Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Hard to Handle

I love this photo, its such a contrast.
It looks like the same girl in two different extremes.
Its an inspiration for me!

I'm really trying to get back to my old ways, but it’s very difficult and the hunger is so hard to handle! I'm eating like a horse, 3 meals a day or something like that, that’s disgusting! It’s like when I see the food I lose myself in it, and I just have to eat it all. And then afterwards about 5mins later I feel really full and sick. Like the food inside me is poison and it’s infecting my body with dirty fat! I feel like my stomach is saying "damn girl did you see how much you just ate? This shit is coming back up!" and I swear to god I subconsciously give myself reflux. It sucks balls!

Today I went shopping with my parents for my birthday. I brought some jeans that I like but they're totally my fat jeans. The jeans I will wear now that I can’t fit into my 5 other pairs (that are like size 8s and 9s) because I can’t fucking stop eating! Damn I feel so fat! My fake tan is wearing off so I’m seeing big blobby pale bits about me especially when I wear jeans and a midriff top! Err...That boy (I’ll call him S cause his name starts with s) still hasn’t text me or facebooked me or anything! I know I’m obsessing I always do but like he was soooo keen. He would text me and contact me soo much, everyday! And now nothing, all done and gone! I’m so disappointed! I swear I’m cursed when it comes to men. I’m so glad I didn’t sleep with him though! They always seem so nice and so keen and interested and then something happens and BAM they just up and leave me standing there asking what happened? It has to be me, it keeps happening. I know I use to be clingy and what not but I’m NOT like that anymore. I know I’m not, but it’s fucking with my head. It’s sending me back into my dark place. I fucking hate games of the heart...

Breakfast: 2x weatbix, 3x strawberry, honey and milkLunch: Fucking hell fatty teriyaki salmon and riceAfternoon tea: Chicken salad sandwichDrinks: coke, milk, water, teaSnacks: banana, 2 x crackers

Tomorrow I’m going to be really good and only eat breakfast and something small for afternoon tea. I want to lose this 3kg again. I know I can! And then once there is only a very small amount of food going into my body every day, my body will start to burn the fat for energy right? Right? I’ve got roughly 2 or so weeks till I move back to my hometown. I WILL be under 60 by that time!

Weight pm: 63.7...how embarrassing!

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