Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Getting better...or getting worse?

Well tonight I ran out of luck. I had to have dinner with my parents, it was a sit down dinner as well, at the table with my mum and dad, but thankfully my parents aren’t clued on to me at all, I mean I’ve not even noticeably lost any weight yet anyway so they've got no idea. It was steamed carrots, bok choy and mushrooms with fried rice and chicken. Unfortunately I couldn’t go have a shower and throw up my dinner afterwards because id just put fake tan all over me and it'd all wash off if I went into the shower that soon, so I had to keep it all down. I felt like such a fat failure eating it! I would have been completely happy to not eat anything till tomorrow but I bet my mother would have been all like suspicious. It’s weird though because I wasn’t hungry at all, and looking at the meal I didn’t see food, all I saw was calories and filthy fatting food! And it scared me; I’ve never really looked at normal food before and felt that. I mean sure I’ve looked at cookies and ice cream and chippies and totally agonised over whether or not to eat it, but never vegies and stuff. It was weird and I don’t know if it’s better or worse this way? I know it means I’m slowly changing my view on food from something pleasurable to something disgusting and wrong. And is that really good? At the moment I’m going to go with yes because I want to get thinner and these are the kind of thoughts that are going to get me there.

Besides that, because I have put my fake tan on and because I have lost 2kg I’m really happy at the moment annnd the best news is I got the job I really really wanted up in my home town. This means I’m moving back there! I’m so excited because it’s where all my friends are and I’ll be able to live by myself again, and its where that guy is! It’s going to be hard I will miss my parents but I’m so keen to live out of home again. I swear I feel thirteen yr old girl again living back here! And I guess I’ll be able to throw up and what not without them knowing but...I know I’m going to be tempted to eat bad food more when I’m out of home because I won’t be able to pay for fresh fruit and salad all the time. Err it’s like a trade off but I hope I’ve learnt enough self restraint to be able to do it. Also when I move back there I'll be able to try and fast for a day. I really want to see if I can do it, and how hungry I'll be the next day. Hmm I saw some thinspo the other day of a before and after shot and I swear before the girl was mega mega fat like size 12 or something gross and than a month and a half later it had a shot of her and I swear she was like heaps heaps skinnier...not skinny enough but if she can do that than I totally can! Any way I’m getting my hair coloured tomorrow and seeing that guy and staying at his house. I REALLY hope this long weekend goes well for me being back home!

Breakfast - small bowl of muesli, 1x strawberry, milk
Lunch - salad with olives, feta, capsicum, avocado, mushroom, corn, tuna, baked potato, light sour cream, light dressing
Dinner - steamed carrots, steamed bok choy, lightly cooked mushroom, half a piece of very small chicken breast, a few mouthfuls of rice

Drinks - tea, water, milk
Snacks - half a piece peanut butter bread, 1 x cracker, 1x apple

weight pm : 61.9 (eeer thats totally because i didnt get to throw up!)
Here's some thinspo i completely just stole from perfect thinspo...i just love it though!

1 comment:

SophiaRuins said...

i went through the same thing a few months back.
like food isnt something good its something terrible thats not supposed to be eaten, no matter what it is.
i think it was that mind frame that really got me into gear though, so i think its a good thing.

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3