Saturday, May 2, 2009

A complete failure that is me!

I keep reading all my pro ana blogs that I love and I just can’t help but feel like a complete failure. Like a fake. Ana and Mia aren’t my friends...well maybe mia because I thru up like my life depends on it, but it’s not getting me thin and I’m worried its gonna do mega damage to my insides. I just can't stop eating and its pissing me off so much. I feel like a fat cow, like a slob, gluttony my biggest sin! I feel like I’m just stuffing my face. I know my problem is that I snack and I don’t say no to myself. I just eat a bite of this a bite of that, and it all adds up! I know it’s unhealthy and I know it’s wrong but I want ana to be my friend, I want her to be with me. Show me how to be beautiful and skinny. How to be slender and graceful. To refuse any food anywhere near me. Like that beautiful skinny girl that kindly refuses all the food at a party or BBQ while I sit there and stuff my fucking face! I realise I don’t know how to eat properly. When to know that I’m full and eating out of boredom, or just as something to do.

Last night I went out drinking and I met a fucking skinny ass chick. I was talking to her and I couldn't help but notice on her right hand, on her pointer and middle knuckles she had big red sores, like the sores I use to get on my knuckles when I tried sooooooo hard to throw up every ounce of disgusting food in my stomach. I just wanted to have her body shape so much! I wish I had fucking discipline. I wish my mother would say to me I need to start eating more.

She took a photo of this morning of me in my underwear while I was preparing my fucking breakfast, I laughed but when I looked at the photo my arse was fucking huge. I was so upset. WTF is wrong with me....JUST STOP EATING!

I want to learn how to count calories. But I don’t know the first thing about it! I want to exercise more...but I’m to fucking lazy. In short I’m my own worst enemy.

I just wish I could snap my fingers and weigh next to nothing. I wish all my clothes would be falling off me. I wish for hip bones and skinny mother fucking legs. I wish I wish I wish....

Midnight snack: chicken drumstick
Breakfast: half a piece of bread with peanut butter and 2x weatbix with banana and honey and milk
Lunch: popcorn and large diet soda (I went t the movies)
Dinner: Salad and salmon cake
Snacks: million x crackers, cookies and other crap!

God I’m not even trying. I should just quit and be a fucking fat slob! Why don’t I care? Why do I eat and eat and eat and then suddenly feel guilty...I'm fucking stuck in a circle of filth and I don’t care enough to get out of it but just enough to feel guilty. Every night I say ill start tomorrow, will cut back my intake, ill do this, ill do that...I never fucking do.

A complete failure that is me!

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