Something weird just happened. My bro came home stoned off his face looking for something to eat and saw my dinner from last night that i hadnt touched. Of course he didnt even ask if he could have it he just started chowing it down but than he said something weird to me.
"didnt eat your dinner again huh?"
wtf is that suppose to mean? it could just be harmless he's always poking fun at me but it was weird when i asked him what he ment he was just said something like
"oh no nothing im just making an observation"
I hope he's not on to me, i thought i'd been so secretive... but really who fucking cares im outta this place in 9 days! And i got so much dirt on that kid anyway. He cant say a word or ill tell my folks what extra curicular activities he gets up to every afternoon, the very same activities that sent him 'away'.
So I blew out last night, i went to a dinner party wth my parents. Drunk a whole bottle of wine to myself and needless to say i was well into the food. I guess i didnt massively pig out, but i still ate alot! Im worried the main reason i went to the party was because i knew my father would buy me a bottle of wine. And all i could think about was getting drunk and not caring about anything anymore...thats bad isnt it?
Today was just average to bad. Beakfast was muesli, lunch was an apple and nuts with dried fruit, and than just before i had a rather large bowl of home made veggie soup. Snacks included about 10 hot chips my father brought (i couldnt help myself - hot chips are my trigger food) and 1 less-than-one-gram-of-fat cookie.
Im not really in a happy place at the moment. I know no one even bothers to read my blog, i dont lead an exciting enough life to warrant attention. But im sick of being boring, im sick of being hollow. Im sick of feeling like ive got nothing in common with anyone and that im a fake. I feel like i dont have a personality. I cant do anything right and im never happy with what i have. Its always been like this for me, i felt like i never fit in at primary school, never in high school and now not in my young adult life. I have nothing exciting to say, im not one of those people you feel instantly comfortable with or one of those people you want to talk to because they're funny and 'cool'. Fuck i cant even get a boy to like me, i fuck up all my friendships.
I wonder is it the drugs that have killed me inside, or was i born like this? I want to ask my parents if my family has a history of depression but im too scared they'll wonder why im asking and things will get awkward.
Or maybe all i want is another pipe. Another hit, another round with my old friend...I cant believe its been since august 2008 since i got high and i still think about it everyday. Still want it, still feel that pull in my chest.
Man im a fuck up...maybe if i was thin everything would be better or at least it would on the outside.