Ok so this is my very first blog. I've never really done one of these before and I’m not really sure how its gonna work....but I figured today was as good a day as any to start. Wait scrape that today is soooo much better than any other day to start. Today I was a mother funking WOMAN!! Shall I start from the beginning?
Well now as ever woman does (and if they don’t they're mutants I tell you MUTANTS!) I was checking my flabby bits out in the mirror as I contemplated eating another one of my flat mates disgusting but ever so tempting two day old donuts. Yes there is nothing more satisfying than the forbidden circle of undeniable cellulite sprinkled with a lil' extra sugar accompanied with nice cuppa tea! Any way I decided that I’d be strong (and maybe avoid an awkward chat with my roomy about the disappearance of most of her sugary treats) and go for a jog. Yes that’s right I said it, a jog! To be honest with you I haven’t gone on a jog for many many a months. But looking in the mirror stuffing myself full of food I really didn’t need and watching my posterior grow in slow motion I decided enough was enough! Plus I kindda had maccas for breakfast with the ever so strange but lovely Mr. K sooooo a jog was in the cards. (Who’s Mr. K I hear u ask, we'll save that for next time shall we?)
So lacing my trainers up thinking about how they were almost 2 years old now and hardly had a mark on them, yes I’m very devoted to my exercise, deciding on whether or not I was going to do a half assed jog or go all in and give it everything when I notice a txt from an old friend. Hey hon, we should catch up. Are you working tonight? No I’m not working; yes I want to catch up. I send my reply Love to, going for a jog call you when I get back. Hell yeah things are looking up, going out tonight, massive blisters on my feet from last Saturday nights escapades don’t hurt in my running shoes and I’m actually getting my white ghetto booty out there for my 30mins!
So the run is a major effort but I do it and I reckon I do it well. I try to look like those super fit chicks you see running with all the designer gear on, and the personal trainer type bodies. I don’t think it pull it off very well cause half the time my face is as red as a friggen beetroot (damn u pale skin) and the other half I huffing and wezzing my lungs up...oh yeah sexy! But I do it never the less. Yes one for lovelyme zero to fatty miserable cellulite! I came home grab my keys from the secret hiding place (which really isn’t that secret if I think about it) and let myself into the apartment, flash the light on and ARRRGGHHH!!! RAT RAT RAT!! There's a big disgusting god forsaken devil rodent in my apartment! Grossss!!!! And it’s under my pretty red lounge. Needless to say I freak out and run into my room grab the nearest towel which isn’t hard since my room is a Mecca for all things disorderly and misplaced and stuff it under the door and do some serious breathing! I really do NOT want to deal with this particular problem. I never realised how much of a girl I was until this point, but c'mon its friggen rat...in my apartment no less. So I call my best friend's Boyfriend and complain to him seeing he’s supposed to be the man of the house. Let me tell u one thing about this man he is nooooooooo man of this house. He tells me he can’t help; he's at the best friends parents place eating and gives nooo helpful advice except that I should seal off his room....oh yeah great thanks for that one!
So now it’s left up to me! Just me and the disgusting Devil Rodent! Blarr gross. I’m not gonna pretend I’m not scared cause I’m shitting myself. I finally understand why people jump on tables when a mouse runs past, and this is a bloody rat the size of a kitten! Well I do some more breathing than I open the door and pear out...eeekk!! It runs under the other sofa. But I’m braver this time. Courageous lovelyme! That’s what they call me NOT! I’m so scared of everything it’s not even funny! I can’t even watch zombie movies or haunted house flicks. I don’t know why don’t ask me, it just gives me the bahebijibies! But I’m brave I remind myself plus I’m sweating like a pig I really need a shower and I aint going out there while that thing is lurking around. So I devise a plan. A smart plan. A devious plan. A plan that might just work mwahahahaha! ....yeah ok sorry got a bit carried away with my own ingenious! But anyway get this I walk out of my room and very tightly stuff a towel under the door jam. Aint no way that rodent getting in my room! Than I open our front door real wide like so even a semi trailer could fit through it, I systematically close and seal off all the other doors, walk into the kitchen and grab the plastic broom than RAM it onto the floor BANG BANG BANG!! And wola the rat is gone. Out the front door never ever to return again ill make sure of that! Am I a woman or what! I ain't need no man to look after me I got it all worked out sister!
So there you have it my first ever blog...I hope you enjoyed it. I’ll be sure to post more later. For now though ima have a long hot shower and call that old friend. See if I can fanny this skirt up a bit, lit up the town.