Monday, April 20, 2009


I've been doing some research lately about e.d's and I think I’m in denial. I’ve never really thought I had an eating disorder not even when I was in high school and I lost like 7kg from not eating and throwing my dinner up every night in the shower. Damn I wish I had that discipline again! It feels like it happened over night but I know it didn’t! It happened over about 2 or 3 months. And I had a really big goal as well, the formal. And I’d just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 yrs so I was all fat and gross from not caring! Err I hate it when people get like that. I will never ever allow myself to get like that ever again even if I get another boyfriend of 3 years that’s disgusting! Well I’m older now and I weigh 61.5 when I weighed myself! I’m quite happy with my progress (a loss of 2kg) at least I know something is working! I’m exercising but probably not enough and I am eating which makes me think I’m not ana or mia! I mean it’s not like I throw up everything I eat! I only throw up when I feel really guilty about what I’ve eaten, which is normally if I have dinner. I’ve been really lucky lately though, and my parents haven’t been focusing on me and I haven’t eaten dinner in about 3 or 4 nights - I’m so pleased with myself although last night I was incredibly hungry!

So back to the research I think there is something wrong with me, I don’t know what it is or when it started but I look in the mirror and I’m FAT. I really don’t like a lot of the things about my body and I look to the mirror a lot to get my confidence. If what’s staring back at me isn’t perfect I’m miserable for the whole day! Sometimes it’s so bad I won’t even go out clubbing and make excuses not to see my friends or do things! One of my biggest draw backs is I compare myself to other girls and it upsets me no end when I see fashionable skinny girls that I want to be like or fat girls who don’t have any fucking cellulite!?! WTF?!?! It’s like your disgusting filthy fat bitch, look at you chow down on that burger don’t you see its making you dirty from the inside out? But where the heck is your damn cellulite? Why do I have cellulite? It’s fucking unfair! I think my bad cellulite might have something to do with the fact that my weight over the last 3 years or so has gone up and down. I know in the start of 2007 I was heaps fat than I started throwing up all my meals and not eating and I lost 7kg than after I graduated high school I became addicted to amphetamines and I lost a further 5 kg, I was sooo skinny! I loved it; I was 49kgs and 5ft 8. OMG it was beautiful I use to sway my body slightly to the side and my ribs would stick out to the max...I can’t explain the absolute and total satisfaction of putting on jeans that were really tight and now hang off you like a giant sack. The way other girls look at you and are envious! The way you feel when they say 'omg you're so skinny!' The weird thing was I never really felt that skinny when I was 49kg. Gosh how stupid I was! I’d give anything to be that weight now! I’m like 12kg heavier than that now! Pfft but then I gave up my drug use and slowly gained weight. Let me tell you something anyone who reads this don’t ever turn to amphetamines to loose weight because once you quit (and it’s VERY difficult) you eat more and weigh more than you've ever weighed in your life! It’s because you forgot how to eat, your body is so fucked up its just like FOOD FOOD FOOD, and you eat until you feel like you’re going to burst. I was fucking stupid though and thought oh ill never gain the weight back I’m fine! So I ate whatever I wanted and fucking hell I went up to 65kg I reckon or maybe even more! Thinking about that makes me sick! Physically sick! What a fat cow I was - still am! But I’m seriously doing something about it now! And I’m loosing the pounds if only very very slowly! There is a boy on the scene now as well, and I can't imagine him touching my fatty cellulite areas omg it makes me shiver to imagine him with me. Oh gosh I need to loose so much weight. There is nothing more confidence boosting than lying in bed and having your hip bones reaching out for the sky or having your man wrap his arms around you and make you feel so small and protected. I want those cheek bones back...I’m gonna get them, I am! But I’m just a little scared of you ana - I’m scared if I truly embrace you, I’ll never come back...

Breakfast - muesli 3x strawberries, milk
Afternoon tea - chicken curry with rice
Snacks - 1x apple, 1x cracker
drinks - water, milk, tea

Weight am - 61.5
pm - 62.0

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