got some deep seated fear of being alone, not being worthy. I dont know where it came from. Im SOO clingy. And so insecure. Since i could remember. I use to cry myself into hysterics when my mum would drop me off at pre-school. In primary school i use to cry myself to sleep at night cause i wasnt in the in the "cool" group. And in high school i found out about boys and oh my did it all go down hill.

I constantly compare myself to unrealistic idols. Women airbrushed to the max, or people of a differnt race or body shape and wonder why am the way i am? And how much it'd cost to get lipo, or a boob job, or hair exstenions, or fake nails, or a fake tan, or a fake life...than would i be happy?

This insecure state of mind is what led me to my eating disorder. This insecure state of mind is what led me to men and finding my self worth in their opinion of me. Their approval.

Which i never get becuase i always choose men i shouldnt. Do i seek them out on purpose? Do i attach myself to men who i know will tread on me and push me down? Men who will cheat and make me feel worthless. Fat. Ugly. A waste of a fucking human being?

Or do i do it to myself. Do i turn these normal men into assholes? Do i push them away with my crazy paranoia? With my constant nagging? With my relentless need for love and affection? For approval? For acceptance?

Where does it end...where does it even fucking begin?

Im eating less and less. Throwing up more and more. At least this is always here. Always constant. Forever on my mind. At least this will never leave me....


embre said...

the bad boy fisade strikes all of us at some point in our lives, some of us more than once. guys suck and sometimes life would be a whole lot easier if they all just disappeared. if anything just take a break from dating for a while and when you decide that you want to take a chance with a man agian try to look outside of your comfort zone, the best guys out there may not be the prettiest or strongest but if they respect you and love you then its worth it.

hang in there


Ana's Girl said...

When you find the price tag on the fake, happy life, let me know. I'd so be willing to buy that!
Trust me, darling, it's the stupid boys, not you. Someday, you'll find one who truly loves you, and not one who just uses you, but they're hard to come by.. Keep looking. You deserve someone fantastic.

Quest2Thin said...

I know exactly how you feel. I too have bulimia clinging on my back. A year ago I thought I was done with her forever, but then I looked in the mirror and realized I really need her.

And the fake lifestyle syndrome stems from the craziness that is fame. Hollywood is so false but for some reason it's everything we want to be.

Don't beat yourself up so much hun. After ana/mia swallows you up, your mental health is all you have left.

ciao, fiona.