Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hotdog Trigger

It’s so hard to get back into that mind frame. I’m snacking all the time and eating so much bullshit it’s not even funny. Today and yesterday I had a Am I even serious about losing the weight? Seriously am I? I don’t even fucking know anymore. More than anything I want to be skinny but I just eat soooo much all the time! And today I can’t believe myself. I wasn’t even hungry but my mega trigger food is sausages especially hotdogs! I LOVE hotdogs although I don’t eat red meat I do eat chicken so my father cooked chicken hotdogs and I said I wasn’t hungry but he knows I love them so he cooked me one anyway. So he comes in with it and I couldn’t help myself. I just lost myself in it, totally devoured it! Than half way through I felt really guilty and I should have stopped! But I didn’t, I went and took a big drink of water and kept eating thinking 'I'll just have a shower and throw it up!’ Well of course as always when I got in the shower and tried to throw up nothing would come up! I was sooooo pissed off, I felt like such a failure I couldn’t believe I had a chance to stop eating the pure fat and I didn’t! I started actually crying in the shower because I couldn’t get the disgusting dirty food out of my tummy! In the end I decided I wouldn’t eat again today but of course I did. I snacked on this that and the other. However I am proud my mother cooked an awesome spaghetti tonight and I was so tempted to eat it! But I didn’t! I only ended up eating some of the sauce. But I saved myself from all those empty carbs! Man I’m so glad I didn’t eat it!!!! And I’ve learnt a lesson from this – I will never again eat something thinking I’ll just go thru it up because I know I might not be able to!

I’ve got a plan now; I’m down to desperate measures to lose weight. I’m going to do the cabbage soup diet. I’m going to start on Monday, I even told my mother that I want to do it and she's going to help me. So I’ll let you all know how it goes...I should lose at least 2kg in a week. I’m going to try and exercise at least 30mins a day as well, if only to go for a walk.

On the social side of life tomorrow I have an old friend from primary school and her friend coming over to stay Friday and Saturday night. I don’t have much to do with her anymore, but when I bump into her I’m polite and we hug and make small talk. I know she's using me for my house because she wants to stay down here in the big smoke for free. And I don’t mind I mean, she was once a good friend no? And it’s not like I’m going to be doing anything tomorrow and Saturday. She's invited me out on Friday night and I would never let anyone know but I went out and brought a sexy new black dress just so I’d have something stylish to wear. She's a fashion whore; she wears the fashion I only dream I could work. Only thing is she's about as skinny as me, maybe a kg or two skinner at most. So, I know this is really bad, but I’m not completely threatened by her. I know that’s so weird but it (gosh I can’t believe I’m opening up my heart on here) but myself worth is sooo low I constantly compare myself to skinnier prettier more fashionable girls. And if I’m not wearing the most up to date clothes, or my makeup isn’t perfect or I feel F-A-T, I just can’t stand to be around anyone or do anything. That’s pretty bad hey? They say anorexics feel they'll only be happy when they're thin, and they're never thin enough. That is me down to a T. I guess I just don’t have the self control to put it into practice. But any way I’m rambling, she's coming down and I feel awkward already. It could be fun, it should be fun, I hope its fun! Oh please let it be fun! It’s weird though she invited me out Friday night but not Saturday night and she'll be staying over Saturday night with her friend. I don’t expect them to invite me just because they're staying at my house but it’s going to be awkward when they're getting ready to go out and I’m just wondering about the house aimlessly and stuff. Err I am dreading that part. How friggen awkward!!!!

Other than that S still hasn’t contacted so who knows at this point. I’m so lost with it all, I’m just going to text him tomorrow and be like 'yo what the fuck is wrong with you dude? Act all keen and when I don’t have sleep with you, you just snob me?' but probably in different way lol. Any way I’m so depressed about my weight I can’t be bothered trying to jazz up my writing or even write anything else. Errrr....why me?

Breakfast: 2 ½ x weatbix, ½ x banana, milk and honey
Lunch: 1x hotdog, 2x hot chips (tried to thru this up but didn’t really work)
Snacks: Fucking everything under the sun!!! Million x crackers with hummus, banana, spoonfuls of spaghetti sauce, bread bread bread, chocolate, roasted chicken drumstick.... countless other things I randomly laid my greedy little fat fingers on!
Drinks: tea, water, milk

Weight: I didn’t get to weigh myself tonight but at about 4pm I was 62.7kg

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